The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had such a revelation the last few days. I am feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin. I finally feel like can be lavishly good to myself and not feel guilty about it. I can actually spend money on myself and only 15% feel like I need to say - "see what you have spent". I am looking forward to a time when I can lavish myself with gifts and not feel like I need to justify it at all. Hooray. I don't think I have been this happy or had this much at peace with what I think God wants for my growth etc in my whole life.
After being quite sure that he was about to be kidnapped/murdered, my AH is home. Has not had liquor..not that I asked him or kept track, but he doesn't seem like he has. He is back to wanting to quit etc.
I had the most wonderful morning at church, full of meaning and personal validation of my place in the world and of my continued growth and happiness. But a call from my AH just set me off.
He was irritated that I did not call him to tell him I was coming home from church. I am his wife he wants to know where I am. Personally, that is a deal breaker for me. I have been mired in this codependent relationship for so long, that I am willing to fight tooth and nail to keep that feeling of being controlled from strangling me again.
That is where this rage comes into play. I am absolutely enraged by him. I almost hyperventalated I was so upset. I had told him that we need to consider how important it is that he "knows where I am all the time" because at least for now, I can't do it. I got mad and went to make myself lunch (I needed to go work a shift at our business in an hour). He proceeds to follow me downstairs and continue to tell me what I need to do etc.
I wanted to poke my eyes out! So much for my recovery lol. I still have lots of work to do.
I guess he is being a good "codependent" constantly helping me or calling me to be sure I am "ok". I realize now that he can't stand that I am mad at him. it is as though he is mad at me cause I am mad.
I realize that I was Sooo happy because I didn't have to deal with his crap. I'll grant it, I have lots of crap of my own to deal with. but me being conflicted and trying to talk myself out of being mad at him - so that he won't be mad at me...should not have to be dealt with at all. I am mad, period. I have my reasons. Leave me alone. NO, I don't want to talk to you about it. go away. When you don't go away I want to poke my eyes out and throw things. It is like that dripping faucet. drip drip drip drip drip - make it stop! make it stop! and then when you are in a different state of mind and you hear that ONE drip again it is BLAGH!
Now, I am back wiling to give up any and all creature comforts of "home" to move to my own place to have some peace. Even when he tries to make it all okay.... It just makes it worse for me...than worse for him cause he gets frustrated at not being able to "fix" things.
Oh my goodness, This marriage is never going to work! God help us.
Just keep doing the next right thing....for YOU! I completely understand where you are coming from. Many times I think that even if my AH got sober, I don't think the marriage would work anyway. I know too much now: about him, about our marriage, and especially about me and what I believe my HP wants for me. My AH has to do some serious changing and I'm not sure he's got it in him to change. Also, even if he changes, am I ready and willing to drop the past, forget the hurts, and move forward with someone where there's so much water under the bridge?
I know one of the things that works for me like this is going to a meeting and picking the subject of resentments....and then listening with an open mind. Resentments are killers of the spirit and can cause me to do all kinds of crazy crap. Forgiveness is the opposite of resentments and still I have to work myself into that frame of spirit because I get that false feeling and thoughts that I am powerful with them. Not good and can cause me many many other troubles I don't want either. Keep coming back...go do a meeting on resentments. ((((hugs))))
Home comforts can be built up again anywhere. What use are they when there is no peace to enjoy them. Walking away from material possessions is quite a liberating experience, its amazing how much you dont miss them. Im glad you are feeling better. When I felt better and clearer thats when the anger began for me. My feelings began pouring out. It took some time to get over this but there is peace at the end.
I'm sorry my finger slipped lol. Try again lol .. I do believe all emotions including rage and anger they are different n my mind. If I'm angry .. look out .. of I'm feeling rage take cover. That's what I love about alanon is I have learned to cope with these very powerful emotions. Sometimes they are very appropriate .. it is ok to be angry when a situation calls for it. How I handle it is completely on me. For such a long time I denied how angry I was that through grit teeth and my jaw clenched I would say I'm fine of course I'm not angry . Lol .. that was a lie and that lie probably would have killed me faster than stating I'm angry. I feel that I need to check in at every second and it's not a way I chose to live anymore. Then I can let it go because I validated myself and how the other person chooses to react to that statement is on them. How I feel is how I feel no one else can tell me not to be angry not to feel and they can't tell me what I "need" to do to make them feel better .. their issue not mine. Now there is probably a very good reason my stbax is my stbax .. lol .. he wound up with a tiger and didn't know what to do. Today because I know what I want and don't want I'm able to state my feelings much clearer without having to yell because I'm afraid I won't be heard. Hugs and love s :)
Ps - ALL of my residual anger is actually bottom line fear of some other emotion.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I understand your anger. My Ah is very controlling too. I have been taught how to stop the rage.
In a simple explanation, we have 10 steps before we get mad. You know the 1step is the feeling that start the process.
You need to go through and figure out the step before it sends you into the spiral of rage. Mine is about step 3 where I feel the heat rising in my body and I know the next step is I am going to say what I want. I have learned on the heat rising I need to be aware and stop myself and self talk that it is my thinking making me feel this way and everything is okay and it is not problem.
I am getting good at stopping when I feel the not so good feeling on the step 1.. it certainly gives me more peace...
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
I don't recall if you have a sponsor or not...mine helped me so much when I was experiencing the intensity of any and all of my emotions. We need sponsors to help us identify why the anger has showed up, not to rid ourselves of it. I have come to know anger is my friend, as it alerts me to something deeper. I had to learn not to project it onto other people, though, and own it as mine.
Sorry to hear about this. My observation is he sounds very controlling. That is abusive behavior and it isn't acceptable in my book. I also noticed with my AH he would ask me details about when the kids and I would be home. I started realizing he had these questions so he could time his drinking. Crazy!! I can never make sense of my AH behavior. That's because in my experience alcoholics who are drinking do not make sense!
Sounds like deflection that addicts do to keep the attention off themselves. If you complain, then he will say you don't like him caring about you and it will be his excuse to go out. If he can annoy you or make it about you, that stops him from addressing his own issues, outrageous unacceptable behaviors, and need for recovery. Further detachment might be to hand his disease back to him by kindly stating he put his energy worrying and focusing on you and place it on his recovery because that is the only way the marriage is going to get better anyhow.
pp- thank you for your post. (pinkchip well said). After finding a counselor I really started to digest the anger, understand it, and that was the only thing that made me feel validated and that made it subside and help me further detach.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I highly recommend a sponsor as well as some other posters have indicated. When I was still dating my alcoholic guy, I realized I had a lot of anger towards him for being such a jerk to me (and others). One very valuable tool I learned through Al-Anon is "detachment". It lets you step back from someone's bizarre but usually deliberate behavior. Not one of us should have to endure that kind of life. Detachment (for me) was realizing I loved myself more than this guy who refused to get help for his drinking. He had ruined so many things in the relationship by his continued drinking & off the wall behavior. I got so I had no respect for him whatsoever. I think for a lot of people when the respect is gone, so is the love. Letting go can be hard but being alone is better than being with someone who refuses to help themselves. I run into my ex-guy every once in a while. I know he's still drinking & I know he has few (if any) friends. However, that was his choice. Once I realized that I could not truly help someone who didn't want to be helped, I could move on. That ball & chain for wanting to help him is gone. It's very freeing to let go of people or things that are bad for us.
-- Edited by Mitsy on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 01:30:04 PM
-- Edited by Mitsy on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 01:30:46 PM
I love dogs - so true..every single sentence. Not sure if We can get better, not sure if He has it in him to get better, not sure If I can pretend all this didn't happen and move on.
Jerry - ohh the resentments. I can feel that I have let some go, only for others to surface or the ones I thought I was done with show another side. ohh the resentments.
Serenity - wise words. I am reminded that I ignored me feelings for a long time for fear of you name it, I also didn't express my feelings cause I would either be told I was wrong or would be ignored. So I actually do think that a lot of the rage is the only way I can get the attention and make my point. very insightful.
Sponsor. No, you are right I do really need a sponsor. and yes you are right i see how this rage goes much much deeper.
Pinkchip bingo bingo bing! Sometimes I wonder if there is ever and action or reaction or a thought in his head that is Not entirely motivated by his dis ease. quite sad. It is also disturbing the more I get better the more I see what an utter mess he is.
Each of you really helped to shine a light into all those nooks and crannies where the gunk lies. Yeah, its really deep. But I have made it this far! =)
Many blessings
