The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading 'Hope for Today' and came across a reading on the four M's. I have never heard of these before. They offer an explanation as to why we are attracted to alcoholics. They behaviours that are in response to living with alcoholism. They are martydom, managing, manipulation and mothering.
I found this interesting because these are the shortcomings that I have identified within myself and an alcoholic needs these to be present in their relationships if they are to continue on their path of destruction. Maybe more importantly if we continue to deny these aspects of ourselves then we too will continue on the same road.
I remember when I first came to Alanon becoming aware of myself having any shortcomings, I knew I wasn't right but I truly blamed it all on the alcoholic, I never for a minute thought that I may have issues within myself to deal with. I blamed him for it all. My ego was quite big which is strange considering my self esteem was low. It took some time for me to truly take an honest look at me and my own behaviours and be big enough to own up to my own failings and shortcomings. Its a liberating and freeing experience even though it can be hard to face. I found it much easier to own up and face when I learned how to forgive myself and be kind on myself.
I absolutely can see the 4 m's in me. I am grateful I am aware of these tendencies which gives me the freedom to make different choices. Great insights and share, thank you.
Yes, once upon a time. Now I run like the wind when I encounter a man who needs mothering WHEN I encounter one, self-sacrifice(martyrdom) is giving way to self-nurture, I'm retiring in part to let go of management and manipulation has been replaced by saying what I mean, meaning what I say and most of the time not saying it mean. Soon, I'll just be on the French Rivera letting Liam worry about how we're going to pay for the Bed and Breakfast that I'd like us to offer to people who are involved in the helping professions and need a place to rest and be renewed at a cost they can afford. (Al-Anon helped me learn that dreamin' is always better than schemin'.)
Thanks, el cee, for another thought provoking post.
lol, brilliant Grateful, I love this response, first let me say that your dedication to Liam is admirable, it may just happen for you. Also I would come for a break to that B and B thats for sure. Dreamin better than schemin, lol. I like that one.x
They are martyrdom, managing, manipulation and mothering.
Every one of them I have used until I couldn't use the no more. It takes everyday of learning new tools to keep it at bay but I'm doing it. I love my A and wish him the best life can give in the future but I will never again use the words above to destroy myself or him.
I am grateful for everything learned in Al-anon
Have a blessed Sunday
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am mortified when I take an honest look at what a martyr I have been. Sigh. So yes, I have excelled at all four of these, martyrdom has been my go to. HP has His hands full with me. Thanks for the post its just what I needed today, realizing that I cannot even manage myself is humbling, why in the world would I think that I could manage others?
I had never heard of the four M's but I sure am guilty. I've been all these things for my son and at the time believed I was helping. Only after discovering Al-Anon did I learn how destructive my behavior was. I am keeping my distance and will wait for him to contact me. Hopefully he is still at the sober house and working towards his recovery.
mmmm.!!!
The fact that I'm not clear about what else there is apart from the four 'M's speaks volumes. So much to learn!!! At one time I even wondered if I was a masochist!
Grateful - I love the sound of that b&b - I'd like to book early since I know that you'll have a long waiting list. It is a beautiful idea.
