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Hi, this is my first time on here. I am a 24 year old women, nurse, mommy of 2, and divorced. i met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago after separating from my now ex husband and after he went to jail for a DWI (his 3rd in tx) i quickly became pregnant within 4 months of meeting him. He is a wonderful, amazing, loving man. however he is 32 years old, an addict, and makes my life crazy hectic. I am financially independent and have a career, but between him stealing money, going missing in my car, and never holding down a job the past 3 years have been mentally and emotionally draining. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. He is an amazing daddy to both my kids, and dosent treat my daughter any different than our son. He has struggled with addiciton his entire life, had a horrible time growing up, recently lost his mother due to alcohol and drugs, and his father is still in and out of prison, he is truly a product of his life! his entire family are addicts of some sort, recently his brother was high on pills and busted out the window of my 2 week old 2014 maxima...all because i stood up for myself.
okay now to today. my boyfriend recently entered rehab, he is on day 2. he is an alcoholic, but while under the influence his drug of choice is crack. he truly turns into a different person. there are too many things and too little time to write ALL the horror stories between us because of alcohol. I gave him an ultimatum..either get help, or continue living how he was but that it would be with someone else. surprisingly he chose rehab. im lost as how to be a good supporter once he gets out. this is his 4th time in rehab (first time since ive met him) and this will probably be the only time he completes it without checking himself out. how do i help him? how do i get rid of the resentment of having to go through all this and being so unhappy at only 24 years old? yes i chose to stay and i chose him, but it gets so complicated with kids. he truly is a beautiful person, when its him and not alcohol. its so hard to not be angry that the vacation we had planned to the beach and new orleans in june is now canceled because he will be around "triggers" that may be hard for him. I understand that its not a good idea to take him to bourbon street fresh out of rehab, but even going to the beach, going out to eat, going over to a friends house...will he always have to be "protected"?i want to be able to support him 100%, im just so lost! please help!
Hello. Welcome to MIP. I'm sorry you are going through all of this and I know the way out of it is through it with the help of Al-Anon. I was married to a cross-addicted alcoholic who never recovered from the disease. He tried rehab once and then went back to using rather than entering a formal program of recovery like AA/NA. My son is also cross-addicted and also inherited this disease. It was my thought that if I separated my children from the disease in their father, our troubles would be over. That wasn't true because without treatment the disease progresses. Had I known then what I know now, I would have attended Al-Anon many years ago much more earnestly. The best way to support your boyfriend is by entering the doors of an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. I could identify alcoholism and drug addiction in my husband and his family. The disease was hidden to me in my family until I reached the age of 50 and the family secrets were no longer as illusive and hidden. By attending Al-Anon, you will also be helping your children because you will learn ways to deal with this disease you won't be able to learn without a formal recovery program for yourself. We also offer on-line meetings here twice a day, but face to face meetings especially in the beginning for you would be very helpful in building a supportive network of people who understand this disease and can be there to support you in the flesh. Please keep coming back here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 6th of April 2014 03:48:44 AM
Aloha Nurse...I know your story because it is a lot like mine before I found the rooms of Al-Anon. My alcoholic/addict was my wife...I was in a relationship with an alcoholic before her and was married to an addict before that. I was born and raised within the disease and so I was doing what came naturally without even knowing what alcoholism was....didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. I was told in early Al-Anon to read my "story" as if I was someone else because it was confusing, jagged and jumbled. Try doing that with your story...as if you were one of us and see how the picture comes out at you. That is part of the baffling natures of addiction...it confuses our lives and we go insane. You're a nurse so you know about mind and mood altering chemicals. You know that when the person or patient is on the chemical they are different...not normal. Drunk and high are not normal...clean and sober is. When I was inside of the disease my entire life was insane...not normal or...normally insane. I took care of that by starting a "life time" program of recovery in Al-Anon. I was 37 when I first got into the program and almost dead...now Ii wouldn't trade the life I have for any other promise of freedom....Welcome to MIP...look in the white pages of your local telephone book the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and come out to where and when we get together. Go with your resentments....I did and I had a pickup truck load of them...go anyway and sit down and listen...don't run after the meeting...stick around and talk with the fellowship and listen to their support and stories. Addiction is thousands of years old sorry its come into your life also yet you are not without hope...((((hugs)))) in support.
Being in recovery doesn't mean being "protected." Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, it would have done NOTHING for anyone to try and "protect" me from alcohol. It was ME that had to guard my own sobriety when I decided that sobriety was what I wanted more than anything. When a person is that willing and ready, he will tell you when he's uncomfortable and doesn't want to go places. Of course certain places are bad ideas for a while (I agree New Orleans is probably not good) but HE will be the navigator of that, not you. NOTHING you do will protect him or stop him if he's going to drink. Most people that relapse after rehab do it because they don't go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. They try and go back to their old life with all the same challenges and they don't work on themselves to the degree that a total lifestyle change is necessary (embracing recovery and not just thinking they can quit). Going to rehab and not doing solid AA (or NA) recovery after is like going on a fad diet and losing weight. It wont stick because there is not lifestyle change.
This is relevant to you, because you want to change also it sounds like. I hear that you don't want to be the person to always be chasing after alcoholics and addicts at the expense of losing your own identity and also possibly enabling them. Your own lifestyle change will be found in Alanon if you want it. Without it, you will also slip into old behaviors that include investing too much time and interest and meaning into what your significant other is doing and losing interest and focus on you and your own self-care. Relationship need to accentuate and compliment who you are....they do not dictate and determine who you are. None of this occurred to me before the program and I was constantly caught up in relationship drama due to it.
