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Even though I have moved out and away from my AH, I find myself checking up on him. Last week I could tell by talking to him on the phone that he was drinking. It was a very slight clue in his voice...what I call cotton mouth. So, being the sick person I am, I kept talking to him on purpose to be sure he didn't sound normal. I also went to the house to make sure he wasn't dead The next day. My thinking gets the best of me. I fear the worst. His moods are all over the place. He has lost track of the time and day. It is very sad to me. I am angry but I also have compassion, sadness and fear. We have a big dog that I left at the house with him. She needs to go for walks and get exercise but he rarely takes her out. We want to take her for a walk but my kids don't want to go over there because of him. I told him yesterday if he didn't get his head out of his ass I would take the dog toon and give her to someone who can care for her. It's been 3 months since he has worked. He was fired about a month ago and still hasn't found a job. I want to be encouraging yet I want to scream. I also want to ignore him. I just don't really know what my responsibility is for him any more. I feel overwhelmed and helpless. He is a big boy and knows how to get help. Yet I still haven't completely detached. We have a child together and he can't even help take care of her. I accept that. just feeling sad today. But now I am going out for a walk. I will ignore his calls today. Last night I got calls at 1am. Luckily my phone was off. So tired of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide!!
Hi, nlg: Yes, he is a big boy and he does know how to get help and you aren't responsible for him. He is responsible for him. It took me awhile to believe C2C's suggestion that I wasn't responsible for helping my son or my x to go to work, take care of their health, take care of their bills, or look out for (in my x's case) our children. Being my x's mother was an upside down world I lived in and I resented it with good reason. I was expending so much energy trying to make him the man I wanted him to be, I was spending almost no time on being the woman I was intended to be. He barely worked at the tail end of our marriage, was strung out on alcohol and mostly drugs, was abusive and spent no time interested in what was best for our kids. That all fell to me. I didn't need a third child to raise. I divorced him and dropped minding his business as it wasn't mine to mind. I let the courts chase him around for support and stopped trying to get him to pick up his children who were waiting on him to pick them up for visitation and disappointed many times by his no shows-no calls. I spent the bulk of my energy following the divorce on healing myself and doing what I needed to do to support and care for my kids. That was my responsibility and that is also what helped me grow beyond caring what he did or didn't do. Whether or not he lives or dies is truly up to him and his HP. Whether you live or die is up to you and your HP. I was dying spiritually, emotionally and mentally when I focused on my x. That changed when I focused on me.
Hugs NL .. after many months (if i really get honest it has been years) of trying to make my stbax think like I do I think I'm getting better at accepting he doesn't and letting it go. I find i get angrier and more frustrated. That doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or angry it just means I don't try and make him see the error of his ways. I read chapter 6 in how alanon works page 26 the first section optimizes what I went through growing and even during most key relationships. I still stay on top of court things because my experience has taught me it's much like the medical field unless I educate myself I may end up getting not so great advice it guidance. I let the courts deal with explaining the details. Hugs .. Lisa ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I left my ex I also kept in touch like you for a good while and he behaved like this too, going right down. I knew he would, drink has always been his crutch and he always used it when an emotion was there to feel. I was scared to fully let go for a while. Partly because of the kids but eventually I realised that I was still living the lie and I was still part of the merrygoround so I cut the last tie. I told him that was it, over. Of course he felt really sorry for himself then and even the kids thought I was heartless but when everyone realised that I was no longer going to be part of it things turned around for everyone almost like I was the very person keeping it all going. Hes been in AA and sober a while now, he has the kids round for dinner occasionally, my daughters back living with him, shes 23, we do not talk, we are out of each others lives. Now and again the kids tell me wee bits about his life but Im better not knowing anything really. You will still be part of it while you are still part of it. His relationship with the kids is for him to mend and maintain. Alanon will help you get strong.x
