The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This program has taught me that whatever discomfort Im feeling its all about me.
I mean, I have a friend that has clear issues and she can be a bit mean and she can put you down in a sly way, she is a real negative thinker but can also be really really over the top happy. I think there are mental health issues and she has spoke about this before. Anyway, I can be offended and take a hurt with her sometimes, I can then let it fester into resentment and I can then behave badly through snapping or arguing with her and having general ill will towards her.
So before Alanon, my mind says, im a victim of her, shes a bad evil person and poor me and im justified in my bad behaviour towards her, Im so much better, nicer than her and there is only a solution if she changes. End of story.
Thank the alcoholic in my life that I was led to Alanon because I am free of these chains today. I can look at what it is about me in this relationship. I cant change her!!! never ever, so what can I do to change me?
First, I can look at the relationship in an honest way, I can admit that we have gotten close and maybe its got a bit dysfunctional and unhealthy. I know that I have a form of attachment disorder so I know that I can people please, get people to like me and then feel resentful and back off. I can have big expectations of people and I can at times love only under certain conditions that fit my own ideas and rules. Knowing this about myself allows me to have humility, I can bring myself back to me. I can lift my head above the sand and I have tools that I can use to help me move away from this pattern towards healthier patterns.
I work at getting rid of the resentments and getting back to a loving relationship that has healthy boundaries and distance. I write her a letter listing everything that annoys me and I get it all out, then I let it go by writing another letter stating all the things I love about her and forgiving her and me. This allows me to feel free and clean again and I can then start again trying hard to be a good friend to both her and me.
I dont have to love every single thing about the people in my life and I have no right expecting perfect behaviour from people. I can accept flaws in them and it becomes easier to accept flaws in me. I never thought of my self as much of a perfectionist due to the chaos I have been living in most of my life but I am a perfectionist, Im also a compulsive obsessive person and controlling,(recovering).
It feels good being able to see myself in an honest way, its an achievement for me to have the courage to admit this because I spent my whole life hiding it, scared that this knowledge that I can easily face today would get out and someone might see it and judge me and hate me for it.
I enjoyed your post, El-cee. I found it thought-provoking and recognize a lot of myself in what you write, here. I started to try to apply it to my situation of recently walking away from a relationship, and started wondering if I had also been trying to only be happy or loving when he fit my image of what was right. But then you mentioned 'distance' and that is key. I can be loving with this person, given enough distance between us.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Saturday 5th of April 2014 08:25:21 AM
your centeredness(is that a word)is inspiring. i too recognize the obssessive, controlling and perfectionistic way. the high expectations and then the major let downs. i see that i tend to be a black and white thinker. . .all or nothing. yet. . i live in an alcoholic marriage which flies directly in the face of all of these tendencies. as you said, i cant control anything outside of me. . which leads me back to ME. interesting because i think i spend a great deal of time avoiding me. . not listeining to me, not feeling, not honoring me. . and yet, me is all i have. . really.thank you for your posts. .you force me to think and take ME time
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
