The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The break up is still in progress. I am managing to keep in mind 24/7 all the unreasonable behaviors and blaming/shaming/scolding that came my way during the relationship, averaging about 3 per hour if we were together in person. Less on the phone because I could exit a conversation more easily.
However, we talked on the phone and re-established that yes, we are broken up. Then came all his sensible serene blanket statements of what he did 'wrong', how wonderful I was/have been, pie-in-the-sky, everything is perfect and we're all on top of everything.
I almost fell for it! I have been in this very same vortex now probably at least ten times in 18 months (break up, get gaslighted, get back together, Charlie Brown and the football all over again). In floods of tears last night after this "What's the matter? Everything is beautiful! Life is beautiful!" baffling conversation, I found great solace and strength in what I read here so often:
- Nothing changes, if nothing changes (i.e. he has no recovery, or aid for what I suspect might be several unchecked mental disorders. But far be it from me to diagnose. It's for the purpose of protecting myself. There has been no chemical addiction in this relationship but I have other alcoholic qualifiers. This relationship just continued on a theme for me.)
- Stop going to the hardware store for bread. I'm gonna get to the store and look around me and go "What did I really expect to find, here?".
I am grateful for my own progress. I'm finally beyond the FOG that kept me going back for more insanity (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Progress and recovery towards sanity and peace are far from easy, but they are doable.
This morning I woke up feeling anger at his 180 degree attitude change. But I'm grateful to be in touch with that anger and not stuffing it down with food or denial.
Thank you all you wise people for having helped me through this with wonderful E S H.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 08:41:36 AM
Excellent slogan work! And its good to feel that its good to feel our anger, isn't it? 3/4 of my problems in all of my life, not just dealing with A, have to do with me not admitting that I could feel something as "bad" as anger. Of course, my family is walking around wondering why I'm so angry all the time lol.
Keep it up!
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 02:28:24 PM
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 02:28:52 PM
Oh gosh yes...as you said...very similar to what i'm facing now.thanks for sharing and well done for staying true to yourself. I can relate to what kind of turmoil this situation can create. Keep strong...
In full support in your quest for a healthy life.hugs
Thanks, Kenny. Still having a hard time. Swinging from anger, to sadness and fear and back to anger again! But feeling it all and trying to let it go. Trying to keep my mind on my work too, which is proving difficult.
I changed also, to others, when I started voicing my displeasure about things. Most of the time I did an ok job of 'acting' instead of 'reacting' out of anger. But I didn't do it perfectly each time.
I started doing a gratitude list every morning, based on one of Melody Beattie's books. That is, it's not stuffing down your feelings and trying to force yourself to be happy for other people's abominable behavior, but to write down that you are grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly reactions you are having to those behaviors and events. It is really helping me get these feelings out, in a non-judgmental way of myself. Otherwise it's so easy for us codependents to beat ourselves up for being less than. So now by writing "I'm grateful for the anger I feel at my ex for being Mr. Normal all of a sudden" I am able to work through the anger and get to the miraculous part of the process, such as letting it go. When I get my anger out of the way, I can see the other truths such as "He has not changed", and "I'm going to the hardware store for bread", and seeing that it's time for me to stop obsessing about what he's doing and to take care of myself, instead. I couldn't do this when I was in FOG and denial.
Might sound like a load of self-help hogwash, but it's working for me so I think I will keep doing it!
Just wear your Alanon armour. I can recognise many tactics now and Im amazed how easily and often I fell for them. Confusion is one such tactic, quite clever really, all that needs to be done is babble a lot of nonsense mix it in with a couple of heartfelt words and some reminiscing about the good times and walla done. Fear is another tactic I was a sucker for, just put a horrid fearful thought into my mind and sit back and watch me do whatever you want or give you whatever you want. Its amazing how blind we can be. I must admit I could be quite good at manipulation myself, working complex webs around my family in the hope that we would all love each other and behave like Little house on the Prairies like I always wanted.
"Feeling angry and saying no to the plan"(excerpt from the Language of Letting Go) of someone who is used to taking you around the block for a walk on the wild side of their thoughts as they hand you flowers they picked from somebody else's garden sounds pretty healthy to me. There will come a day for you when the invitation to take yet another walk with this person will be like the sound of a butterfly to you - you won't even hear it.
I love hearing your program at work! You are working the 3 A's awareness, acceptance and action. So good to read you are taking care of you and working through your emotions, keep up the good work!! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you El-cee, Truth, Grateful and Breakingfree! I appreciate your comments.
Grateful...I read a line from MB's Make Miracles in Forty Days last night that said (words to the effect) that anything gained through manipulation is stolen. This reminds me of your flowers 'picked from someone else's garden'. I teeter on the edge of codependent controlling and busybodyness when reading some of these books, because I want to underline and highlight so many concepts and hit certain people over the head with them. But in any case, it's good for me to plainly see what is not working and why. It makes it much easier for me to NOT go back around that block for a walk on the wild side! Very well put, btw.
