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I just want to say, during a meditation this came into my mind. It seems like the biggest battle we have is the A. . but really it is our thoughts. If my thoughts are ok and I am in control, who can hurt me? Or control me? We all know this disease is not just physical, it is mental and in my experience he was often most torturous when he wasn't even drunk. Just brain diseased 24 hours a day - and he figured out how to torture my thoughts- make me feel insecure- and get me feeling like I was going to lose HIM, among many other things. Wacky. I often tried to control the external situation, and hoped he would stop being such a jerk or get sober so this crap would end, but to be honest he could be the biggest jerk or drunk right now on the planet it doesn't make that much of a difference if he can't gain control of my feelings and thoughts.
Recently I have been doing positive affirmations, and for the first time in all the time I have known my A, I have started to purely try to win that nasty battle with my mind only! not with him! Controlling myself from sliding down that slope of negative thinking, and self hatred, and doubt. Reminding myself of the facts of this disease, the facts of why I want to make life better, why I want to get away, and that without him I can still create at will what I need in life and find happiness. I can build my life to order. It wasn't until recently after sticking to that routine and seeing some good thought habits beginning to replace bad ones, that I realized in the past HOW MUCH I was a slave of my thoughts!... and my confidence grew. Of course the stuff they do pisses us off, and makes us want to scream, and lose our inner peace, it would make anyone feel that way I am just saying that it is possible to slowly replace bad thinking habits with good ones, and I am slowly seeing myself kick some nasty habits that I desperately wanted to get rid of! Has anyone else gone through that transformation of wanting to desperately transform their thinking? I feel much less anxious as a result of working on that. Just wanted to share. thanks!
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Awesome post Giraffe! You're not alone. I'm working on transforming my thinking- replacing the negative self-speak with positive thoughts and words. In addition to affirmations, daily asset and gratitude lists are very helpful. I'm also repairing my self-esteem by learning new skills to give me confidence and more. A work in progress.
yes, my thinkng and worringvand my run away anxious thoughts DO control me. period. im awake at nite anrgy and worried with thoughts and worries while he just got home at twoo in the morning and is sound asleep. i frett and worry constantly regradless if he is "sober" or not. i have a terrible time worrying myself through the good moments as a way to "prepare" for and worry about the possible bad. ive been on several meds to help and well. . side effects are too intense or unsafe. . so im left to try to manage me. its a noble and worthy challenge but not an easy one. thanks for opeing this discussion
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I found that when I stopped trying to control what he was doing, and I really stopped caring and just became more selfish and cared about me, I had the will power to be consistent with positive thinking and making changes in myself that before could not happen b/c of all my focus on him. Sounds cheesy but that is what happened.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
The slogans and serenity prayer repeated over and over help me to let go of my obsessions. Gratitude and asset lists interrupt my negative thoughts of myself. and alanon calls help me not feel alone. Alanon tools work .
Awesome post and great insights. In addition to all those practices you mentioned, the spiritual component of the program allowed me to surrender my obsessive negative thoughts to my higher power. I also stopped trying so hard to be back "in control." Letting my higher power be in control took a large amount of my anxiety and negatively away and replaced it with faith.
Excellent post thank you Giraffe, for me this will be my action for the day, throw the old negative out and put positive in. Have a great day........ in support og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I can only agree.as i learned in a very deep and intense meditation of 10 days...10 hours a day..i had to go through deep emotions caused by MY THoUGHTS only.it was amazing to see where thoughts alone can take you.as soon as i realized that...through the experience of accepting what is....and of constant impermanence of thoughts and emotions..i learned not to react anymore..just observe these thoughts.my mind became actually like a huge movie...iand i just watched...the beautiful thing in that 10 day intense meditation wad...that eventually i got too much exhausted and bored by all my negative thoughts and started lacing them by positive ones...and i become happier...simpler..more serene.....more detached. Its practice...but it works.thoughts are powerful...there can destroy us...but they can also drive us...lift us up.the good news is.we can learn to control our mind...and our mind only.
Thanks for sharing
Great post, it really does work when we work it. Im also trying to get rid of the old negative thinking. Its hard and it takes real concentration and asking for it to be removed. I think its about replacing the bad with the good. I love meditating, massage also works. Its about quietening the mind and letting the spirtuality flow.x
Theoceancalls, we do not. I can completely understand your worries and concerns! :( I realized one morning when I woke up and was laying in bed, I will always find a reason to worry, and there will always be legitimate concerns when dealing with an A that justify worry and fret, and justify my fear and need to control. Who wouldn't feel that way with what we have gone through. It is so difficult!!! But at some point if I really earnestly desired that control over my life, I had to just give up the reasons, and admit that is just life and I need to figure out a different way to deal with it because this was getting me nowhere. That morning in bed my *will* to change was so strong, I started to repeat out of nowhere almost with a spiritual soul call to fight back against this, " My life is getting better.. and I am changing.. " I repeated it for 10 minutes straight until I felt so strongly I wanted to scream it out loud!! That was the beginning of the end for him, and the change for me. From that morning, I meditated on that morning/night and made sure to fit that in my day like I would a meal. Every morning, the minute I realized my eyes were open, I started to vigorously affirm that things are changing. That went deep into my mind and I started to see small changes that used to be hard for me to make, being made naturally. everything from my daily care for myself- food- sleep- to my thoughts and what I was allowing "in." I am sad sometimes, overwhelmed, but to be honest I took it as a challenge to try to change those things b/c it was better to focus on that than be stuck and not moving repeating the misery of being a slave to him and my ups and downs. I cannot even explain why THAT morning my will was so intensely strong, other than three days before I just knew I had enough of the cycles, blackouts, lying, vomiting, all of it and hit MY bottom. Then I really started to search for answers. If I had children in that situation, I would have made the same changes, and also taken steps to protect them to the best of my ability and worked hard to maintain my inner peace. I really wanted to create things in my life and I felt like without learning how to master my mind I would not be able to do that. I felt as out of control emotionally as him. :( I see it well up sometimes, but I have made a flipbook of facts, both of this disease, of my life, of my desires, and I just read through it. I do phone al anon meetings, and have a few friends I confide in, maybe 2 that have accomplished things through power of will. I am greatly influenced by their ability to do that and it inspires me. Spending a lot of time with one of those people was really a huge source of power, and energy for me. Positive mental changes happened by just being in the presence of someone who has done that or has that same mind set/ It is true that does rub off on you. Just like bad behavior can I guess :). I don't even know if that person truly understands how much they have helped me! Do you have anyone in your life you can lean on and who has accomplished those things? I see some people in al- anon who have done it. I also from this forum got the idea to start incorporating gratefulness to God into my day. I never miss the morning/evening meditations. Even if it is 5 minutes. Today I did feel so sad but it passed!! And I keep trying to remind myself that there are going to be hard times, EVEN WHEN you follow your intuition. that is just life.
we take 7 steps forward and 3 back but we still move forward!! Be patient with yourself and keep working... I know I may fall behind.. but I am still moving foward. I wont give up!!!!
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 04:05:50 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 04:10:33 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 3rd of April 2014 04:12:46 PM
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I am just saying that it is possible to slowly replace bad thinking habits with good ones, and I am slowly seeing myself kick some nasty habits that I desperately wanted to get rid of! Has anyone else gone through that transformation of wanting to desperately transform their thinking? I feel much less anxious as a result of working on that. Just wanted to share. thanks!