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I have been enjoying Peace of mind more or less the past month. The reason being zero contact with ex A. Of course memories come back and i was mourning my losses.but that's part of healing right. The waves of emotion get less and less now for some reason he wrote me an email. Recalling ALL the memoriesall the good ones only obviously. Put like that it seems we are a romantic love couple, meant to be. This is unfair. Yes, I remember the good parts. But HOW can he ignore the bad, messy parts. And I know, from having been there already once, , twice, in the honeymoon phase, that it lasts not for long until it all breaks down into chaos again. into name calling, blaming, manipulating, lying.
He somehow manages to make me feel guilty. I know my part in it and i'm working on forgiving myself for that and letting go and moving on. But this just now is NOT FAIR. what does he want??? why would he like to be with someone he lastly called a f*** B***. He is just plain simple ignoring the facts, and i feel it's a sort of abuse again.
anyway, not loosing my position, i like my freedom...just needed a vent..little one.
Me, too, Mimi and Tortuga. I stopped answering calls, listening to most messages on my answering machine and/or reading texts. No point in it other than to put myself through a mental minefield of traps and explosions. I preferred peace and spending time with myself and people I enjoyed who enjoyed me and weren't going to turn on me in a nanosecond.
I tend to cycle a little regarding the ex and the longer I go without contact the better I feel, unfortunately right now he has my 5 year old and I miss her like crazy and need my chat with her on occasion, I have worked it out so I leave a message and she calls me back. It got easier for me, but I am 3 years out of A's environment for the most part. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
(((Tortuga))) I relate and it's not an easy spot to live in, but it sounds like you're on the path of the process to let go/ detach and move on. Remember, this is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease!
It took me almost forever to understand that my active A's disease progressed to the point where anything he said was a hook for manipulation. For the longest time, I wanted my exAH to acknowledge how his mess affected me and our daughter and it was not forthcoming, and, thanks to Alanon- this is no longer important. I am also coming to understand that facts get twisted or ignored, which ever serves the disease best. I could not make sense out of nonsense and I stopped putting my energy into trying to do the impossible.
"What does he want? Why would he ___? " The answer is the disease is in charge and wants to be fed; and because he is not well and because he can. But was the question that you really want to ask, what do I want? What makes me feel good?
Bud, thanks for your share! and tortuga, you both were helpful to me too! Something happened today with my A that really used to upset me, but today I realized that it didn't as much. :) Like you, Tortuga I am trying to let go and move forward. And not ruminate over the negative. Just pulls me down into his 'world.' If I got an email like that, right now, it would frustrate me to some extent too, for the same reasons. Like what happened to me today -it was manipulative like that- it did frustrate me but not AS MUCH= progress:) And I said to myself that the work I have been doing on me feels good, it was the predominate feeling over the frustration. That was reassuring. And that is all that matters. My A will keep doing these wacky things, trying to hook me into his web again, b/c he has no other options. 1 trick pony and we already *know* that it is the disease that causes it so why does it surprise us or still frustrate us a little ? I am looking forward and working toward the day when it no longer bothers me not even .0001%. LOL.
When you feel frustrated it is just attachment, that's what I thought today for myself. But we have to look at how far we have come and how much we are detached, and work more towards that direction, stay focused on the fact that it is all just more of the disease- there is no way to reason it out when the person who wrote the email has literal brain damage from alcoholism. The A in my life made those decisions today from a diseased and unclear place in his mind and so I just said- it is more of alcoholism and who cares. I am just happy I am not as attached to his bs as I used to be. Facts always get twisted or ignored! whichever DOES serve the disease best! well said bud!!!
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Wednesday 2nd of April 2014 11:47:08 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
One of the "rocket science" lessons my sponsor taught me back when about my alcoholic attempting to contact me when I was practicing detachment was "The phone has an off button doesn't it"? Guess what it worked too. What ever she was trying to contact me with was really none of my business because my business was finding and getting sane and healthy. It works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Oh wow! I just wrote something very similar to this. I have decided for today to just let myself feel my anger at this whole rose-colored-glasses business, and remember that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Another member mentioned recently that leaving a destructive relationship was essential for his own recovery, and I have decided to adopt that phrase too, because it's exactly how I feel. So the order of things for me, is:
1) I feel so emotionally battered and wounded by my ex's behavior, I can't even risk it one more time. This means...
2) My priority is my own well-being, health, peace and recovery. Therefore...
3) My recovery is mutually exclusive to walking right back into the battlefield again.
I don't have to be ok with any attempts at someone to sweet talk me back into something that doesn't exist. It's ok for me to feel anger at that.
To all:
Thanks for your strong support...what you write from own experience makes so much sense to me...i'm still not always trusting my gut... feeling guilty..this is my disease!
Sounds like he wants to get back on the merrygoround and hes inviting you to join him. Its your choice but you know how sick that ride makes you. Say no often enough and he will get the message.x
