Concerto in BS major. - Al-Anon Family Group

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Concerto in BS major.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mellly

First you had the talk again and nothing changed.....I'm sorry for that but nothing changes until something changes. I also know you know that actions are the key and all the words in the world on both sides will not cut it. It was a hard lesson for me. I pray you find some peace and not even think about going over to his side because I believe it hurts you every time.

My son said he NEVER ever would take drugs. Boy was I wrong. The A will get anything to keep up with the program. Drink to sleep and uppers to work......repeat. I don't think the test are wrong. I don't know how many times my son said they were wrong or I was wrong.....go figure. I will not except anymore coming out of my sons mouth when it comes to his life. I know what I know and that is all I need to know.

I pray everyday that someday that will change but until then I live my life.

((( hugs )))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, Melly

Alcohol is alcohol, whether it is in Nyquil, beer or whiskey. Same as a chocolate chip is the same in a cookie, cake or ice cream...

So toss that one. He wants to talk? Um that is a clear, "Clang clang clang... manipulation coming, manipulation coming, be on guard.."

What happened to your boundaries? And who gets these childish stickers? You? daughter? the invisible maid?

what is this power the disease has over you?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Doing the same thing over, and over expecting a different result is insanity.

You are back in the home, he is still manipulating, drinking, dragging you down. He sees things are right back where they were! And they are.

Of course he would do any drug, most A's would. How would one stay awake drinking and going to work? We NEVER know what they do, never will. Just does not matter, it is all about YOU. What are YOU going to do. He is an addict, nothing they do surprises me, nothing.

It's part of the merry go round. Hon it is up to you as to when you are really going to get off. love!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 1st of April 2014 01:05:12 PM

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, I wonder. If I know the A, if he was falsely accused and sent home without pay he would be in a rage and on the phone to his mum discussing his legal rights and treating the situation as an opportunity for him to express his complete and utter outrage with the absolute injustice. But he's just laughing about it and drinking as if it's a holiday. So maybe he really has moved on to harder stuff.
I didn't think "the talk" would achieve anything, it just sort of happened and afterwards it reminded me that as much as I don't want to believe it, I'm still physically living in it, even if my spirit is starting to fly. I've been doing OK at starting to take action but it's going to take harsher and more brutal action to be free of this crap.
He came and stood over my shoulder before and looked at my picture on here (he's too drunk to comprehend much) and ranted for ages...why would you use THAT picture? That's an ugly NERD picture. You're so much sexier than THAT. What's wrong with you? Do you want everyone to think you are an ugly nerd?
My avatar is me, last weekend, sitting in my brother's room about to go to sleep. I've had a good night out with my little brothers watching them play in their bands and the wall is covered in egg-cartons because that's what a considerate person does, when they live with other people and make a lot of noise. They sound-proof their room. MY little brothers live exciting lives and are surrounded by drugs and alcohol but always conduct themselves like gentlemen, even when they are toasted. I mean they have fun but...Last weekend I went to a gig with my brother and we didn't drink, we had coffee beforehand and then after his act I sat in the pub reading a book while he tended to his band business and afterwards I asked him...do you think it was weird that I sat reading a book in a pub while everyone else was drinking? And he said yeah but who gives a S?
I like the ugly nerd me a lot better than I liked the "trying to drink and pretend to have fun" me. I like it even more after being told that it's not "sexy"

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

I think your so-called nerd picture is beautiful! No profound wisdom from me, you have all the wisdom you need;))
(((((<3)))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I agree, love the nerd picture, especially because its about you and not about anyone else, honesty.x

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Even as alcoholic, I won't try to talk much to another A unless they're having a lucid interval.

They can't hear. its an enormous waste of energy And time.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember having the deep in depth talk that made me feel so connected again and the hangover for me when I realized I did it again. I love how you write and explain things, it really is a gift Mel! I am sending you much love and support!

Beatrice · Senior Member

I'm with Deb on this one.

Words from an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah, waste of your time and energy. It's still abusive.

Its good to understand the dynamics of the disease, but its not about diagnosing his behavior. Its about finding solutions and tools for yourself...

Keep working it.

Hugs, Bettina

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Love the picture Melly and the wisdom that you are gaining. smile

Keep on keeping on

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like good detachment after the fact, but he's nuts and you are trying to explain logic, boundaries, and feelings to a mentally ill drunk.... My ex A would talk nice up to being wasted then the mean/emotionally abusive switch would trip. Neither was real and the nice talk just made the emotional abuse sting worse. I was a sloppy emotional drunk. My ex was a mean drunk like yours. I reached the point where I was so desperate to get out and not hear any more bs blame lies...plus I needed my own recovery so bad and it was never gonna be possible with him tearing me down. Hope you find a new housing situation soon because if there's no relationship, a propensity for violence, emotional abuse, daughter hates him....seems like you're getting bullied and manipulated and what is this guy offering you?. We don't encourage breakups in Alanon or give advice but you are already broken up. Melly, even when the guy was not a dangerous drunk, for me, trying to live with my ex was torture. Why have these conversations with your ex? He seems to think you will keep relaxing your boundaries and he can talk you into anything including not breaking up and his desires coming before you and your daughter. What kind of guy sticks around after you make it clear you aren't in a relationship and you want him gone? I'm only being this direct because I'm scared for you and you were dead set to get away from this guy weeks ago and he seems to have bullied and whittled away at your boundaries. Not judging...just want you to be happy and safe. This guy seems to be holding you hostage.

Take what you want and leave the rest . Last thing I would want is you beating self up for not leaving. Keep moving towards empowerment. You really don't need to take crap and you've come a very long ways. You are loved here regardless so know that.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Yep... just another trip to the hardware store for bread. The soles on your shoes must be wearing thin by now. I hope you live where there are f2f meetings available to you, where your voice can actually be heard. (((hugs)) TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Melly))))))...Your wit I am sure is what keeps you strong and in place...lasting...I am beyond tickled with your perspective, the metaphor you paint. Your sarcasm cracked me up and I soooo needed to be cracked up. Thank you God for Melly. The humor for me indicates that one of your strong points of character is the ability to give mercy and grace. I have always thought that after reading your posts. I wonder is God also laughs after you post or pray...God must...I hope. Grace, margin, mercy, acceptance, patience, tolerance are the stuff of saints...minor or major. I'm not in that league. I do sarcasm using more serious illustrations. The Greek definition of Sarcasm...Sarcaso...is to tear flesh. That is more my style as bad as I feel after I do it. Concerto is BS major...wow...what grace. Thank you ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you have some great awareness about the futility of these things. I remember those "deep and intimate" talks where the normally unresponsive person would suddenly ask about my feelings and perspective. Felt SO good! In one relationship I had ONE, only one, talk like that and I still remember it so vividly, even though it was practically centuries ago. It showed how much I would value being with someone who listened to my real feelings all the time. What a concept! Of course in the relationships I was having, the situation was like yours now - it was a one-time-in-a-million thing and followed by disappointment. But those things can be wake-up calls, can't they? How nice it would be to be able to talk authentically like that and be listened to. As we are here! Keep on taking good care of yourself.

oldergal · Senior Member

Yes, I remember when I broke up with my dry drunk husband and divorced him eventually. There were actually people who cared about what I said and felt, I met kind people who valued me and boy it really felt good. I didnt realize what I was missing I had been isolated for so long, I hope you get to feel good again. ........ og

mm830 · Senior Member

One day at a time Melly. For some reason I imagine those tally marks that you see prisoners putting on the walls in movies, or a countdown perhaps to when you set yourself free. You can do it, we all support you and love you for you. We should get you a shirt that says Team Melly, countdown to Freedom. Or maybe Free Melly. It's right there for you, we all see it and cheer for you every step of the way, just keep going and you'll get there.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, I like you. You remind me a lot of myself. Not your story so much as your ability to put the situation into perspective, deal with it, and emerge with your head high and on straight. Love you nickname, Concerto in BS Major. It says everything! I am a theorist, composer, and operatic contralto educated at the Centenary College Hurley School of music and the Eastman Conservatory of Music, and you gave me a great smile. Take care of yourself dear girl.

I have been dealing with an alcoholic for nearly fifteen years; one who has nearly driven me crazy, and I am only recently pulling away from the depths of being an enabler. He is in an emergency room as I type, drying out. TO hell with him. I have my own means and my own life. On with it!!

My best wishes to you Concerto in BS Major.

Diva

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This is the music we hear when they're playing their song! I remember falling into an engagement of conversation, and him masterfully swinging it to his favorite agenda du jour. I was in over my head before I knew what happened, while he did his tap dance routine around me too. Most of those conversations left me sad and drained. Practicing detachment is my only way of handling things like this, and, sometimes it is necessary to not be available for any level of interaction. I have strong faith that you'll continue to focus on yourself and discover what works best for you. In support.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Melly,

I just love love love that you are here on this board. You offer lots of insights and honesty,plus your writing is very entertaining and creative. I just had to say that.

I often see a lot of myself in your posts. I know that it took me a long time to even get honest with myself let alone have a "talk" with my AH. BRAVO! You stuck up for yourself to his face, out loud! (if it was me..that would be a big deal). Frankly I think it is more important that YOU heard your words during that conversation. Forget about him. lol. YOU are staking a claim for good things to happen in your life. So much growth! I also think that the more we say it, the more we believe it. Sometimes It is hard to get the "I love and value myself" concept from my Heart into my Head. I believe it or I want to believe it, but ACTING on it, well that takes some practice. It especially takes practice since I am not used to it.

HAHA I think it is a little bit like pulling a tooth when you are a kid. I KNOW it won't hurt that bad (or it will be over quickly), but it sure seems like it would. It is a simple action. 1,2 ,3 pull..ooh NO! 1,2,3 pull NO! Sometimes we just have to make practice runs, and the more we do it, the better. Keep up the good work!

As far as the drugs go. hmmm. I wouldn't put anything past an A.

As far as your picture goes and sitting in the bar reading a book. GO YOU! It saddens me sometimes that there are so many people in the world who 1.put people down who just want to be themselves and 2. I saddens me that there are so many people in the world who CAN'T be themselves.

Keep on Being YOU - The world needs more of that.

Many Blessings

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank-you for the love and validation, you beautiful people!!
Of course I didn't PLAN to try to have a conversation with him but I don't regret it or even feel hurt by how it turned out this time around. As you say, Susie, the words were more for me than anyone else and I was surprised by some of what I said. It's interesting what truths come out of my mouth when there is a bit of emotion and need to define myself as opposed to what I calmly think in my head. Perhaps I'll get some of his old clothes from the laundry basket, stuff them with straw and make a kind of ABF scarecrow out of them. I could prop it up in a chair, dribble red wine down the front of it and scatter empty cans and bottles around it and have conversations with it and see what I learn about myself.
Or not, because that would be kind of mental, really.
It also very much reminded me, as you pointed out, Mattie, how very deeply I long for the company of someone who is actually interested in knowing me and values my happiness. A friend once told me that nothing new comes into your life until you discard the old. I've always applied it to physical matter and thrown away stuff I don't need to make "room" for the things I need (for example, throwing out a heap of old clothes and a few days later my grandmother sent me a huge department store voucher to buy "some nice clothes"). I'm sure it applies to relationships as well.
Anyway it wasn't a completely pointless conversation, even if it didn't change HIS mind about anything. I got quite a bit out of it

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

haha an A scarecrow, brilliant imagery. I wonder what it would scare away. You should patent that idea, I think I would buy one but to not to talk with, to release my angry feelings in a nice way.lolx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.