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I didn't know how to title this thread. Some of you may remember that AH was planning on taking ds(our son) on a whirlwind 2 week around the world trip in October. AH was all excited about it and ds....not so much. The grandiosity of the trip, itself, was quite astonishing. He wanted to go to Tokyo, South Africa, Egypt, Spain, England, and then Ireland, and then back to the states. Yes, he seemed to think they could pull this off in 2 weeks. There was no consideration given for how long it takes to get from one city to another, no consideration for our son's limitations and his personality in general, no open discussions about fears or anxieties about his locations(ds was worried about Egypt because my AH mentioned taking a ferry and ds saw that Tom Hanks movie and ds was rightfully concerned about pirates in the Indian Ocean), etc. The whole thing reeked of alcoholic grandiose plans and it took all my strength to keep my mouth shut and NOT point out the insanity of it all. Oh, and I didn't point out the cost, either, and I swear i was totally itching to do so, LOL.
Anyhoo, ds came to me to talk about it and I kept telling him, "you need to talk to your father about this or else you'll wind up on a trip that you don't want to be on." I told him that I would not step in unless there is a safety issue, like the ferry thing, and that ds will have to step up and speak his feelings to his dad. After a few days of coaching from me where we actually did some role playing and I had him practice what he was going to say, he finally spoke to AH.
He said it nicely, he said what he meant and he didn't say it mean. He told AH that he'd like to maybe put this trip off until he graduates from high school and that they should still take a trip, but that ds would like it to be in America.
Unfortunately, speaking truth to an A never goes over well. AH was disappointed but is now giving us the silent treatment and giving us one word answers, avoiding us, hiding in his room, etc. He goes and lays down in his room and sleeps, he is barely eating, and,as usual, ds and I just go about our business trying to take care of us.
I am so proud of my son, though, for speaking up. I asked ds if he would have gone on this trip if it were me taking him and he said no. He just doesn't want to travel like this right now, he said he doesn't feel comfortable with it nor mature enough. I commend him for knowing himself and for knowing his limitations. We both knew that AH would take it personal. I guess we just have to wait for it to blow over. Same old situation, different story, LOL.
ILD, this is one of the gifts of living with an A, if there is recovery work to balance out their insanity. Your son is coming to know himself and his strength as a result of you working an incredibly strong program and he gets to practice his lifelong skills with the many opportunities your husband provides. It sounds like you are raising a marvelous young man. Keep up the good work.
(((hugs))) ilovedogs! Great job with your son. It gives me hope that my daughter will benefit from my work in the program. So nice to hear your strength and that of your son. Thank you for sharing that.
I ditto what ryanhearted says. Your son is so fortunate to have his mom show him how to navigate these waters. You even practiced with him. That is brilliant. i think he got more out of that than he would have taking the trip (and I hardly ever think anything is more beneficial than traveling to distant places). It is a life-long lesson. I was thinking how better my life would have been had I had that lesson as young as high school. My next thought is better late than never. I am old, and I am going to treasure and USE the lesson you provided your son. Good job.
(What does DS mean? I assume the S is for son, but the d? With DH I always thought it meant D***Head Husband, but of courseI now see I am REALLY wrong about that. )
Jill, ds means 'dear son' and dh, then would mean, dear husband. AH means alcoholic husband, etc.
Thank you everyone for the positive feedback. AH is isolating himself and I can tell he's stewing over this new revelation. I pray that I have the strength to carry on and do what my HP has planned for me in the future. I truly don't know how much longer I can live like this.
What a gift you have given your son ,the right to speak up about his feelings , letting him know he counts . Regardless of the outcome . It is a great feeling to pass on what we have learned to our children and watching them grow in confidence ( that we didn't have) give him a hug for me . And a big hug to yourself . well done Louise
Sounds like the reality is really winning over the delusional in your household. So glad your son has found a way to stand fast against the craziness. The idea that this would be a possible trip really shows the kind of delusional world A's live in, doesn't it? Even apart from a teenager's maturity level and your son's particular capacity for hassle and bustle, who would believe that you could do all those things in two weeks? You'd spend an afternoon in each country and then 36 hours flying to the next place! It takes me 24 hours to get from Europe to the States, even though the flight is 'only' ten hours or whatever - there's getting to the airport, checking in, security lines, immigration, waiting around, flight delays, plane transfers, and all of that stuff on the other end. I'd think anyone with half a grip on reality would see that you couldn't do all those places in two weeks, straight off. It's really an insight into the A way of thinking 'I want this to be real so I'll just assume it's real!' I keep underestimating how different their thinking is. And then sulking when their reality can't be made to work. Amazing! Hang in there!
Wow, that is great you were able to coach him so well. And it is great that he knows what he wants and doesn't. Most teenagers, when presented with something like that, wouldn't know themselves well enough one way or another to even know if they would like that kind of trip or not. Your son has shown a remarkable amount of maturity.
So glad your son has found a way to stand fast against the craziness. The idea that this would be a possible trip really shows the kind of delusional world A's live in, doesn't it? Even apart from a teenager's maturity level and your son's particular capacity for hassle and bustle, who would believe that you could do all those things in two weeks? You'd spend an afternoon in each country and then 36 hours flying to the next place! It takes me 24 hours to get from Europe to the States, even though the flight is 'only' ten hours or whatever - there's getting to the airport, checking in, security lines, immigration, waiting around, flight delays, plane transfers, and all of that stuff on the other end. I'd think anyone with half a grip on reality would see that you couldn't do all those places in two weeks, straight off. It's really an insight into the A way of thinking 'I want this to be real so I'll just assume it's real!' I keep underestimating how different their thinking is. And then sulking when their reality can't be made to work. Amazing! Hang in there!