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This week I am working with my hp on removing some of my anxiety. It is around finding balance between "being there" for sponsees vs. having healthy boundaries/self care. I have had to learn and unlearn a lot of things about relationships while in the program. Sponsorship relationships have been a great training ground for that. I truly enjoy sponsorship on the whole and feel uplifted after having a heart to heart with one of them. BUT lately, when a sponsee calls leaving a message and I am busy or super tired, I have this disproportionate reaction internally. ( I feel very overwhelmed and frustrated thinking things like: "I shouldn't sponsor ppl-there is just no time for me!")
This is probably a habitual reaction from childhood when I would be expected to meet the alcoholics needs first and mine didn't matter. Boundaries were meant to be trampled on if they ever existed at all. I sometimes will get frustrated with myself that I still have that habitual response, then I question following through on my boundary that I have set for myself----My busy boundary is: I don't call. I will at least text them back briefly later , say a prayer for them to get their need met and will get back to them at a time we are both more free-- unless the issue has a real sense of urgency, in which case I made a commitment to call asap. Do you ever have that kind of dynamic of being over responsible to others and under responsible to self? Guilt over good self care - also I can see too that I am judging my first thought , not my first action as wrong. My actual action is part of saying what I mean and meaning what I have said---my first thought "This is too much" is just my disease over reacting and forgetting that I generally do take care of myself. Feelings are not facts--I may feel guilty but it doesn't make me guilty.
I have been talking/praying/meditating with HP about this and so far the answer is for me to be gentle, keep with my boundaries, until if and when I don't feel I need them anymore --until that wound is healed by HP in His time but to keep praying about it and turning the need/anxst over. What is interesting is that I have had a talk with each of my sponsees about what works for me during the work week and we are all ok with it. Then when it comes to following through with my self care, I sometimes do question if I really deserve having / keeping my limits--berate myself about "not being of service". Sometimes that "never say no to service" idiom can feed my disease more than my recovery I think. That is why it says "take what you like and leave the rest" and we hear there is "a time for every season under heaven".
This is good to put into words...because I also can see, as I write this, that it has to do with me giving more than I am getting lately. I sponsor 3 women; my work involves a lot of listening and "being present with another's pain". My sponsor lives elsewhere now and she has been going through a lot lately, so I am less in touch. I don't expect any of you to write back any long saga like this one, but I do appreciate having the message board to reason things out with/vent to. So many of you have a really good, sound program and I always get a lot from what you shares. I would love to hear some E, S & H around this topic. Thanks for listening
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
One of my boundary slogans is "be reasonable" It's a behavior and it requires inventorying my time and conditions of the relationship with my sponsees. When I am able to attend to the relationship "real time" I do that. When I am not able we can work it out. I saw an AA bumper sticker a long time ago that said "Screw Guilt" and I loved it and added that behavior to my recovery also. I don't do guilt anymore because recovery isn't a moral issue and I know myself as an honest person really well. When it comes to my sponsees that is a "we" relationship and not an I one. It is an unconditional love relationship filled with support and respect for "we" all. I cannot love anyone else if I will not love myself. The "we" relationship always includes the three of us. HP, me the sponsee. In support (((((hugs)))))
When I lived closer to my sponsor we met weekly for a 2 hour session and it was enough except for the once in awhile call in between meetings. Now that I live farther I still call her for our scheduled talk time, even if I don't have much to say, and it just helps me to know she is still setting time aside for me. She does sponsor others. She lets me know not who but that she is meeting with others at different times and needs her nap time. She has taught me to set boundaries and time aside just for me. This is why I don't sponsor yet, I don't feel like I have the time or extra energy. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
