The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I'd say hello. I came here as I need support. I have no one in my situation to talk to. I have a two year old an alcoholic husband. He has put us in great debt. The first year of a baby ate at our relationship and then the drinking got bad. Passed out on the front step. Injuries. Debt.
I tried local alanon. But there is only one here and EVERY SINGLE member has left the drinker. I know continuing to attend will lead me to the same conclusion.
I have no desire to leave. He is an amazing father. He plays, cooks, bathes, etc. She loves him to pieces. But he struggles with the rest of his life. He is very insecure. A severe people pleaser. And never considers consequences.
Sometimes I think that staying will give me no life. I must work instead of be with my child. We have no savings and everything we have is falling apart. But I hope, as even if I left our daughter would connect us, that things can pick up.
He currently, for maybe a month or two, is in regular meetings. And he has finally, after years of me prodding, had two counseling sessions.
Aloha L...you don't have to do what the rest of the fellowship does such as in leaving the alcoholic. In the program I learned to make decisions for myself and the first one was no lending myself into so much of the insanity of being married to the alcoholic/addict. My first wife was an addict and so in program my first focus was on learning the program; steps, traditions, slogans, Higher Power, Sponsorship etc and then learning about me as an enabler within a life threatening disease and then about how I wanted my life to be and then how to live it. It takes time as you already know...One day atta time and so I keep coming back because today I have my responsibility and that is to me. I am sending prayers your way for you, your child and your alcoholic. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for reaching out!! You are in the right place. I hope you will keep coming back and learning and just take what you like and what works for you and leave the rest. This is what I heard here that really helped along with the 3 C's (I cannot CAUSE, CURE OR CONTROL the drinking) There is a lot of wisdom in the al-anon literature that helps people cope who do not want to leave the alc. (especially the One Day at A Time daily reader- ODAT). Ask lots of questions & share on the message board - things will get better! There are also good phone meetings 4 times each day (that I know about-possibly more) Eastern Time 9a.m. noon 4 pm, 8pm (all week) & 10 p.m. (except Wed) 712-432-8733 pin number 52639 u can stay for the whole meeting or even just hear a share or two if you have less time.
__________________
Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
In my meeting, we have people who have been coming with their AH to the AA meeting next door for 20 years. We also have divorcees. I have not heard anybody trying to force an opinion on this subject on anybody else ever. In Al Anon, our focus is learning/relearning who we are. That requires a lot of work, and a new orientation towards ourselves, rather than always and only towards our As. Our joys come when someone learns a truth about themselves, and is able to act on it and improve their lives, not when their opinions and actions align with ours. It is the most unique organization I have ever seen in that regard.
On this board, people come to the conclusion that they can't be with an alcoholic. Some people come to the opinion that they can't be with an active alcoholic. And some people stay with their A, active or not, for years. Keep looking around and you will see all of our stories.
You will see stories where, against all hope, the A goes into recovery and the family can live a life. it may not be "normal", because the A will be in recovery all his life - it is a chronic, incurable disease, after all. But will be livable, much as you have envisioned your marriage.
Then you will see stories where the A just can't get it together, doesn't seem to want to get it together, goes so insane that he threatens the family with violence. You have already seen your husband go down the spiral of debt, I have experienced that as well. Money isn't as important to me as my wife is, but is she were to go active again and go out of control as much as she was 6 months ago, I would re-evaluate that.
Just keep coming back here. And I would still encourage you to go back to your meeting. I went to two meetings, made my own conclusions that were not dissimilar to yours, and didn't come back. I think everyone was just a little too up-front and real, and I wasn't yet comfortable with that. A year and 2 DUIs later, I am back. I need it. It has helped me so much already.
Lastly, you say that " I know continuing to attend will lead me to the same conclusion." My question for you is whether you are worried that this will happen because all the people there are divorced, or because you are afraid you will come to a truth that you aren't ready to face? Sorry for the bluntness, but once you are used to dealing with addiction, you tend to get very real and ask hard questions, because ost of the circumstances are hard.
HI and welcome ODAT79! If you look just a little down from the upper right corner, you will see a button that says "Start a New Topic". We Would love to hear your story and share our Experience, Strength and Hope with you!
I would give Alanon a try, even if the members all left their husbands, they know what you are going through and can help like no one else can. Its the opposite in my meeting, I am the only one that left my husband, so its not the program thats making them leave. I think that is a common misconception and your losing out on some real hope for your life and your child's. Alanon helps you view things differently, you learn to get rid of many of the negatives, attitudes and feelings, that are common when we live with alcoholism. You learn to have compassion for your alcoholic and you learn how to let go of resentment. For me, I learned to like myself much better and place value on my own life, for too long the alcoholics life came first.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us, we need help from people who really know what its like.x
I enjoy a farily good size group here and when I first got started, it was about a 50/50 split, some still with their alcoholics and others having left. During my first week, I watched a woman come to her first meeting. She was so tired, worn out, cried through about half the meeting. She had made the decision to leave, but was full of fear, loved her alcoholic dearly, didn't know where else to turn for support so she joined us in hopes of gaining the strength to do what she knew had to be done.
It's been almost 15 years... last night she comes into the meeting and the smile on her face comes from so deep within that you could see it in her eyes, if her mouth was completely covered. It was a special night... she was celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary and her A who got sober about 2 years after she entered Al-Anon asked her to renew their wedding vows.. another wedding is in the process of being planned.
Her story is a great example of "don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens"... she stayed and it happened for and inside HER first... and then the "miracle angle" visited him one day and he took his first step over the threshold into the rooms of AA. It's fun to watch them together. In the hallway between the two meetings they were talking, laughing and she says.. "did you notice our porch light is not working?" He replied, "yeah, I saw it." Her facial expression changed for a second followed by an "And??".... He smiled and said..."I ain't wanna ya to get all mean on me, so I changed it before comin' to this meeting!" His sponsee was standing there, and said, "ya better get honest man, or you'll be drunk and I'll end up sponsoring you!"... He looked down and said, gawh, that would suck... okay, I just handed him the light bulb and asked him to put it in". But I checked it and it works now!" Everyone around them was laughing. The light came on for both of them... and I'm not talking about the porch light.
In Al-Anon we don't give advice as to whether you should go or stay, we just try to support you, no matter what decision you make. We do suggest that you avoid life changing decisions for your first few months, and just focus on getting yourself centered in the program before taking any actions that you might later regret.
What decision you make, we will respect and support you as you learn, grow and heal with us.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
No one should ever pressure you to stay or leave your A. The meetings are about finding common ground not looking for the differences also, I had so many differences with the people in my first meetings, most of them were still with their A's and I had just left. I kept going back and I am so happy I did. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am sorry for your difficulties. I am struggling with very similar issues. My A is the sweetest man. He is very devoted to me when he can be. It hurts to say that, but it is true. It is hard to have to realize the person you love is ill. That in the middle of a conversation you have to shut off or go away and deal with your own emotions alone, when the person you love is standing right in front of you, but they are a million miles away. That has been the hardest thing for me to process. He may truly want to hear what I have to say about a topic in a conversation, or want to hear how my day was, but the chances of him responding in the way I hope are slim to nill. Letting go of expectation is not an easy thing to do.
I can relate to the ineffectiveness of meetings, as I am going through similar doubts. I have attended alanon meetings on and off for the last 6 months, and right now is definitely an off period for me. I am starting to feel like maybe alanon is not right for me. I am a musician and writer. The things I love about art, life, and spirituality is that it is not all black and white, there is much grey area, and that grey area is generally where you find the most beauty, growth, and change. I may sound a lil' like an ol' fart hippy, but this mentality of mine, has made it hard to digest, what feels at times, an inflexible 12-step program. The whole: 'take what you like and leave the rest', doesn't always feel so true. Especially, when I have been met with cross talk, when I shared my skepticisms about the program. In addition to that unpleasant experience, the formality of the meetings and my innate shyness, has made it difficult for me to forge more personal connections. I see so many people who become fast friends at alanon, and I feel a bit left out. I also feel a bit akward at times, because there are hardly any people my age at meetings. I am 23, and I sometimes feel so out of place. I have been to several meetings at different locations, and I often find that the majority of groups are people in their late 20's to mid 50's, and I appreciate their experience and wisdom, but I wish I could find someone who is closer to my age and in a similar situation. Till I find that, The boards have provided me with the opportunity to interact with a more diverse range of people, and I am grateful for that.
When I first stopped going to alanon, I felt a sense of freedom. I am an insanely independent person, and i like doing things on my own, and I felt like, "I can handle this." I don't know if alanon is completely for me, but I know I can't do it alone. My friends, as great as they are, find themselves conveniently busy when I call to vent my most recent frustration. My sister, who had children with her A, always seems to get on this high horse rant about leaving, when she did NOT leave. Her guy was sentenced to prison, and they reunite every time he finishes a stint. I try to respect her decisions, but it doesn't seem like she respects mine. I can't find a place that truly understands. The boards feel a bit safer with the true anonymity of the internet, and the ability to reach more people. I can get on here, vent what I need to, and if I don't want to hear anybody's two cents, I just don't check back, or if I feel like I need to hear kind words, which generally the vast majority of people on this board are extremely kind and nonjudgmental, I listen to what they have to say. I went to alanon in the beginning because it made me feel less alone. My experience hasn't been the greatest, or the worst, but it is what it is. All I can say is I'm trying to do what feels right, and sharing on this board feels right.
I know that the local al-anon group would never encourage me to leave. But I felt I couldn't open up. When they walked away from all the things I was struggling with. They walked away from the lies and indifference and debt and fear and hopelessness. I just felt I could never speak in a group where everyone left their alcoholic.
