The material presented
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I was on this board several years ago and for some reason just stopped coming. At that point I was going to meetings once a week. A lot has happened since then and I find myself asking where do I start AGAIN? Aside from having an AH, I also now have a little guy who's 9 months old. My oldest is in college and my AH and I have been together for almost 20 years. Before I had the baby and over the last few years I occupied myself by going to counseling, helping DD do college stuff, and taking my middle one out to parks, museums, etc. I used to fight with AH all the time and he'd make promises-I think we all know how that goes when we don't know better.
Anyway, now that my oldest is away and my baby is - a baby, it is very difficult to get to meetings, go out, especially in winter, and I am so angry all over again that I can't even stand being in the same house with him, even if we are on separate floors. Things have gradually gotten worse. He now sleeps on the couch when he doesn't want to "bother" me. He's going through some separate drama involving his father's side of the family (who is also alcoholic-70yrs old) so even on days he is sober, all we (he) talk about is that issue. He refuses to go to any kind of counseling for himself, or as a couple.
Has anyone had young children in the mix while your AH was actively drinking? without help, I want to believe it gets better but I know the answer to that one. Am I doomed to live this life and continue to raise my children like this. It kills me daily that I am incapable of making a Decision.
The thing that helped me take care of and focus on myself was getting to meetings, readings, working the steps with a sponsor. I also have young children and getting out to that meeting once a week is just something that is a scheduled part of the week. There were times that is was difficult for me to get out to meetings; and I also found it helpful to go to the online meetings here.
You are not alone. The situations does get better as you continue to take care of yourself. Wishing you lots of support!
I hope you find improvement! My husband had quit when we got married but there were slip ups. Having a child is what started it, as I developed post partum depression. The lack of sleep and stress turned him to drinking.
The the next two years were hell. Financial ruin. Fights. Telling my daughter she couldn't go see dad even though she knew he was home because he was passed out just inside the door.
Really, it got so low that up was the only way. And so he went to AA. We now have nothing. But he's going to counseling and we are working through this.
Its hard but but I know if I left he would get worse. He is an amazing father. He changes diapers, cooks, cleans, plays. He just has that problem and it has torn everything apart. I, who wanted to be a stay at home mom, have to work full time. That's what angers me most. But, through prayer, this whole thing has really helped me be a more patient, loving, forgiving person.
I certainly have been with an active A when I had a young child. Even more important than taking care of ourselves is taking care of our vulnerable small children. I thought my A was reliable to take care of our child -- seemed to have stopped drinking, claimed he had stopped drinking, swore he would never endanger our child by drinking "on duty" -- and yet he endangered his life early on. Turns out he was drinking; turns out he put drink above the safety of our child. What I learned is never to leave a small child in the care of an alcoholic, unless that alcoholic has a good long time (1+ years) of actively working a formal program of recovery. I got lucky and got wise to what was going on before something irreversible happened to our child. Please take good care of both of you.
Emeraldloo, yes he is "ok" with the baby. He plays with him, cooks, helps with chores. Of course I wish he could do more but I do appreciate his gestures. However, as Mattie said, I am becoming more and more afraid to have to leave the little one with him, like on days I have to work late. On days like that, I know if He hasn't had a beer, it's ok, cause he won't drink. If he's already had a beer and I happen to need something from the store or whatever, then I know I either have to take the baby and my 10 year old, or it has to wait till the next day. In a way I want to leave, (want him to leave) but I know that will make the problem worse (although I need to learn that is NOT MY problem to fix). My 18 year old many times "rescued" my 10 year old when they were 5 and 13. I dread that my now 10 year old will have to do the same with my little guy. I pray everyday for something.....maybe clarity. To help me see that I need to stop worrying so much about him and more about me and my kids.
Alcoholics don't get worse if you leave. Staying just because you think they will get worse if you leave is generally a common but sad misconception. They get worse because alcoholism is progressive. I have met equal or more amounts of alcoholics that get sober following a divorce. Either way, it doesn't matter. Be true to yourself. Pray to your hp. There are no easy answers.
My AW got busted for trying to pick up my 13 yo from school. Everybody in the small, private Christian school saw it, and knew what happened. The only thing that kept her from getting a count of reckless endangerment added on was that the policeman came up to the car and arrested her just before son got in. She was supposed to pick up my son and a friend, they were going to stay the weekend while I was on a business trip.
My wife absolutely adores my son. We did three rounds of in-vitro fertilization to have him. When you hear people say their child is the most precious thing in their life, most of them are full of crap. But not her, she values him more than her life, more than my life. But the alcohol was still too much for her, and she went and did something that she regretted. She is now on probation for two years, lost license for a year, we have paid thousands in legal fees, but the thing that haunts her the most is that she would endanger his life.
So, it can happen to anybody. AW is now 4 months sober. I have seen such a big turnaround n her life, it is amazing. The strength of her recovery is phenomenal. But if she did not have recovery in her life, then I would likely have left by now, because I can't expose my son to the emotional, spiritual, and financial turmoil that that would bring. That was her bottom, and it was most likely mine. Due to her recovery I haven't had to find out, but if that changes, then frank re-evaluation will take place.
