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I have worked on me and have thought I had everything going well .... on my side anyway... my AH is functioning and I know nothing was gonna change with him cuz "he didnt have a prob"
Well two DWI's later and $12000 to fight it all and still awaiting court for last one. ... Im like HUH ... not going down with him (trying not too)
He's moved out of house, is attendin AA (not court ordered yet)
My condtition on him moving back is 3 months sober and seeing the change and AA working in him.
Do I want to try again? I dont know ..7 yrs of let downs and lies... I figure Ill enjoy my one day at a time and the drama free for my son and myself. In 3 months we'll see wht the future holds
My apologies for thinking my AH was more functioning than some ..... they all have same ability to do well or go down the drain... I still refuse to "help" him not go down the drain .. he took two weeks to realize there was no rescue coming from me.
Praying that he continues to choose to be sober and stay with AA
MY QUESTION ....... Am I wrong to get a divorce even if he is sober 3 months and plans on staying that way?. My son and I are so much happier and I dont wana take this chance again .... of the roller coaster
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
No - not wrong but first things first. Maybe you set the separation time line too short. Leave it open ended maybe based on both your feelings. Worry about divorce later.
I agree with pc. Easy does it is a slogan that I like. Kudos to you for looking out for you and your son and leaving your hubbie to shadow dance with himself.
My A has been able to do three months sober, no problem. A year sober? Well, he can go a year without anyone finding out he's drinking, because he's really good at hiding, unless the police get him. Two years would be stretching it - the trouble starts to come back out. I think 'Easy does it' is a good approach. If he's not staying sober, it will become apparent in time - so there doesn't have to be any hurry on your part to take him back. They do put pressure on us, though (and so do our own addictive minds sometimes). Easy does it!
I would agree with all of the above. My AW has had two DUIs, but since the second one she has continues to work hard on her recovery, and I see definite signs of improvement, ofttimes more improvement on her recovery than on mine!
The financial strain is also difficult.
I think the answer to your question does lie in time. Time to see what happens. Time to come back from insanity. And time to evaluate if you ever want to be on the roller coaster again, because chances are pretty dang good that you will end up right back in the same car on that ride somewhere down the road, even with years of sobriety under his belt.
I'm not sure to whom you are apologizing for thinking that your AH is more functioning than some. We all have had our share of denial and delusion here, so nobody is going to judge you for that, I'm quite sure!
No one has the right to tell you to get a divorce , the decision is yours and yours alone . In most areas we ask that new members not make a decision for at least six months of working this program , when your calmer you can make a informed decision not one based on fear . Sobriety is no guarantee that the marriage will survive but for me it was worth taking a chance , I with the help of this program kept the focus on my needs and left him to AA . I pay little attention to what people say , I watch what they do. We have 24 yrs of sobriety in our home today I am not sorry I decided to stay and take a chance , I didn't think we had a hope in hell of saving this marriage , one more time I was wrong . Keep the focus on your own needs and regardless of what he does you will be okay. I am assuming that you are attending meetings f2f for yourself . Louise
I agree with everyone above. Time will tell the tale. My now ex H tried to stop completely and told me all about it, up to and after our divorce was finalized. I knew he was not working a progam, and unfortunately have learned that he has started to have some drinks now and again with the plan to 'tread lightly' with it. I think you are smart to think of yourself and your son and of course see what time brings you.
The question that comes to my mind as I read your post is if you insisted on 3 months sober, how would you know if he were truly 3 months sober? My son has spent months/years sober in prison and/or jail. He's back to drinking very soon after he's released. That's with random alcohol checks and drug drops required by the DOC. It still takes them a long time to figure out he's drinking because you have to almost be drunk for the breathalyzer to record anything. The disease would know to bide its time - especially if testing is usually in the morning and drink when it can escape detection. What gets him in trouble are technical violations brought on by the continued use of alcohol that DOC didn't catch for months during random drops. I wouldn't want to spend my time trying to make sure or figure out if he's dry or using.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 31st of March 2014 06:50:11 PM
Hugs .. it is ok to get divorced and remarry if you and your ah choose to. At some point comes down to what do i want and My own sanity regardless of what the A may or may not do in the future. Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree with all of the above and the minimum 6 month suggestion has always been a strong one. I stayed and have over 27 yrs. of marriage and sobriety. But I focused on myself and what I needed to do to feel safe and worked on my side of the street (I discovered lots to do on my side by working the steps). I have been thanked at the podium by 2 sober Alcoholics at their anniversaries for all of the tough love I gave them and Al-anon is the only reason I could give it consistently. Without the wisdom in the steps and the rooms, I go right back to old ways of care taking and "fixing" and being addicted to focusing on the alcoholic. Now I try not to focus on the outcomes I want just on doing the next mature responsible thing and keeping up in the 10th, 11th, 12th steps.
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
It's not wrong and you could always remarry him down the road if he works true recovery and you are wanting to be together. A friend of mine in program was separated for 6 years from her AH. He got sober in that first year but it took a few years(almost 6) for her to trust him enough to move back in together and to rebuild their marriage.
There is no time limit and everyone's relationship will have variations from others' in recovery despite the similarities we all have with our -isms. As for the right time frames, etc, again there is no hard and fast rule. People outside of the rooms of Al Anon and AA get divorced, too, and have relationship troubles yet they probably didn't wait 6 months to make a decision. I guess my point is that you can do what YOU need to do for YOU. Just make sure that whatever you do, you find peace and serenity in your decision. Sending you lots of support!
90 days is a relatively short period of time when laying it against the back drop of a life time. I would simply remove the time frame and let each day stand on its own merit... one day at a time.
I have seen many alcoholics get sober and stay sober.. but that does not mean the spouse liked them any better, respected them any more, or were able to rebuild that inner sense of security or trust in the relationship. When the flame dies, it can be far more than 90 days to get it lit again. On the other hand... I have also seen the alcoholic get sober and bail out of a marriage that isn't working. The love has diminished to a point of becoming roommates of convenience. When both were in the midst of the dis-ease, it might have worked but once in recovery solidly, they were not content with so little coming from a "relationship". And, I have seen many, who invested themselves in their personal recoveries, and in the unified recovery of their marriage.. and years later they are living a life beyond their wildest dreams, completely in love again and celebrating anniversaries.
All I can suggest is that you turn yourself, your "a", and your marriage over to the care of God... and keep the focus squarely on your side of the street. The truth of the future will reveal itself in time.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I left when my AH was sober 30 days, because I saw the writing on the wall and could not continue our cycle. I was already a broken mess and walking on the eggshells thinking if I screwed up he would go back to drinking like he always did would be my fault, well it was just too much. I timed out and moved out with my kids, he went on a Summer long binge drinking and didn't see the kids for 3 months. Not my fault I can tell you. I did not file for divorce until I was out of the house for 9 months, because I was in no hurry and had started al-anon when I first left and was told not to make any major decisions for 6 months. Not rushing did not hurt me at all. I filed after that and it took another 6 months to be final. I then moved to a nearby town, but not too nearby. I am living my life, working my program and letting him do his thing. My first counselor said to me there is never a too late for anyone and if he ever found and worked a fabulous program and decided to wow me over a long period of time, then consider things, but he is still showing me the same old and well I want no more of that. So I am getting healthier and taking good care of me. It is all I can control and even some days it is more than enough. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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