Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Im not going to let him break me down....
Post Info TOPIC: Im not going to let him break me down....
NavySealWife


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:
Im not going to let him break me down....
Permalink  

Well, day five of my AH not being home. I usually go out for breakfast on sunday's with my parents and today I rather stayed home and take care of alot of laundrey I had to wash. I have been doing that all day until my AH calls me and tells me he will be home later after he supposely put some door locks on, as if he was working. I know and you know that is a lie! Few weeks, ago my husband said to me something that made me think after his text he send me when he read my comment on a support group I got myself on facebook. He called me yelling and cursing up a storm telling me to move out of his house so I hanged up, then he texted me with "Mother f@# boss read that and he called me, dont you ever do that sh#$ again!" How is it that he told me that his boss doesnt have face book and now he says his boss called him asking what is going on? Something wrong here with his comment, he told me last week his boss is not into facebook and now he is????   I took a moment and I took a big deep breath and started to cry with full panic anxiety building inside of me from his voice when he gets like that full of anger and rage! The only time he is like that when is drinking or has alcohol still in his system. When he is fully sober he is understanding, kind, loving, romantic but when he drinks and has not dranked all day he is the devil.

I cried, and first thing I did was pray, and ask the HP to help me and take care of me. Alot of people say how much more can I take this? I really dont have a answer to it because his relaps is so fresh, he relaps January 30 for three months he drinks one day out of the week then sober for a week and half then drinks for days like this and who knows probably sober again.  He says he is tired and cannot fight the disease this time around, I have left him the name of the therapist to make the appt and still has not and states he will so I did my job to give him the resources if he wants help. I have to say, I keep going back to step 1 right when I think I can complete it and go to step 2 but I keep going back to that one step when I feel that everything is going wrong.

I have kept myself strong the last three months reading and educationg myself to help me better me as aperson and better my life with or without him. He dont care not even of his dogs and new litter of puppies. If I was not here my dogs would be niglected because he is not home. My dogs are just like my kids, they have seen me cry many times and they know and feel my pain, and they are the only one who keep me going. I really dont involve my family because they dont understand at all but they are very supportive, i have one brother and sister that dont care but them self so I only have my al anon family to hear me.

I cannot wish what Im going thru to no one not even my worse enemy, as we speak I feel scared and have anxiety just thinking what the HP has for me next? But I pray my HP has brought me this far and will continue to guide me to happiness!



-- Edited by NavySealWife on Sunday 30th of March 2014 08:14:50 PM

__________________
Cathyinaz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3026
Date:
Permalink  

When I finally let go and let God take over it became more peaceful. I didn't answer the phone, I did not respond to the texts. I let go. Give his disease back to him and don't argue with it no matter what. Get the book " Getting them Sober " by Toby Rice Drew. It will give you things you should do to stay within yourself.

To continue to let the A justify his behavior because of you, because of him, because of anything....it's useless to say anything at this point.

Work on just one boundary for you. One that you can live with. Be strong and let your mind have peace with it.

Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone.

((( hugs )))



__________________

 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

(((((NSW)))))....doesn't sound like you're making it to face to face groups and maybe you and the dogs are trying to make it thru this without the help that is available to you...on line is good...MIP for instance...and face to face is much more valuable because  you can reach out and touch your support.   I am concerned that he lost his self control with you and threatened you...I'm a former Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager and his reaction to you would have gotten him busted good...including jail time all to protect your safety.   He's stalking your computer and so your safety level especially when you make mention of "him" is in jeopardy.  Be very careful.  Hoping to continue to hear that you are safe.   (((((hugs))))) smile 



__________________
NavySealWife


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:
Permalink  

Jerry,

I am safe! Thank you for the support



__________________
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

I don't think Jerry was necessarily talking about physical violence (yet). Are you safe from bullying, emotional abuse, getting screamed at for fall out due to HIS alcoholism. Are you safe from getting screamed at and threatened for when you tell people what's going on and reach out for help? Are you safe from that?

What astonishes me is that active alcoholics are often the ones that place outrageous demands on others while they fail to meet basic obligations themselves. You have a right to get help, talk about what you are going through, and if he doesn't like it (which he won't), not your problem. Being left alone for days at a time by your alcoholic husband is YOUR story to share, not his. What you go through in finding your way and coping despite his disease is YOUR task, not his. So I agree with Jerry that there are elements of domestic violence and abuse you are talking about. A rapist and/or batterer will also scream at you to keep their secrets as opposed to changing their behavior or getting help. They also play Mr. Nice Guy/romantic during the down periods to keep you sucked in. Not saying he is a rapist or batterer because it's clear that's not going on (yet) but he's showing abusive behavior towards you.

__________________
SerenityRUS


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:
Permalink  

Abuse is Abuse .. just like pain is pain. I encourage you to re-read what both Jerry and pink have shared because these are two men saying this to you. Trust me .. that's a BIG deal. They are not telling you this ok or minimizing the abuse yOu are suffering currently. Please really read what they are saying. I reached a point in my relationship with my stbax where I thought that's how I should be treated and it became acceptable for me to be treated that way. It's not ever ok for one human being to treat another human being in this manner. My stbax was not a nice person to me or his children. It is changing mostly because everything is in writing and the kids can leave if it's bad. He has also learned I no longer tolerate his behavior and I will not allow him to think on any level it's ever ok to be abusive. I sent a very strong message to him in that regard.

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

I fully support what the others have said.  I believe someone mentioned a few days ago that you sound like you are suffering, it sounds like that to me as well.  Consider that sometimes we have a devotion to suffering and victimhood.  It is not a judgment, but it can accompany the addiction of co-dependency and it can be healed.  We first have to acknowledge it, believe me, you are not alone on this one!  This is where face to face meetings are essential..it is more difficult to hide our true selves, then we get to see that people love us anyway.



__________________

Paula
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

You've gotten great advice and support here. Keep working on a program for you and stay true to you. Hugs and love coming your way!


__________________
Struggling to find me......
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

The disease will get worse. The good guy you mentioned, that will go away. Life does not have to be like this, we can choose how we want to live.

We learn how to live with the A just how they are, difficult, can be done. Leave it the same and we get sicker, or we leave or they do.

The thought of separating is probably very scarey for you. Was for me back in those days. Let me say be glad those are puppies not your children.

I can tell you being proactive made me feel better. Thinking about ok what would I do if I decided to leave? Do I work? get my own place? house apartment? move back with parents until I get on my feet, find my path? What are my options?

He is NOT going to change, plus we have no right to change them. We all deserve to be accepted just how we are.

So he does not come home, he does not help with your animal family. Ok he doesn't. You are home, you are 100% responsible for the dogs. This is how it is. No fighting, talking, crying, threats whatever is going to change what IS>

I worked a long time to get myself strong, to like me, love me, depend on myself. If a guy came along he was dessert,extra then if it grew to us being best friends great. But I accepted him as is.

How much hurt is one going to go thru? Does one honestly believe she can change anyone but herself? What boundaries do you need and what consequences can one put forth?

All I know is when I got that tablet out and wrote how i felt, and options as how to change it, I was free. I knew I would no longer live with that hell. no way.

It was not easy but it was sooooo sooo worth it. I have my life now. If I find someone or someone finds me great. if not I love what I do have. As it is MY life.  hugs



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
NavySealWife


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:
Permalink  

I thank all of you for the great comments, I understand what jerry is saying and he is truly right!!!!! I never ever came to mind the way you explain it pink! It makes all sense to me!!! thank you

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Im not going to let him break me down....