Guilty but not to the point of enabling..... just within me - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Guilty but not to the point of enabling..... just within me

Rose50 · Senior Member

I know just what you mean. This is something you enjoyed with your son and now he isn't there with you. You miss him. It's perfectly normal what you are feeling. I go through the same emotions. We just want our boys back!

(((hugs)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When my son was first in jail, I felt guilty, too, whenever I was enjoying my life. The Language of Letting Go was a big help in my working through survivor guilt. It wasn't benefiting my son any for me to feel guilty or to stop enjoying my life. If I was an advocate for recovery, being down in the mouth all the time wouldn't be something my son would want to emulate. My daughter helped me a bit back then, too, in her subtle, soft and gentle way (NOT). "Mom, you're such a drag to be around." It was true. I was a drag to be around. I upped my meetings and upped my attitude of gratitude.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 30th of March 2014 08:49:04 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this big time on two levels; one of survivor's guilt- and the other- a back up strategy on tormenting myself with reliving something that no longer exists as I remember it, as with a death of a loved one. (I don't mean to torment myself- something I keep 4th stepping as I can handle more and more.)

Fond memories are fond memories, but I am continually struggling for a path of detachment. Now that I understand how quickly and deeply I attach to people, places, and things and how dangerous this can be for me- I must be very mindful to break this rooted habit. I try to make new associations to continue the positive and trash the negative- such as inviting friends over to enjoy the tacos as a celebration of the friendship (just for today, it is about you, your friends, and celebration tacos). This does not disturb my memories, but it lessens my negative attachment.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy I do hear you and have experienced the same such feelings. One day my HP changed that grieving process about and let me see see how grateful I can be be for the memories of the times we shared, laughed and loved each other.

Today I am truly grateful for the days and activities we shared and if I remember a special time, like decorating the tree I will simply stop - say Thank you HP for that beautiful memory and move on to decorate the tree

It works.

deacon · Senior Member

I'm working on the same issues Cathy. For several years now, my son has drained most of the joy from my life. Made me feel like a failure as a mom. So of course a failure should never be able to really enjoy anything because.... well I failed did I not and it impacted my son's life so much and it was and is my fault.

Then I found alanon and finally realized that it is not my fault. My son was probably predestined by his father's family history to have a problem with alcohol. And my keeping him away from it for so many years did not change things. I am trying so hard to say that this is his fight and his life and I am powerless to change him. And I am working on giving it up to a HP and living my life to the fullest and even having some fun now and then. Don't always achieve this as I slip back into 'my fault' thinking but it is getting better a little at a time.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Deacon

You can do anything if you want to. Just like we tell our son's if you want it bad enough you will have it. I have to work on it everyday and I will continue to work at it everyday because I don't want to live like this no matter if my son will drink or he won't.

I love him dearly but I can't hold him up anymore..

Keep coming back because you are not alone.....lets support each other and the ESH between all of us will give us peace

((( hugs )))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy that is perfectly natural! Has nothing to do with your son being A. When I go to thrift shops and goof around I think of my Mother. Also when I go pick fruit to can I do too.

On Sundays after 14 years I still miss calling her or going to see her. Things will remind us of people things, placeshe. HOme made bread smells make me think of gma ahart. Rhubarb makes me think of my sheets reming me of when MOther would make our beds with us in them! (c:

Hey he is just find. remember the hint? say stop and put in HE is ok. He has it better than most people in the world! HUGS!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.