The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
I had a great weekend this past weekend. I went on a road-trip with some friends and had a great time. However, it left me feeling sad.
On the way home, a friend of mine popped in and hung around my apartment while he waited for his girlfriend to pick him up after I was dropped off. This friend lives in a nice Toronto condo with his girlfriend while I am couped up in a bachelor apartment. I don't have any really new stuff, not because I can't afford it, but because I plan on moving into a condo I will be purchasing soon in my area...but it really made me realize that I am really ashamed to show people who I am. I felt sort of embarassed and it even brought back old feelings from my childhood.
Almost a sense of tension....a sense that I was being judged. I was always reluctant to have people over and even now it feels weird. This friend understands my home situation and doesn't judge me for it, but it's almost as if the general public my age questions why I would pay rent in a sub-par living arrangement like this instead of 'living at home', which is what my generation seems to do.
For years I have always felt lesser than because of my situation and I have always felt like I am being judged, like if I let people in they'll be disapointed.....I am afraid that I will just end up disappointing people.....like my father, he disappointed everyone. This has cost me self-esteem, confidence, relationships, experiences....
But perhaps, it's given me so many other ones. Ones that I needed instead of ones that I wanted. I just wish I wasn't so ashamed of where I come from. I can't let this hinder my life any more though.....
I feel that I need to sell my successes more. Promote more of the positive.
As Betty would say...Where's that asset list. You have one I know it. Everyone does. If you think it's small now that's cool...just add to it every time it's needed. Oh and it doesn't do you one bit of good being ashamed of who you are or what you have. You do your best to be the best person you are and what others think is their freaking problem. Be proud of where your at right now. You have a lifetime to move on up in material things and you will get there one day at a time.
We all have successes that we don't think of at the time but they are there so be proud.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Inventory time Jim. Time to relieve yourself of the "False Evidence" which appears real. You already know that you judge yourself harshly and don't have a lot of real evidence always at hand. Great that you had a great weekend...which Jim went? Sounds like you're "stuck" which is what I went thru hard after my assault by the police however the tool I worked with while working with my VA therapist was an inventory tool. My sponsor during my 4th step insisted on a split page inventory...an honest one...fold the paper down the middle and on the left side "The good of or about me" and on the right "the not-so-good about me" then he gave me a caveat before I turned it in..."There is no such thing as there being more bad in a person than good". Call your sponsor and lets find the real Jim. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I felt that way about myself and my place but for different reasons. My sponsor made me throw a dinner party to get out of my comfort zone, show willingness and act in a healthier manner.
I used to feel ashamed of me, too, Jim. Mostly because I wasn't living up to some false image I had of myself. One day I realized what I was doing to myself in my therapist's office. I watched him grin because I had uncovered the truth about me - I was just fine the way I was. All I had to do was let go of trying to fix myself and just be myself - strengths and warts together. I let go of the sledge hammer I held over my head ready to come down on me every time I thought I didn't measure up to some crazy self-image that was a combination of TV commercials and magazine adds I had integrated into my psyche over time. I was never going to be perfect. I was never going to be Hollywood beautiful. I was never going to win a Mother of the year award or work out until my figure was similar to Barbee's, or have hair the color of platinum or skin without lines. I wasn't going to own the most expensive car or house or furniture or clothing on the market. I wasn't going to say all the right things, read people perfectly, dance well or play drum solos for Jimmy Kimmel live. But, I could be the woman who had survived tragedy, poverty, beatings and threats to kill me. I could be the woman who knew how to help bring a loved one's fever down, comfort a grieving Mom, keep a roof over my children's heads and food on the table, care about myself and others, do volunteer work, pay the creditors who trusted me to keep my word, and help my friends move when they needed it. I was enough as I was. I didn't have to be ashamed of my ordinariness. I could choose to make the best of it and enjoy it, too. You're fine the way you are, SJ, and you've got plenty of time to polish up the facets on the diamond of you.
Comparing and despairing is pretty common for those of us who've grown up with alcoholism. You're right... you're true friends aren't judging you. Obviously, they like you, they come around. You've lovable and deserve love. Working our Alanon slogan Let it Begin with Me has been a good self love reminder for me at times. We're worth it. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I often wonder how it is possible to have worked so hard my entire life to turn up mid 30's with next to nothing all over again. That's when I know I need to dust off my asset list and get back to making a gratitude list daily.I also know that the isolation that was caused by living with the disease still has a hold on me. If my daughters have a friend to come sleep over its not very often and it takes place at my parents. I see the other kids walking around in name brand clothing and the crème de la crème have the newest hottest thing. It at first seems like a slap in the face but then I remind myself that it shall pass. All that stuff passes. The "stuff" becomes obsolete and without the next greatest thing kids grow up to become adults and desperately try to fill their buckets with stuff. Thank goodness I have Alanon to fill my bucket with tools to help fulfill me starting on the inside and out. So much of this "stuff" we can do with out. I also had a great weekend away with my daughters dance competition (grateful to friends and family who are very supportive and have helped manage to keep her in dance with monetary gifts for birthdays, Christmas and in exchange for work done). There was of course the "group" who went to a much more expensive place with the "in" crowd. In "bragging" of where the kids were staying they neglected to have an understanding for the ones who couldn't "afford" such a place. The best moment of the trip was sneaking in a bunch of kids into the indoor pool where we stayed. I could not afford the better but I did find one with an indoor pool and reserved fairly in advance. The kids I "snuck" in were staying where there was no pool. That moment helped fill up my bucket.
SJ, I very much like how honest in your posts you are. You are perfectly human. To me we are all equal in the eyes of our HP.
One day at a time :)
(((jim)) It is good that you are aware of all the falsities that are floating around. I wonder if you just wish that people would not judge you....you yourself gave a great reason why you don't have "new" stuff. You are planning ahead - a very admirable feat. I also find that old habits (the habit of feeling a certain way) die hard. It takes a lot of practice and effort to nudge myself into thinking and feeling differently. Practice makes progress, and you can't practice until you realize you are doing it..- which you DO=) HOORAY JIM!
I used to live in a town (and a neighborhood) of soccer moms in their workout clothes and Tahoe's...Well that is just not me. I am a jeans and jeep kinda person, although quite out of shape lol. I "felt" judged all the time. But mostly I wished that i could TRUST that the people around me would love me for who i AM, flaws and all. Frankly, everyone has flaws. So I often like to remind myself that the people that judge me are generally more worried about what *I* am thinking of them anyway. haha.
I understand what you mean about people being "disappointed", but the truth is we are ALL human. Here is an example. When I left my AH (and I felt totally worthless) I found myself a retail job at a semi upscale clothing store. Well It was time for me to go and I told the 3 ladies that I need to get on my way or I would be late for my CODA meeting...."Cause I am Codependent". I just blurted thing out in those days so that I could stay as true to myself as possible - judged or not - i didn't care. Well let me tell you, all 3 of these sophisticated ladies raised their hands, nodded with sweet smiles and said "ME TO".
So, my dear Jim, you are not alone. Most of the time others just don't have the courage to look at themselves with a microscope OR share with their true friends what they see..OR try to make it better. I think that what you are doing for yourself is super special, keep up the good work! Keep practicing!
Many blessings
