The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow, I am soooooo glad I found alanon and MIP when I did. I'm seeing everything with different eyes and I'm so glad of that right now.
Daughter, you see, has done some fairly fast maturing of late.
It started with her telling me that she wants to learn French (they don't offer languages at her little primary school) and so she is teaching herself at home. She wants to be really good at it and go to a high-school where she can eventually do an exchange program to France, she says. At the time, I thought "wow this is an impressive plan for a just-turned- 11 year old, how exciting!!". Anyway she's been quite studious with her homework and also rallying the other kids to participate in various charity events etc. So she's been receiving recognition at school and been asked to participate in a program that has kids spend an hour a week doing volunteer work and other activities and in return they gain a certificate as well as various life skills, and she wants to do it because she wants to go to a "good" high school, not the fairly average local one and she thinks this will help her. Oh yes indeed it will, my girl and I'm sure that's exactly why your teacher suggested it!
And then a week ago, the biggest bombshell of all, she wants to go to an all-girls school in town (could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me that) and do the accelerated learning program, wow. So off we went tonight to an information evening and the school seems fantastic. Her teacher has said she will write her a glowing recommendation as it's competetive to get in...(state-funded all-girls school, there aren't many of them) anyway I can't believe how motivated she is. It's exciting. And it's sparked off so many things in me and I am just so very, very glad that I have alanon tools to work my way through it all. Seeing all of those young girls with their whole lives ahead of them and all of the amazing opportunities the school offers...
See, I was supposedly a smart kid and was skipped ahead and expected to do very well. I was also a really miserable kid and I have to confess even if I try really really hard I can't recall a happy childhood memory. (I know, lol, poor Melly boo hoo). I just wanted to grow up and get out of there. So when my mother announced that I would be going to an all girls school I was devastated because even at that age I wanted to go to a high school with boys and social drama, and academic progress was the very least of my worries. I hated her for it, I hated the school, and all I wanted to do was meet boys and I spent my high school years sneaking out to do just that, and get high and go to clubs and I generally set myself up for a miserable future. Eventually I dropped out and left home at 16 and worked and partied. I took myself back to high school a year later and excelled as an independant whilst renting my own house, working 3 and sometimes 4 jobs, obsessing about my live-in musician/druggie boyfriend and caring for 2 dogs and 2 cats. Got into a great university and then...met my daughters dad, stopped going to classes and went back to being a professional codependent. Got married. Was miserable. Got divorced. Was miserable. Got together with ABF. More being miserable. And here I am, 37 years old and I could have done so much with my life but instead I spent it attaching myself to addicts and abusers and living their miserable lives and hiding from my own. It hurts to really see that now and it's difficult to find a positive way to look at it. I wish I had...I wish I had...I have so many regrets. I'm struggling to accept them right now, honestly.
So when I see my daughter so motivated and full of dreams, but without the miserable self-destructive attitude that I had, I feel so excited for her. And a little sad and angry with myself, with my past, my choices, the environment I grew up in, all of it.
So while I'm being excited and wanting to help and encourage her to fulfil her dreams it also brings up a lot of "stuff" in me that I didn't know was there. Mostly the realisation that I can't live through her or expect her to succeed to make ME happy. I can support, nurture, love and be proud of her but I can't live through her and I tend to try to do just that. So right now whilst I have to start finding ways to put aside more money and create a nice stable home environment for her to flourish in, I realise that I also need my own life now, more than ever. I need to stop letting everything else get in the way and finish my degree, start meeting other adults, develop my career, and LIVE instead of always feeling overwhelmed and sad and crushed by the awful diseased environment I grew up in and have perpetuated throughout my life. And I think before alanon started re-wiring my thinking, I would have given up on my dreams right now, resigned myself to a low-paying job to pay for everything she wants and gone about the business of being miserable forever. And gotten really, really angry with daughter if she failed to live a fantastic successful life for me to vicariously enjoy.
But that's just not the way to do it! And I'm soooo glad to have a new way of thinking, to know that I have a responsibility to live and love my own life and no-one else's. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to need work now because the things she wants to do are expensive and beyond my current budget but, that doesn't mean my life is over or that I have to give up on everything I want! To me, right now, it means it's more important than ever to make sure I know what I want to achieve and make my plans so that they allow for me as well as for daughter.
I also know, with a bit of sadness (but not that much) that there is no room in this for he who must not be named or any of his drama. He is so very draining and demanding emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. Lately, after begging for a "chance to prove himself" he has been so very hopeless, moaning and ranting about everything he doesn't have, how unfair everything is, how sad he is that I do not want to pretend to be his adoring girlfriend anymore, and oh the non-stop drama! And I recognise the behaviour because it was my own; I believe he thinks if he makes me feel sorry enough for him I will see how cold and nasty I am and set about devoting myself to caring for him and only him once more. Well, that's inventory taking I know but that's how it seems. Meanwhile he has done nothing whatsoever to "improve" anything other than refraining from raging or drinking hard liquor at home (for the moment). Every morning, every night when he gets home, before bed, he rants or moans about something or other. Yesterday it was over an hour of hysterics because he couldn't find a belt to wear and I didn't get up and try to help him look. Tonight he wanted me to go to town with him tomorrow and help him sort out one of his bills and I said no, tomorrow is my only day at home that i can study this week and he couldn't believe I was saying no and went on and on and on "but I need you to...but I don't have a phone and I need you to come and call this person and do this and that" . Well no, sorry, I have my own life to look after tomorrow. He's sulking now. But aside from trying to hide my amusement, I just don't care about this nonsense anymore, I don't care if he is happy with me or thinks I am a good "girlfriend" or satan on waterskiis really. I just find it wearying and irritating and juvenile. So tonight when we were at the school info night it suddenly dawned on me...if daughter goes to school in town, wouldn't it make sense to move to town? It's only an hour by train from the big city where my uni is and I could go to actual face to face classes and meet people, there are heaps of places that I could work...an hour on the bus if we want to visit our beach...much less once I am driving...I could meet mother or grandmother in the city for lunches...houses are cheaper to rent...I can see it and the idea feels good. Daughter loves it; no hour-long bus ride to school each day. But there is no room in this vision for he who must not be named. The future just doesn't look good when I try to picture him in it. And I know I could never, ever make him understand why and I also know that if I "try" as he keeps asking, to be "together" again it will be a short honeymoon before the abuse and horror begins anew.
So, anyway, my head is swimming with new ideas and dreams of the future and regrets and guilt but overall, it feels like new beginnings and at the heart of it, I feel excited and optimistic and so very, very grateful for this program and the people who make it live.
There is so much here in your post, I would be swimming in my head. I so understand your experience and when I am in one of these states, I do what works for me to ground me. I hear growth, opportunity, purpose and old dark patterns wanting to pull you back, wow. Do you have a sponsor or mentor that can help you sort through this? Keep going, you are a powerhouse, just like your fabulous daughter.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 08:49:03 AM
Thank you, for such an inspiring honest, share. I love how being in program has given you the courage, serenity and wisdom to see a future that is possible and well worth working towards. Instead of day dreams and fantasies, your vision is well ground in a reality that is so possible and with program tools well within reach.
Glancing back at the past (to learn the lessons) and not fall into despair is also a great alanon exercise . We are human, we choose a path in life , learn the lessons that are on that path and then when we are ready to grow move forward.
Seeing that your daughter is a separate little individual with a path and life of her own was also a great awareness. Allowing you both the e dignity to grow, learn and thrive is the best gift you can give to your family.
Awesome, I get so excited when I read posts like this, I could just reach through the computer and hug. You are in inspiration and I look forward to seeing more of the beauty within you.
I was watching a TV show last night where this woman said "My daughter is my life. She means everything to me". She then proceeded to moved her and her daughter into some guy's house that was only 5 years older than her daughter, daughter hated it, and she was told to just deal with it. It almost made me sick.
Thank goodness I got to read this today, which restored my faith in what it is like to realize that your daughter is everything. Not to relive through daughter, but give her as many chances as possible without other people unnecessarily dragging her down.
Thanks for restoring my faith. I wish your daughter well, she has a lot of gumption, and that will get her far in life!!
Great post melly, I love that feeling of having a life and making plans for your own life as an individual, not a mother or a daughter but just as a person with the right to a good life. Its such a simple statement but I honestly didnt know it until alanon. Its like getting brought up again but with all the gaps filled in.x
I'm so happy for you Yeah I cry but your daughter is the most important thing in your life and I'm so so happy you are making her happy and show her how to live life to the fullest. A mom's love and care is so important.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I was the same promising kid you are and your daughter is... I was one who began French at the age of 11...
he was the high school teacher and i had him at the age of 13... but that year he ended up on the front page of 'Truth' and in jail. One of the older pupils ended up in a maternity hospital.
I did not have family support or recognition of this... I think this made a big difference to my life- it was my gateway to becoming an older street kid.
