The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my AH a month ago after what he calls a slip up. Over the past few years his slip ups have been worse. He has been in jail once and the hospital 3 times. It was too much for me to handle. The roller coaster of alcoholism was making me crazy. I was always anxious waiting for him to drink again. He has been drinking for around 25 years. We have been married for 11. I ignored the red flags when we got together because I was lonely after my first husband left me for another woman.
My husband was in an outpatient rehab program for 8 Weeks from Nov to Jan. then he had his "slip up". That's when I called it quits. But i called it quits because of many incidents, not just this one. Now I see my husband cleaning up the house I moved out of. He lost his job too. He has a lot of time on his hands. from what I can tell, he has been sober except for drinking NyQuil. he watched our daughter yesterday and everything was fine while I was at work.
heres my dilemma: I WANT something to happen so I can tell myself "see? This is why you left." This doesn't seem normal to me. I want him to drink and show me again why I made a decision not to put up with alcoholism anymore. Just writing that makes me question what is wrong with me? I am still grieving over my lost marriage I guess. I want to be happy with my new life. we have to sell our house too. Or lose it. There's a lot going on. I just feel so strange when there isnt any drama with him. It also makes me mad. I don't think he is working a strong program. But that's his business.
I am tired of second guessing myself. I should be confident and not question myself. Any ideas?
He isn't sober if he's drinking Nyquil. Sounds to me as if he is still trying to control the disease on his own. He just lost his job and he relapsed after rehab ending in January. The house cleaning will probably be temporary as he works to reclaim what he has lost.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a marriage with a healthy partner. He isn't that. You want to be confident with no self doubt? I've been in the program for 35 years and still struggle with self-doubt especially when going through tremendous upheaval and major change. That's not such a bad thing. It helps me stay connected closer to my HP. I get in trouble when I think I know it all and don't lean on my HP or go to my sponsor and the fellowship and my program tools.
It took me 10 years following the divorce from my AH to see that I had chosen wisely in choosing to divorce him. That doesn't mean that I didn't keep my hopes in place for his recovery, but it never happened. He died at 51. I didn't die although I probably would have if I hadn't followed through on separating from him and then divorcing.
My x also did all sorts of things I had wanted him to do while we were married after we divorced but what he didn't do was stop being abusive, partying or continuing his use of drugs and alcohol.
Taking a step in faith comes with no guarantees other than one - your HP will be with you every step of the way.
Thank you grateful. I agree about the NyQuil. His denial is so strong. Says he drinks it for the other ingredient that helps with colds. Hmmm. I have had self doubt for a long time. I plan on reading my journals about the bad stuff that happened in our house. It's crazy because I feel like I am married to two different people. I love him but hate the alcoholic behavior. The bad things have outweighed the good. I am glad he and I can speak civilly for the most part. Maybe that's what confuses me. When we get along. I think I would feel better if we argued more. Lol. This is crazy thinking.
It is possible he will get better after you leaving and it's not because of you, but it's because you just left him more on his own to hit bottom and need recovery to be functional. So...if...just saying IF, he does get better (and that's questionable based on some of what you are saying), THAT is also good enough reason. Sometimes staying with an alcoholic keeps them sick without us even meaning for it to happen and sometimes without any seeming enabling on our parts. When left alone, sometimes an alcoholic's chances of recovery are better. Hence, you didn't jump ship necessarily to avoid the just the sinking, but you also jumped ship so he might fix his own ship without you riding it. Everything happens for a reason. Don't doubt yourself.
Arguing more to me would only mean the disease is progressing more in the both of you. It keeps the focus on nothing other than conflict that gets worse as each person tries to get the other person to see it from their perspective. It may be a blessing that you don't argue more?
I can relate, I left my ex too and the house. He hit the drink for a long time after, nearly lost his job, the kids wouldnt go near him etc. Then he got AA and hes been maybe a year sober and working a program, it looks like life is on the up for him. We don't speak but in December we were forced to spend a couple of days together and even though sober and much better, I saw exactly what I left. Its his attitude, his opinions and views, they make me nuts and at first I thought this is quite nice spending time with him, you know, its like we used to be in a way, the easy conversation, comfortable in his company, we know each other so well but it only lasted a couple of hours and then everything that he said and did reminded me why I left and I was glad when it was over.
It takes time to get over loss, the loss of your family, your relationship, that's a grieving program but sometimes our minds can trick us into the whole, he was not as bad as I thought and was I wrong to leave. Look how well he seems to be doing, my ex also got things looking great and then asked me back and it was all for my benefit which was not honest or real. In my experience the decisions were usually made for the right reasons.
El cee you reminded me of the reasons why i left that don't include drinking. We have different views on many things. He makes up his own rules in life. He doesn't like to be told what to do by anyone. Very defiant.
Pink chip what you said makes sense. If it feels right for me to leave...it might be the right thing for him too. He likes to be sarcastic with me and say I have written him off as a drunk for the rest of his life. He does not look at his disease as a life long thing.
And yes grateful...arguing less is better. It is my brain that tells me to keep finding proof of why I left.
There is nothing wrong with you that Alanon can't fix.... Be careful give the situation time, remember Alcoholism cunning and baffling. Remember actions speak louder than words....a good thing to go by. og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I believe that you are caught in his disease and are feeling guilty, glad you have turned to Alanon.
Before Alanon, which was 30 years ago, I use to feel guilty , that he drank because I was not a good wife and I needed to be better.
30 years later, lots of Alanon, and the experience of living with this disease for over 30 years, I find that I am powerless over this disease and the consequences
of the suffering alcoholic. The A passed away this passed July. I divorced him 7 years prior to his death. This is proof of this fatal disease, as he is not the only one dying from this disease.
Nobody here is going to 2nd guess you as to why you left the Alcoholic. We already know its the most difficult path you could travel. The day we are born we have to right to our personal freedom and any decisions that go along with that. Alanon is not about the drinker. Its about learning how to set ourselves free from the limitations and shackles that the disease has put on us. Alanon has the tools and the solutions.
You don't need an excuse to start taking care of yourself and living your life serenely. Alanon will show you the way.
