Well, I'm still under the same roof as ABF. But not in the same way.

After his drunken attack 5 weeks ago I was feeling pretty screwed up. I knew something had to change but as I have explained on here before, I sort of had a bit of a PTSD spaz and just kind of lay in bed shaking for a week. I'll never forget that; one minute I was feeling fine and irritated because he was getting drunk and telling me stupid stories about how much he loves the feeling of being drunk and I was thinking "really? wow, that's interesting" because I don't love getting drunk, even though I have done plenty of it over the years. It makes me feel worried and self-conscious and then dizzy and sad and then hungover and sick. What's to love about it? I remember having a great revelation as he was telling me this...Oh. My. God. He enjoys it. He isn't being tortured by his addiction, he loves it". And then everything went to hell and I told him each day, you have to leave and each day he agreed and then the next day he tried to pretend everything was normal and fine. I told this story already.

So some things did change. I started looking at houses with another lady, and as I got to be closer friends with her she started to "be herself" around me more and I feel like I am insane, always saying that other people act crazy, because surely this must be me and some kind of weird way I misconceive the world but she and her daughter scream at each other in a terrible way, and she screams and swears about what people have done wrong to her that day, and there is just so much screaming. When we are all in the car together she and her daughter start screaming and she is screaming in my ear because I am shotgun and her daughter is in the back-seat and the more we had coffee and conversation together the more she would scream and swear at me, just telling me about this or that person who upset her that day and how she is going to F them up and I couldn't help thinking...how long until that is me? How long until she is screaming at me and wanting to F me up? And then daughter, who had wanted so much to live with them because the other daughter is her close friend said to me "mum, this isn't a good idea. I don't think it's going to be better. I don't think you and me could be happy living with them. All they do is scream and fight". And then she gave me a huge hug and said "I'm so glad we aren't like that" And I counted my blessings because thank HP my girl values our mostly peaceful and caring relationship and also, I stopped feeling like I had to catch the only taxi around because it would have been horrible. I'm going to continue to have a friendship with that lady, in very small doses and from a distance. She has a good heart and I don't think she even knows how much she screams or that it isn't very healthy. And keep looking for a better solution for my child, and our fur-babies and myself.

But that leaves me sharing a house with ABF and that isn't so great either.

What is different between he and I (and daughter) is that once I felt able to communicate, I told him some unbreakable laws. Basically, you can't sleep in my bed or be my partner right now because you did something abominable and I cannot in good conscience allow my daughter to see me cuddling up to you and making nice with you. He begged for another chance; at first it was because it was too hard to move and then it was because it would be too expensive to live on his own and finally it was because he can't stand the thought of living with anyone else and he can't afford to live alone and then it was because he needs me. So we reached an agreement and I already knew it was stupid and pretty much like a home-brand band-aid but he wouldn't drink any spirits in the house or disrupt our lives or bother us in any way and he assured me he was going to change and prove to me that he could be a good man. 

My response was to write a list of absolutely not negotiable things (no using physical force for any reason, no touching our stuff, no swearing or yelling, no abusing the pets, etc). And I told him, you may not sleep with me and we are not together. You are a co-tenant. For the time being, as you say you wish to prove yourself to me, I'll give you a chance to do that. But you hurt me, you terrified my daughter and violated her rights, and I do not feel safe with you. You can accept that or you can leave. If you want to prove yourself to me you will seek help and recovery and be consistently sober, calm, kind and mature and accept that you hurt me and it will take a long time for me to rebuild trust and let myself be close to you. I am not ever going back to the way things were. Take it or leave it".

So of course he hasn't done anything differently really except for keeping his head down, we agreed he could drink beer but nothing harder so of course he's drinking a crazy amount of it, and at first he was quiet as a mouse but as the weeks go on he becomes more petulant, why can't I sleep with you? You're just being a bitch" as if he forgot what he did. And I don't want to remind him of it; that wouldn't be healthy for me so I just detach, and detach, and detach. Perhaps I will eventually float away. 

But the point is, I am different. It has been 5 weeks and I have not slept with or allowed myself to be close to that guy. I listen to his words sometimes and try to understand him but mostly I wish he would just go away. I don't feel any anger towards him or any desire to hurt him, I just see that we are living in separate realities and I think his reality is stupid and it annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes I feel a wave of sadness and want to go and cuddle up and be close to him but it's pointless; what is the use of starting the whole cycle again? 

When I feel like that now, I remember that I have a program, and it's far more joyful than anything I ever got from subjugating myself in horrible relationships, and the feeling goes away and I am still here and I am still OK. 

I suppose I am white-knuckling it.

But I never did like to do things the easy way.