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This is my first time visiting Al-Anon of any type. I have been married to my husband for four years and the whole time my Mom and Dad have told me that they believe he is an alcoholic and that I should check out Al-Anon.
I don't want to be in any type of denial and I want to know for sure if he is an alcoholic so I at least know what I am dealing with so I can make some decisions.
My husband is a great person but he does drink quite a bit. When he does drink, that is basically the only time we end up getting in a fight. When not drinking he is sweet, loving and rational. When drinking and we have a fight, he is calling me names, saying he wants a divorce, blaming me for everything, yelling at the top of his lungs, etc. I can't stand it. We have three kids by the way and he doesn't care who is around when he yells.
Tonight we went out with friends and I let him drink so I could drive us home (although he kept pressuring me to drink). He was starting to be obnoxious as he got drunk so after we left I made a comment about how I was irritated and could he please take it down a notch. He got instantly pissed, started yelling and screaming, was saying I should move out and pack my shit (although he said I was the world's best wife yesterday). When we got home, he hopped in his own car, sped out and yelled at the top of his lungs "this is your fault, go fuck yourself". I'm sure the neighbors heard. He drove 5 plus miles to get a bottle of Jack Daniels because our house was dry. When he got home he told me just to admit I was sorry. I didn't at first. He then got into saying how we was done with this relationship, I ruined his fun time with friends, he was sick of trying, he can't make me happy blah blah blah. He slammed my laptop shut on my fingers. I got in my car and left for awhile. Got home and he is telling me I am beautiful and trying to be sweet. It is like dealing with someone bipolar. This happens quite frequently (once every week or two) and only from my observations when he is drinking.
He drinks from Friday night through Sunday night. He tries not to drink too much during the week because he is pretty functional and a higher up in the military. In his work culture they are all heavy drinkers and it is everywhere. It would be weird if someone didn't drink.
I don't care for drinking much at all with the exception of a small glass of wine or champagne. Being around alcohol a lot really bothers me. I cannot stand the yelling and cursing and name calling when he drinks. I worry about how it is affecting the kids. He is never late for work and doesn't sleep all day or anything. He actually enjoys having a hangover and will get up just as early as I do. Another thing that bothers me is that we cannot go on a date without him getting plastered. I can't stand it. I feel like it is only going to get worse over time. I want to get out of this relationship if things aren't going to change. I feel like he will never stop drinking. He gets pissed when I say he might be an alcoholic. I don't want to live in denial. I can handle the truth if I hear it. Would appreciate advice and help determining if he is alcoholic or abuser.
And also, it is only a couple hours after telling me to get a divorce that he trying to love on me like nothing happened. I feel like I am taking crazy pills. It is bizarre and I don't understand.
I think it is very typical. Mine will say the same thing and by morning he does not remember. He always brings up stuff that happened to me before I even met him and does not remember that either. It is scary when they transform minute by minute. I am trying to keep my distance from him and not get into an argument. Right now he is not drinking but after 8 or more years of on again off again I never will really trust him. Everything is always our fault or someone Else's fault. It is never their fault. They can NEVER take responsibility for their action. Al-anon has taught me this is not my fault and I cannot change him. If "they" want to change there are many places out there, along with AA, to get help. I think it is too much of an effort to do that for some - my AH included - so the saga continues. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing. This is a great site. Also if you go to You Tube you can find a lot of stuff on alcoholism, denial, detachment, etc. It is very informative.
Going to fqce to face meetings, getting al anon literature will be a big help for you. Also a good book to read us "Getting Them Sober: by Toby Rice Drews. Doing all this will make you more aware if wgat us going on, and hioefully stir you to acceptance. stirring you to acceptabce may sound like a strange concept, but if you do some Al Anon work youwill come to know exactly what that means. Acceptance is hard. But you will come to acceptance with awareness of your surroundings.
In Al Anon we do almost exactly the sane 12 steps that AA does. Step 1 is essentially acceptance of our powerlessness over alcohol. Keep coming back so you can find the power in that first concept.
Aloha ((((hmk)))) welcome to the board and I'm also glad you made it. In Al-Anon we say you're qualified if you "have a problem with someone else's drinking" and it sounds like you are. What you can do on this site is scroll back in time and check out all of the other many shares made by others who are very very similar to yours. You will learn from their shares...what they have said about their situations. I didn't know anything about alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism when I first got into Al-Anon and then by sitting in our face to face meetings and listening for similarities I "got it". I was married to an alcoholic/addict. Your condition does sound bi-polar and then the psychological industry is very attached to the alcohol treatment industry (worked in the latter). Manic/depressive also use to be attached to alcoholism until bi-polar became the new diagnosis. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and it sounds like that is what he is going thru (mind and mood altering; up/down, on/off, passive/aggressive, rational/insane. Alcohol is a switch flipper and one of the good things I learned in recovery what when to know and understand which person was in the atmosphere with me...my wife or my alcoholic/addict which helped me to temper my expectations of the situation and her and myself. So go do some reading and then come back and let us know what you have found out and decided. Research also includes looking in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and calling to find out where and when we get together in your area. Chances are really good that there is a chair there waiting for you. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
