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I wish I could get a physical giant hug from everyone here. Lord knows I need 1. I have not posted on here in ages! I since have managed to disentangle myself from the throws of feeling helpless and yet controlling and accomplish some things emotionally with myself & this disease- And let go of riding his case and expecting anything. What a process!! I didn't accomplish much at work, or make friends, but in terms of my mental issues with him, anxiety, fears of losing him, I have come a long way so I guess I have to throw myself some credit and say I did something. It just does not amount to things I like to give credit to. Its not a job, or making friends, so I want to downplay that.
Friday my boyfriend was so drunk from drinking at a work meeting, He peed in his underwear standing in the living room and didn't realize it. When I said something he was mortified and moved to the floor to sit and put his clothes and shoes on and go to his apt b/c he wanted to disappear from embarrassment. He fell over, passed out on the floor, and vomited all over my place that night. I left him there and went to bed. He woke up panicked, and frightened at what potential damage it may have done to us, and before I could even come out of the deep sleep I was in he was telling me that he loved me and realized " a few things. "
what is it ? Thursday? He told me he has to go over the options, and he has a problem, and needs to see what to do about it, that snowballed into 4 hours later: Its harder to stop than you think and I am not ready. I know I have a problem err.. actually.. it seems to be a bigger problem to everyone else than it is to me. All OVER the globe on this one.
I just hit that crisis bottom last night and I have done so much work to be able to get to this point! It doesn't just happen like this for us on our side overnight. I have after work and time realized that now I need to shake something up and change something in my life to make this better for me! I am so unhappy, not able to make friends, accomplish things at work, and improve in other areas other than how I handle alcoholism. AND I WANT TO. All I can think about is me and the longer I stay in this city, where he is, and try to come out of this hell with him here I can't. We can't break up, stay apart, and I cannot escape this disease anymore than he can while I am here or start to make any real changes in my inner health and mental well being. I decided I need to just pick up and leave here high and dry. Go home to see my parents, where I am always safe and welcome, and freaking start to form SOME SORT OF DAILY ROUTINE and habit for myself, a life, that is going to be anything but this!!!! I want to go there, do what I feel is right, and start over. THen come back here. And try to actually do something good with myself. I want to escape this man, this place, and I can't tell him or see him b/c it will just make it harder, or I will get sucked back in. I can think of no better time to do this than after this nightmare fri where he is now left with his muck. to face himself.
I realize this time all I can think about is how this will change my life and am wondering if this is what I have been reading about when it comes to : do it for YOU. I can't even care or think about him, I just want to get away from this, My brain isn't able to focus on much else and I really wanted to reach out here for support and if anyone else has been feeling this way or experienced this feeling to just flee like you are running for your life. please share.
xox.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 20th of March 2014 04:33:09 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I missed you and am glad that you returned The feelings of running away and disappearing are normal and part of living with this dreadful disease. Meetings a sponsor, Steps ,dailyAlAnon readings enabled me to make wise choices for my life. I had to learn to act in my own best and not react to the insanity of alcoholism. Please keep coming back
Hugs Giraffe .. good to see you back and YES .. when it comes to just packing it all up and running for the hills I can completely relate. What Betty said about not reacting to the insanity of it all is HUGE. Don't know if you have some alanon lit .. one book I swear by especially since September time frame is How Alanon Works you can get it from Amazon and it costs about 5$. It is a situation of time taking time .. I didn't get here over night and I won't get better over night either. I have been learning to be gentle with myself, how to forgive myself for many different things. BIG hugs to you and I hope you can feel the prayers being sent your way. It really does get better .. it is not over night that is for sure.
Hugs S :)
PS - The first time I went to alanon (this last time) I literally was dragging in and the baggage train that came with me was very big and horribly heavy. I'm learning to unpack myself one train at a time and it is such a relief! The only bummer and blessing is this process I'm on is never ending and that is OK! Each day brings some new insight, as the fog clears I remember who I was starting to become.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This post puts into words what I have been trying to figure out for days now. Although my husband has been sober and working a recovery program since July, I feel like my life went on hold again just because his came together and my dreams are on the back burner while I again wait for him to get his sh*t straight. I have stood by him, forgiven him, supported him and been faithful to him throughout this whole separation but I am escaping. My divorce consult is set for Monday. The final nail in the coffin for me was when he refused to refi the house in his name only so that I could get myself a bigger apt. and live my dream of foster parenting. When he wouldn't do that, I suggested that we switch places. He take the small apt. I've been in and I get the house for a while so I could foster and make it a home again and he could continue to recover in peace and quiet. I would be doing something I have always wanted to do but we could stay married and I wouldn't feel like my life was a waiting game. But no!!! The only thing he wants is I come home and we foster parent together. Seriousy?! Like he's up for that job. Nope, I'm done! I still come in second place to himself - drunk or sober. I'm sorry I highjacked your post. You just got my thoughts started in writing and I can't shut up. Please look out for yourself and your life. He has a lot of work to do on himself and it sounds like he's already backtracking.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Don't apologize. It is nice to read your story! You know, I never allowed myself to go home to my parents and stay longer than a few days, because I wanted to call it running away. And I said to myself that I had work here, and responsibilities and to go home for a long time is lazy!. But you know what the truth is? I wasn't working and managing responsibilities anyway because my life was in such shambles from living in the shadow of this man and being in the same city and having him infiltrate my life with this muck. But I kept lying to myself, making " resolutions " having fifty "fresh starts" and "plans" to turn my life around- all the while with him vomiting in my kitchen or creating chaos and pandemonium in my life 24 hours a day. At one point this week I came down with a 101 fever from just being broken down. It was like being a hamster on a wheel going nowhere, spinning, telling myself I am getting somewhere with this and my life is getting better. What a total lie! I learned how to deal with alcoholism thank you Al anon !!.. but I never created much else for myself and I have goals and dreams I have not completed, I wanted to form lasting friendships and go on trips with other people here, in 2-3 years none of those things ever happened! I just watched as others did them, and I felt frozen in this muck constantly telling myself I am gonna get free and its " happening! "
I did not want to face that this relationship is so toxic that it may be necessary to literally remove myself from this apartment and city for some time. I wanted to patch it up here and not miss a beat- be able to become a blossoming successful individual as i imagined in my head, and section him off on the side with his alcoholism. But it frankly is hard to do that with all the chaos and abuse going on from him on a daily basis. Now I am humbled to admit that I really just want and need to go back to the beginning... and I truly want to start over and become strong again. Rid myself of this man, this curse, this disease, this life. I can return back here and this city will still be hopping with excitement and opportunities, and I can actually with a better mind begin to do the things I have been wanting to do for so long.
Everyone has to find their own way, and I have seen people rebuild their life in ways I wish I could have. And I tried. It didn't work and I know in my gut that my higher power is telling me this is the way I am going to be able to do that and I finally, just like the Alcoholic, crumbled and asked for help- So I am going to start here. I am of course scared a little b/c I don't know what is going to happen but I am going to post when I feel that way, and come here, and just see if going home and trying to form something for myself is going to help. I have to try something!!
It is nice to see familiar faces in this post. I missed you guys too!!
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Oh Giraffe, you have a long neck so we can all hug you at the same time!!!! (((Giraffe)))
Me and kids just went away for a weekend and it was SO GREAT!!
The running away thing----I can relate but I call it running towards----matter of fact I have an RV sitting outside in the driveway and I day dream of just packing it with all my most important things---(with limited space you would be surprised at what is really important) and going on adventure.
The unknown is a scary place to head into but if you just turn your thinking around it ---- different can make all the difference. (see my favorite poem below)
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
haha, thanks Jillybean1. Your dr. suess quote is funny :) . it is running towards. that is what it feels like. I realized I am not even sure what I have to lose?!
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
((Giraffe)) Grateful for your post and welcome back! Big Alanon hug!!! When I feel as you are feeling, I am able to cope much better when I reach out to Alanon and step up my program. I relate to so many things you've said and please know that you're not alone. Time to climb out of the whole and let the sun shine on your face and be true to yourself.
When you mention, "I have after work and time realized that now I need to shake something up and change something in my life to make this better for me! I am so unhappy, not able to make friends, accomplish things at work, and improve in other areas other than how I handle alcoholism." First, you took a step by posting- keep going with this momentum. Secondly, an interesting perception regarding alcoholism- now, if someone were to ask me to "handle" alcoholism, I'd literally have an instinct to hide my hands as I backed away. It is not something that I could handle alone- and, Alanon helps me focus on how I handle myself.
Sending prayers for courage, wisdom, and serenity.
Aloha G and welcome back (((((HUGS))))) this wakes up my memories of being there and doing that and do that that way myself until I really was done and reached the doors of Al-Anon not trusting my thinking and behaviors any longer. I was insane because no matter how much I "thought" of life being different I wasn't doing anything different and I was done...really done. I was suicidal with fear of moving in any direction because I knew I would get it wrong again. I went into Al-Anon quiet and sat down and listened and then I heard the very first promise of the program which came true for me. It is etched on my spirit..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help". I also learned how to trust explicitly as I came to realize that the fellowship in the rooms actually had was I wanted to have and didn't arrive at by doing what I was doing. I learned how to reach out to complete strangers and say the words I had never said before, "Could you Please Help me"? I never got turned down ever and never get turned down on MIP either. The Serenity Prayer became so very very important in motivation for me...The words Serenity (quietness of spirit, mind, emotions, body all at the same time) and then Courage (fear that has said its prayers) to change not only the idea or intention. I understand in pictures. I listen metaphorically and my metaphor for the disease is very much like handling a octopus. Eight legs and a crushing beak and while I try to keep the beak from biting my body I keep brushing legs off over and over. I get two off and many more grab a hold of me; eight of them. Most often the best way to handle one is not to go after one with the expectation of an easy catch. Its okay to do your life for you. Not only is it okay, its your responsibility and however it comes out should be your goal.
Good to have you back. Leave or stay...keep coming back here and to your meetings. Follow all of the program suggestions...all of them...meetings, literature, steps, traditions, sponsor, prayers, meditations, service, Higher Power, practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs)))))
"I was insane because no matter how much I "thought" of life being different I wasn't doing anything different and I was done...really done. "
Jerry, this really sums up what I am feeling and have been living the last 2 years!! I finally faced that and know that as long as I am here, this is what is going to happen and so I am following my heart to leave here and try to put my life back together away from this mayhem and chaos. This stuff is hard, on a minute basis, not daily. I feel extremely sad, and just like destruction swept through and took everything. And now its just debris everywhere and quiet. I just am trying to keep my mind disciplined in thinking that I must go through these steps to make things better. It is going to feel this way, and that is ok. and it will get better.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I agree with you. In taking my steps forward, I'm scared and sad but also hopeful at the same time. It comes in waves for me. Will be watching for your updates. Stay in touch.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Giraffe, thanks for your honesty, I think its always a good sign in our recovery when we can truly open up, its the secrets and shame that keep us in the mess. I am sorry you are going through this. Your description of your boyfriend is a hard one, that for me is where compassion comes in and thank God I don't have this disease. Its a sad picture that we all know about.
I understand that feeling of needing to get away from him, I honestly wished my ex would die, not a horrible death, just pass away because I felt so trapped and helpless. I was always plotting to leave, I had a new plan every week even though I stayed almost 20 years, but eventually I just up and left and I knew it was over. I had to reach my own bottom though before seeking recovery and moving on. It sounds like you have a good plan, going to your parents taking some time out with healthy people. I hope it all works out for you.x
Thank you el-cee. That sounds like where I am at. I have been finishing some work here this week and I leave tomorrow. It was a rough week being here, us not talking, no real end, kind of a mess, but for me personally I am doing positive affirmation exercises in the morning, al anon phone meetings, Prayers to God to hand this over to him, and working on some meditation so I can rely more on my inner compass. I know somehow even thought this hurts, and I don't know what will happen to me, us, or him, that I AM in fact suppose to be right where I am right now making these moves for myself at least. I am finally moving... In some direction and it feels right! Helped letting go of the fears I had that we're keeping me from making these internal changes. This was really were over-due.
And I realized that I don't need to worry about HOW this will play out, or having answers to "US" in the bigger picture. Life is not revealed in large amounts like that, we just have to take one step at a time sometimes towArds changes one day at a time and make the decisions we know are scAry but good for us, and see how things play out. The bigger picture reveals over time. And me worrying about what will happen to us or him is just more trying to control the future - I'm tired right now of doing that need to keep up this routine I am starting to form....I want to keep going on this path bc the little things I have been mentally doing are making huge differences in my feelings.
When I feel sad, I just remind myself that this won't change unless he hits the place where HE wants to change his life, no one can make him realize that. And then I feel better. I also remind myself of all the heartache I went through and how badly something just had to change, eventually. Change happens so better things can fall into place.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
