update "leaving" - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

update "leaving"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the honest update TOC. It sounds as if you have done a honest 4th Step on the subject and i salute you.
Daily Readings, Meetings, the Steps, slogans and posting here will help you to use the tools to move forward and make choices that are healthy for you. Keep coming back

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Most of us have experienced the shame and humiliation you are feeling now. I still have remnants of it, at times. I feel weak and have the shoula coulda wouldas rumbling in my head. You have openly acknowledged your feelings, you are accepting them and you are taking action. All positive moves. Exploring counseling with an addiction counselor is imperative, as without that expertise you will feel frustrated. It could be very helpful for you to say things in front of your husband, not for his sake but for yours. This opportunity will also give you valuable insights into you. It takes strength to leave or stay in an alcoholic marriage, and counseling coupled with al anon, you can gain the strength to decide, when you are ready, to make a choice from am empowered place. I see many positives that came out of this experience...now there is movement. A big hug.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You sound so overwhelmed, exhausted. Try not to worry about what happened at work. Nobody has a perfect life ocean, many people just try to lead others to believe they do. It's all smoke and mirrors. They've got their stuff too. You don't really owe anyone there any further information or an explanation just an expression of gratitude for caring about you. I've been bringing one of my readers to my job. It's helped a bit. What I would add to what hotrod and pp have shared is to try to reach out to your sponsor more than ever for support now and continue daily meditation with hp. We can always pray for guidance concerning HOW honesty, openness and willingness. How that translates for you in your own life and marriage will become clearer each day with practice. The answers come when our loving hp knows we're ready to receive them. All any of us can do is keep moving forward one day at a time with hp leading. (((ocean)))) :) TT

Muffindog72 · Member

You touched on a lot of different topics here. It is so much to digest at once! Just try to let it go for a while. One thing that stood out to me is that you think you are addicted to the chaos. I think I know what you mean because I too think I am. The chaos is normal right now, it is safe, you feel safe somehow because you expect the unexpected. Me too. You just have to try to make a 'new normal'. That's what I am working on too. It probably seems like so much right now to digest. No major decisions have to be made right away. I feel for you, but I am right there with you. Hang in there. :)

Mari1978 · Senior Member

What an incredibly beautiful share.
Please be gentle on yourself.
Sending much love and support your way!
M

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the open honest and beautiful share from your heart. I have been there and worrying about what anyone else thinks is a big waste of time, if we were perfect or had it altogether we would have never found al-anon to begin with. I am not here to judge you and am glad you got things out in the open with your A. Work your program and keep on keeping on! Sending you love and support!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your honesty - so much resonated with me and I recognise similar patterns in my life.
My AH and I tried counselling and we made the mistake of going to a relationship counsellor who was not trained in alcohol counselling. The result felt like torture and was not helpful since AH was still drinking at the time. So I agree with PP, it would be worth finding someone who has training and understands all our strange behaviour!
I tell myself that I have the option of leaving in my own time and by keeping the focus on myself I can recognise when I need a break. Meditation helps me to control the whirling thoughts that can run wild in my head if I let them.
Be gentle with yourself.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that you don't have to compile the list of counselors he's just as able to do that as you are. If he wants to demonstrate his willingness, maybe that would be one way he could get involved. Of course going to AA is also an excellent demontration of willingness.

My A and I went to four counselors over the years. We made the mistake of not getting someone who was familiar with alcoholism. So my A would say, "I'm not drinking, she's just paranoid" and the counselor would believe him; or my A would say, "Okay, I'll stop drinking, no problem" and the counselor would say "Okay, that's solved, now what else shall we talk about?" They had no idea how powerful alcoholism is, and we spent a lot of time not getting anywhere. It was frustrating and disheartening for me.

I've since talked to a counselor who is aware of alcoholism issues, and she said that her policy is never to take on an alcoholic unless he is also actively working AA or another formal recovery program. She said otherwise the alcoholic is not capable of making any changes stick. That was certainly my experience.

Take good care of yourself as you go forward.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ocean, to me, your post sounds filled with acceptance, awareness, lots of awareness. To be honest with yourself and see what you see is progress, thats all we are working on really, the truth. I understand everything you have spoken about, that addiction to the drama and then the calm. It can take time to take the right action for us, it can take stop starts and each crisis we get closer to making the changes, whatever they may be, staying or going, its the changes that matter. Stepping out into the light and not shying away from the truth is a huge part of that. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were courageous and you set a boundary, you also showed yourself that you can walk out that door if you need to. Embrace your program, work the steps, work with a sponsor, changes come from you, not him remember.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Good awareness! I see your strength and courage in your post as you are determining what is right for you.

It took me so long to get to awareness, and when the fog lifted I saw distortion. Ack! From there it was a lot of practice and courage to do the next right thing. So, now I know this about me and would not volunteer to build Rome in a day!

Please be gentle with you with the process.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Ocean, I am right there with you in many ways. I have chosen to stay, I tried to acquiesce and go to marriage counseling(a disaster for us because he was still drinking), I tried to fit that square peg into that round hole, and quite frankly I think I'm still doing it. Take a deep breath, no one here is judging your decision to stay or to go. We can only see a snippet of your life from what you posted on here and there are so many variables for all of us. Turn it over to your HP, pray and ask for guidance, and know that the answers will come in time. As the program says: One Day at a Time! HUGS!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey some of us move out five times and go back before we stay out forever! I liken it to learning to swim, we go out as far as we can, then we go out a little further each time till we are ready to swim away!!!

I can tell you from my own experience and of many,many here, marriage counseling will probably not do any good. The reason? The primary obstacle is his alcoholism.

In fact it can back fire on you as his disease will glean all that ammunition you will share. Remember his brain is NOT working, since he is drinking!!It is sloshed with alcohol and damage. Plus so is his whole body. We cannot make a broken leg walk!

Most rehab places won't want to talk to you. To them it is a waste of time. They know that the A has to be the one doing the calling as that means they are looking for themselves. They have to do it on their own as their recovery has to be on their own energy./power.

,Al Anon teaches us to stop looking at their behavior, their disease. We work on ourselves. We learn thru al anon that nothing we do can help them, nothing except allowing them the dignity to be who they are.

I know you are grasping at straws, believe me. I invite you to focus on Al Anon, take care of you, concentrate on you. Maybe find a counselor to help who lives an al anon program, or find a good sponsor. For you to work onyou to feel better, you can more easily accept him as is .there won't be so much conflict becuz you will have tools to help you.

did you read getting them sober volume one? if you need me to, I would be happy to send you one. seriously. I would consider it a humble blessing

See al anon taught me to lighten up. taught me to not always have my life or our life so dark and serious. sadly my guy had a brain surgery so things got very dangerous or I would have loved to cont. to live with him drunk or not. believe me he was not always a nice drunk either. but i learned to do things I liked, and learned how to respond to his insanity by not giving it any energy and setting up ways to get away from it and do somethingelse.

sorry I am not feeling super well. ugh.

anyway I Have faith in you. You may have to go ahead and try some things before you realize Al anon really has the answers you need! love!!

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

debilyn. . your words just might help me rest my weary brain tonight. i have been tearing myself up all day. . obssessing about what i have or havent done, what i do or dont think. . you name it i worry about it. im even niw worrying about what myvtherapist and sponsor think of me . i was packing my bags monday and now wed i lay here in my bed alone in comfort and quiet and im feeling crazed due to the range of feelings and thoughts im having. the anx med i have is just not enough augh.. my obssessuve thinking is a bit like my ah and his drinking.
i have read and reread the book you mentioned. i just started codependent no.more . . im overwhelmed with "oh no, thats me" feelings.
i take life WAYYYYY seriously. . im the uptight one. im not sure the last time i just surrendered to pure joy and laughter. it feels so out of control to me. oh how sad.
i thank you for this post tonight . . i needed it to help my get a bit out of my head. my dear sweet child is in bed. my husb called, i know where he is at least. the house is quiet, my bed is warm. . those things shall comfort me in this moment. (see i can sound sane!!!!).thanks for having faith in me

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ocean, there is a very real love we have for each other here. We are here to catch each other.

Myself I am working on,"this is my life now." I am learning to throw away pain, and thinking about just what you did. I have a home today, I have my animals.I am old now, that is ok. I had a good life, I had loving family.

In all that dark, we forget it is very ok to be happy and not get engaged in that pain our A has. It is theirs and theirs alone.

When my brain goes crazy, I say stop, then I see wild purple irises. Now I don't even say stop, my brain just goes to irises. But also I just honestly do not worry. I may be concerned, but don't waste myself on worry. It is all my HP. I honestly trust HP with my life.

All the pain, loss, hard things to face have made me a better person. I am rarely afraid now.

I mean it, I see you progressing, you sure are not standing still. I hope you will just concentrate on you, helping that you that deserves every bit of time to make herself feel better. Believe me, we do not have to get into their drama, we can say no and say you know, your disease is your own. I love you, I know you can take care of you.

Then keep working on you, and I promise you will feel better, and learn to feel compassion for your A, but at the same time,not allowing this horrible disease suck the life out of you.

I look at it as he is in a pit, he can only get himself out when he can. But the disease will try to pull us in. Believe me he does not want that.

hugs!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 20th of March 2014 01:35:44 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I went through some of the same things you are describing, TOC, but only inside my head and my heart. I didn't tell anyone what I was thinking or feeling until I made the decision to separate from my A. Back then, separation and divorce was taboo. So, I processed everything alone. By the time I knew what I needed to do, I was firm in it - so there was nothing anyone could say that would have made a difference. Whatever you decide to do when you do it consciously and with prayers for guidance from your HP, you will feel empowered because you will know that you have gravely weighed the pros and cons of a decision that only you can make and have taken a step that you know wasn't a rash move on your part. Prayers for guidance and for courage and strength in doing the next right thing for you, TOC.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.