seriously thinking of leaving - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

seriously thinking of leaving

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

TOC if you in anyway don't feel safe for you and your daughter, is there anyplace you could stay just for a night? A hotel, friends house, or a shelter? Prayers and hugs for the both of you...

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

yes. i just worry it will make things worse? is that posible?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear the oceancalls If your hubby is in any way violent it would be best to follow through on staying somewhere else.

Does your employer have an" Employee Assistant Plan?" This might be a place you can go to discuss your options It is confidential and a great asset provided by many employers and is called an EAP program

Please take care of you and your daughter at this difficult time.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

I think that your best advice could come from yourself. If you read your post as if it were written by a dear friend, what would you say? Say a prayer to your HP and read it again.... The only ESH I could share with you is that a lot of times in my own experience, that bit of doubt or hesitation about going home has been for a reason. Keep you and your daughter safe, there is no possession more important than your safety.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Holding you all in prayer...

Chinook Daddy · Member

Trying to communicate with a user of any substance that has a broken brain (addiction regardless if liquid, pill or other form) is just crazy on our part. They do not see or interpret any feelings that are normal and are happy with their life and circumstance. We are the ones who are living in hell. Your safety is paramount and a boundary there has to be set in stone where the consequence if you are harmed or your child is incarceration and then your stepping out of his life. Ihave had to set that boundary with my wife 4 years ago and she has not crossed it (violence) since then. Prayers and thoughts your way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sure you know your daughter is not OK. Even as adults we are not ok when we go thru this kind of bolony. You know what you need to do, you said it yourself. Many people start packing thing up slowly and taking them to a friends house or storage etc. if you have things precious to you, I would be getting them out of there.

they have compromised brains, may tear up pictures, anything that disease believes may hurt you.

can it get worse? omgosh yes. If they go so far they will go further. Who knows if he will get worse or be so freaked, be super nice. Does it matter? Do you realize anymore this is NOT normal. We really can provide a happy, warm, calm, home for our kids and animals.

Your daughter and you may start jumping at every noice etc.Kids feel it all more then we do, they need to be kept safe and it is our responsibility.

one day at a time. I also invite you to use your alanon tools., You know now there is no talking with him, the disease does not care. So remember do not respond when the disease invites you to fight back, its just a disease talking, just like if someone had a fever. If they get nasty leave.

We always advize having needs, like meds,money extra car keys, phone numbers of places to go.daughter needs to have a bag of needs too. keep it at a neighbors or somewhere he would not look. i am serious. I had to get out fast before and thank goodness I had an extra car key and money. He threw my phone and broke it AND antques from my great grama.

if you have animals have carrier ready and leash. I would never leave animals.

Al anon stresses to always take care of yourself. The A is an adult, he can figure it out.

Myself the women who started packing and storing things did the best when they regrouped. But what is important is to take one day at a time todo what you can and have to then rest. You will need lotsa naps and rest...

Please keep coming. debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I waited until he was gone all day and packed up everything I needed and left so that when he came home it was done. I knew it would get ugly trying to do it with him around and had seen enough of him angry for a life time. Be safe take care of you and your daughter. Sending you much love and support!

cmb · Member

deep breaths, one step at a time, "courage to change"

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ocean, in scotland, the police can accompany you to your home to pack what you need, im guessing they would help anywhere really. Keep your daughter and yourself safe, everything else can be replaced eventually. I left with bin bags and had to gradually get things I wanted. I had nothing, no furniture for about 2 yrs. Its actually a liberating and freeing experience, keep your chin up, you can do this and soon you will be feeling so much better.x

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

update. i went to.therapy. she too stressed my safety. ah and i spoke on phone fir an hour. he wants to.go to marr cnslg. . i said ball in his court to arrange and if he is willung to address the addiction isdues and deep pain. will see. im safe tonight.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you, one day at a time, your safe, your wee girls okay, you take it easy, relax and let it go for tonight.x

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

thank you el-cee. for being there and not judging. now to face the folks at work.i fell apart to earlier today.hmmmm

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Falling apart is the starting place for many. I had to completely give up, fall apart to admit that I needed help, get into your program while your mind is open with surrender.x

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

can i ask what your relationships are like now. im scared. of my shadow it seems. and thanks for the whiteboard message. i wasnt able to respond.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I found when I fell apart, many were more than willing to offer me their gifts of love and compassion. We are here to help hold you up while you get stronger.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I know whenever I see your name that it is The Ocean Calls and yet I can only seem to write Theo - perhaps because it is a reference to the help that is waiting to guide you?

I can understand your fear and I think you are afraid of the unknown but not the known. Perhaps you could turn that around for yourself? Be afraid of the known - you already have experienced what that is about and it is destroying him, you and now your daughter is experiencing trouble. As much as I'd like to say "oh, good, he wants to go to marriage counseling." I can't. In all honesty, I can't. The underlying problem is not marital conflict. It is alcoholism. I'm not saying that divorce is the answer, but I don't think marriage counseling is either. It is a crumb tossed out but it is not an admission that he has a problem with alcohol.

I'm concerned for you. I'm concerned for your daughter. My biggest concern is that this promise of attending marriage counseling and your wanting to let him handle all the details is putting your future into the disease's hands some more. Talk is exactly what the disease does while it watches what we'll do. It looks to me like you relaxed because his words might have given you a little hope, Theo? I could be wrong about what I'm seeing in what you've written and I'm willing to risk making that error by being open and honest with you about what I'm seeing.

I do hope that you will continue to search out your own options and create your own plan with your HP's help whether or not an appointment with a marriage counselor is set up. If they aren't skilled or knowledgeable about alcoholism or drug addiction and how it affects people and families, that therapist can end up enabling his disease and telling you that only you need help.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of March 2014 09:55:52 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of March 2014 09:56:48 PM

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