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I have posted quite a lot over the last few days...I am certainly at a crossroads.
I am considering moving out...going to see the place tomorrow, and ought to take it or I will be waiting for another to open up.
My AH has been through rehab. I had left him shortly before that for the first time (only time) in June 2013. He began drinking soon after rehab and lied to me about it so that I would move back home. We have been married 13 years, most of which involved him being verbally abusive and degrading. Presently he refrains from the verbal abuse. He is quite codependent, and jealous for that matter. Frankly I am a bit of an "old lady", preferring to crochet over going out, yet he still overreacted with interrogations when I decided to go on an ALL WOMENS CHURCH retreat. (which by the way is the first time in my adult life that I have done anything for myself, except for a few shopping trips close by just a handful of times with family or close friends..yeah, in 13 years. Well, I take that back because when I left him for a few months I took a real-estate class (93%), I went on historical tours, drove 8 hours to see my parents, went to my first baseball game in my while life (I'm 39). After a few months I even got up the nerve to feel comfortable going out to eat with a new group of people...even though I didn't have the guts to actually order anything. I am slowly gaining my SELF back.
He is drinking heavily again. Frankly I don't want to be around him when he is drinking. I don't like seeing him that way. So for the most part I avoid him. I have been thinking so much about this. For example, if I had to do this all over, would I? 90% No. Do I want to stay in a relationship where were are completely on opposite pages? 95% NO. For example. I am a HUGE believer in just about every single word in step one. He can barely say the first half of step one, and when we get to "My life has become unmanageable" he sort of laughs it off because what is the difference now..his life has ALWAYS been unmanageable. As though it were the breaks of the game. Like Well, I've always been short.
My gut instinct is to move out and continue that anxiety free life I had when I moved out the first time. But then I hear this voice (really his voice) BUT I HAVE A DISEASE...then I can't help but feel that if he is not willing to make sacrifices to improve his life, then I am not willing to sacrifice my life. I have spent a good amount of time being brainwashed by this master codependent manipulator to think that the sky is RED. I am not sure if I care if he is ready or not! Make some DAMN effort! He doesn't even work (we have numerous businesses that he lets other people run), he has all day to do anything he wants. lol I am sure that is a LOT of A's. He had gone off for a week of drinking and gambling and drugging (unplanned, phone off etc) so I told him that I was leaving UNLESS..90 meetings 90 days, no lying, sobriety. Well he could at least have done a meeting. He seemed somewhat grateful that I didn't leave but it didn't really last very long.
I am kinda tired of always having my guard up. I am tired of talking myself out of participating in his mind games. I don't think it is worth it anymore. I am tired of arguing with him, when I can tell that his side of the argument isn't even real or truthful. For example I got upset with him because he was deceiving. this is ONE moment after he point blank lies to me about a drug dealer not being in the house. So he questions me as though I am completely off base, that I am his first priority. OKAY..so were we living in the same dimension just then or what? Then I am frustrated with myself that I wasted my time and energy even speaking to him. I suppose this is typical. And I ought to know better by now.
So if this is what life is like, where is our relationship? I avoid him, When we are together he resents me cause he is the victim, or he just flat out lies and deceives me. What a way to build a relationship.
Do I love him....Somewhere inside I do...yet, I often wonder if there is any love left after what I have been through. I also wonder if the love I had/have for him is just this love of a fantasy that I am clinging on to.
Thanks for letting me share. I am trying to get this all thought out so I will have a clear mind tomorrow. I REALLY REALLY don't want any guilt. (how ridiculous)
Yes he does have a disease, but he apparently is not dis-eased to do something about it. Perhaps you leaving again will dis-ease him enough to motivate him to actually try recovery. Or perhaps it won't. Either way you are taking care of yourself. Ita a shame he can't take care of you, isn't even taking care of himself, but you are now the one who has to step up and take care of you. I wish you well in your efforts!!
Trust your gut. Only you know what is best for your life but my gut is never wrong. Have I always listened to what it said? Sadly, no; but I do these days.
I admire your resilience and commitment to listen to your inner voice. I often think that if I leave my AH, then maybe he will hit his bottom and start healing on his own. I sometimes think that my presence(and my son's) makes AH's life too comfortable. Please let us know how things are going. Sending positive thoughts your way! HUGS!
Good for you for at least looking at another potential place to live. You will know if it is or isn't the right place, for now. Post after you see it to give yourself an outlet for your emotions and then take the next best step. I have found that it best, when I am at a crossroads, to share with only a few trusted friends. I don't want to be swayed either way in my decisions/choices. Really only you and your HP know what is best for you. Easy does it...
So, when I went to my Coda Meeting yesterday, my sponsor asked me if I had prayed about it. And for some dumb reason I had neglected to get God's input in this. So late late last night I couldn't sleep so I decided to go ahead and pray for direction, peace, etc, etc. Well 10 minutes later my husband got out of bed and in a (I believe genuine) swirl of apologies and you are so much better than me I feel so guilty for doing this to you, you are my angel, you deserve better than this, you deserve to stay in the house, I will find a place to live, not you. I understand why you want to move out I don't blame you but give me one (ONE) last chance, ONE week. I am committed to this or I will die. I will quit Monday, I will go to the doctor. Please I want us to go to marriage counseling, not later - Like THIS week! I want us to understand each other. you are the love of my life, and so on. I truly believe it was heart felt, and I truly believe that he meant it. That being said, I pray that he is able to live up to those promises.
At first I did not agree to stay, I said I would think about it. explained that his promises are meaningless and that after the one beer I cannot count on him and I need my life back. I made him understand that Divorce is/was/is days away. I explained that I have already put up with too much. That it needs to end. (one way or the other). I was actually quite serious about it. No ultimatum. Just me stating what I want, how I want to feel, etc. And YES that means you stop drinking. and YES it means that you start TRYING to open yourself up to healing. This morning I feel quite a peace about staying. I even had a heartfelt conversation with another woman I had just met who recently went through a divorce, and even after hearing her story of letting her HP guide her into leaving..I still felt peace with this decision to stay. I believe that either things are going to change, or that God is giving me another lesson to learn. I know everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.
When I got home from church he considered getting one last bit of beer since he is quitting Monday. (I tought oh, my, not a good sign). But he changed his mind and is going to take is librium tonight. Go figure.
He wants to and needs to quit or else he will die, and he knows that. Me being happy in MY marriage is priority number 1. He can either get on board and work on things together, or NOT. If he is not ready, then that is fine too. I will still move out. I have not burned any bridges. I want my life back. Hopefully he can turn his around to be the beautiful person he is inside, and free himself from his pain and begin to heal.
Thank all of you for your positive and loving thoughts. May I be so bold as to ask for continued prayers for us and his recovery?
((((Susie)))) Mahalo for the "process" or "progress" report. That report is more proof that "the" program rather than "my" program works when I work it I don't for me think you need to be bold to get more prayers from the MIP family. I am quite sure that praying for each other is one of our habits and is one reason why I keep coming back. Again...Mahalo for this ESH. ((((hugs))))
Susie, you are getting stronger and he can feel it, I hope he can do this but if not at least you have decided that you want a life and you know how to get it.x
Good for you for at least looking at another potential place to live. You will know if it is or isn't the right place, for now. Post after you see it to give yourself an outlet for your emotions and then take the next best step. I have found that it best, when I am at a crossroads, to share with only a few trusted friends. I don't want to be swayed either way in my decisions/choices. Really only you and your HP know what is best for you. Easy does it...
I agree with Paula...i do the same thing....share w/ a few trusted friends...pray...follow my gut.....and easy does it.....in support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
