What part of the program has to do with family? - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: What part of the program has to do with family?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

"Some alcoholics actually use family values to keep family member hostage to unacceptable behaviors. For example, they may be quick to point out a wife's traditional family roles while installing shame and guilt and ignoring their own failures and inadequacies as a husband, father"

I think that is what I am seeing in the groups here and why they actually seem to be getting more dysfunctional.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Really I don't know the solution. It seems that one group has turned into a "dating service" and I am having an internal conflict actually recommending new members going there. I am sorry El-cee if I triggered something. I also know I am suppose to place principles above personalities. It really does feel yucky to watch it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ive learned that when we take other peoples inventories we are actually in denial of some issues within ourselves. Its an inner program. What is your story truth? Maybe you could share your story and you may get the feed back or suggestions that are helpful.x

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

K well I entered Alanon before my ex entered AA. When I first enterd the program, I really enjoyed it we were in a different city. The Alanon and AA groups in that area were really close and supportive. I have a religious background but really what Pink listed above were/are my personal values so the Al-anon program did not seem like a stretch. I also kind of found emotionally detaching easy. I was always active in my own activities. My ex was practicing his program.

We (me and my ex) moved to a different city and joined a new group. For the first two years, it seemed okay (different but okay). However, I noticed a lot more family angst between the two groups. The Alanon group and the AA group was very seperate. They don't seem to interact as much as my old group. Long story short, pretty much all the families I know that had a member in the AA group (wife or husband) and the Al-anon group went through a divorce because the members in the AA groups are having affairs with each other. Mine included. The relationship ended.

Here is my problem, I have a new family that has come looking for help. I am actually scared to send the AA member to AA. I know that sounds crazy.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Not that I am sending ...I mean I am actually scared of recommending it because it feels so dysfunctional.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

It just does not feel like a recovery program any longer.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Carrying on affairs in AA is a sign of having a crappy program most the time. I think you stumbled on a deviant group. Granted, AA can't save many marriages but the principles would have a person separate and handle their mess before starting new relationships. That's my take. Sorry you had that experience truth.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Really I would like some help because maybe Pink is right. Maybe it is time for me to leave Alanon.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

That is what I believe as well and I feel like I am sending this young family into a deviant group. I am really sad.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Groups are all autonomous truth. Are the only 1 or 2 in your area? I wouldn't leave but find better meetings maybe?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Give them options though. Celebrate recovery and rational recovery are also reputable.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Groups are all autonomous truth. Are the only 1 or 2 in your area? I wouldn't leave but find better meetings maybe?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Pink. Yes there are only one or two groups with pretty much the same people. I feel out of line with my integrity that is all. I think I know what I will do.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im sorry it worked out that way for you, the group doesnt sound like it is working the programme because to me its made me a better person, more caring, kinder more compassionate. Aa affairs sound like a recipe for disaster. Thanks for sharing.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

When it comes to Family Values.....alcohol will throw it right out the window. With any addiction life is tragic for most and loss is great. We are here to only take care of ourselves so we can make good decisions for us. Divorce is high......hello....I'm sure it is. We can only take care of us and pray for others that they will find their way though this terrible disease the best way we can. Open mind and learning about ourselves will give us sanity in this insane life we live in.

I have my faith that I will have a happy outcome. Without faith I have nothing.

I let go Let God with understanding and kindness

Keep coming back because you are not alone...

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

My own opinion here... I joined Alanon 31 years ago. The rule of thumb was- 10% of wives left their alcoholic husbands and 10% of husbands stayed with their alcoholic wives.

Oh my giddy aunt- how times have changed! Lots of people don't get married any more- it isn't just within the 12 step movement!

If something happened to me personally- well yeah any break-up is a horror story!

David

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth,
Trust your gut. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, well you know the rest.... It's a duck!!!

You have been hurt by that AA group and its' disfunction. Stay true to your values. Take care of yourself. When you are dealing with alcoholism, you are also dealing with mental illness. How fully they recover is up to them. Keep going to your own AlAnon meetings and make sure that they don't get hijacked and become untrue to the AlAnon values. We really do help the remnants of the families that are left over after alcoholism hits them.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone I think I was making myself sick because I have not expressed my concerns. Normally, I feel okay and can let go. I kind of feel stuck because I "don't want to take inventory" but I don't really want to dismiss what I am seeing. Thank you for listening.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

my experience.

I would like to try to share about this question,hopefully this last week in March. hugs,deb

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Well my HP must have really wanted to give me the answer because whoever posted the traditions is what I would consider the values of the program.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.