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My stepson now lives with us full-time because his mom has been consumed by her alcoholism. He is 9. He isn't much for talking about his emotions...I know he misses his mom, but he also seems happy/well-adjusted and glad to be in our house with us. We have talked to him about the idea of therapy, but he really doesn't want to go. When we try to talk about his mom at all, he just completely clams up. He's doing well in school, no anger issues, doesn't seem to be horribly sad/withdrawn, engages with the rest of the family (his dad, me and two other kids), plays happily, reads his books, etc etc.
Right now, we're not "pushing" him at all...if he doesn't want to talk about things, we're not pushing it. He knows that she has been struggling with alcohol (and maybe drugs) and that she's unable to take care of herself or him. He knows that we want her to get help, but that we can't force her to. We've told him over and over again that this isn't his fault.
He doesn't know that we've dealt with the legal side of things and now have full legal/physical custody, but he does know that he's with us full-time for the foreseeable future. (Unless and until his mom gets sober and healthy.)
I think he knows that we are available IF he wants to talk. But he just never wants to talk about her. He does occasionally (like once a month, literally) ask when he can see his mom and we say we don't know, that we hope she gets better, that she knows she can let us know when she is able/ready to see him... He'd like some things from his mom's house, but we don't know that we can even get his things...his mom is completely not talking to us. We haven't heard from her in almost two months. Not even a text. She is allowed to have supervised visitation with him, but she has not even asked to see him. :(
He spent all his weekdays with his mom until 6 months ago when we became aware of her alcoholism--it's been a big change. I guess she'd been drinking for a while and it had been escalating for a long time before we knew about it. :(
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation with a similar-aged child? Does anyone have any input or advice for how we can help him more than we are?
We are focusing on loving him, providing a safe (physically and emotionally) home, setting clear & consistent boundaries, etc.
Aloha Tricksie welcome to the board and let your husband know MIP is available for him too. Jeeeez 9 years old in the problem of alcoholism...these are parts of my own story and we never talked about alcoholism because that was prior to or the start of AA and Al-Anon. In Al-Anon we are encouraged NOT TO give advice for reason. We share our experiences about what happened with us, what we found out and how we live now. Most of us will suggest that you find the local Al-Anon face to face groups and attend for your own benefit. Al-Anon is for the friends and families of those who's lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and outside of group conscious to alter requirement, starts for kids 12 and up yet by group conscious I have seen 10 year olds in an Alateen group. Al-Anon meetings have literature and one piece of literature is a pamphlet "What is drunk Mommy"....created for the understanding of our young victims. Go see if they have it...stay for the meeting yourself.
I have worked with young people who's lives have been seriously affected by family alcoholism and drug addiction as a behaviorist...not a psyche. I have also been where your step-son is. I could not talk about the "elephant in the livingroom" for many reasons one being fear of discrediting the impression I had of my father as the most important person in my life and another was fear that I would be wrong and punished (we're so young and powerless). Another reason was I was grief stricken and no one knew the power it had over my spirit. I'm sure you both love him unconditionally and that is important. He can see the difference between under the influence and not...let him watch it, give him time, get the information. In support. Keep coming back to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
Dear Tricksie, Welcome to MIP. The way I see it in providing your Stepson with consistent boundaries, love, understanding and compassion you are filling many of the the most important needs of a child that age.
Since the disease of alcoholism has affected his mom and you are nowh is loving guardian, it might be beneficial if you check out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. Al-Anon was founded by the wife of the founder of AA, after he became sober, because she realized that she too had been affected by the disease of alcoholism even though she never drank. Your stepson is a bit young to attend Alateen meetings at the moment however your attendance in Al-Anon would be beneficial the entire family. The principles and philosophy are universal and form constructive habits and attitude for the entire family. I was recently hospitalized and the nurses, doctors and technicians all commented on how healthy I seemed and what a positive attitude I portrayed. I wasn't doing anything special just using Al-Anon tools of living in the moment, praying and trusting HP. The lesson for me was that our attitudes are spoken and felt with more than just words.
I urge you to try the program and suggest that you check the hotline number which can be found in the white pages.
Kudos for you stepping up to help your grandson . Perhaps you could find a local Alateen meeting for him, if nothing else you can purchase literature from Al-Anon that will help . there may be an Al-Anon and Alateen meeting at the same time in your community . Alateen has its own daily reader written by teens for teens. , and at the top of this message board there is a link to on line meetings for Alateen, there are several listed on this site they are safe and sponsored by active Al-Anon members all who have been cleared by our world service office . it dosent matter where he is from he can attend any meeting , the time differences can be figured out . he will need your help to register .
My daughter is 15 and her father is a functioning alcoholic. AH left us 7 months ago and moved into a house that he is watching for some people snowbirding in Arizona. There is room for her at the house but has never asked her to stay the night or even any extended time with him. Up until two weeks ago, AH would only see daughter once a week for an hour always at his convenience. AH has been very withdrawn from the family for almost two years now. In a recent conversation with AH, he stated that myself and the kids give him anxiety. He hasn't felt comfortable spending time with my daughter because he would get anxiety attacks (just another excuse and a reason to blame us). I asked my daughter (and so have many family members) if she is okay with dad leaving. She would always reply that she was because this is about what she saw of her dad when he did live at the house. I thought she was dealing with the pending divorce just fine. However, last month my daughter got fired from her job. She did not make honor roll for the first time in her life and she is always tired. I have come to the conclusion that she is not dealing with the divorce as well as I thought. I offered her counseling and Al-teen, both she refuses to do. I too am at a loss on what to do. I'm there for her when she needs me and I pray for her a lot. I guess what I am trying to say, in my experience my daughter seemed to be coping fine on the outside. In reality she was not and was internalizing her anger and pain. I still do not know if I'm doing the right things, but I hope she will come out of this divorce as un-scarred as she can. She too does not want to talk about her dad, she knows he is a mess but does not want to admit it. She will mentions things here and there, like she calls him stinky cause he only showers maybe twice a week. It is sad. I wish I could get her into therapy, I think it would do her a lot of good. I hope this helps with your situation a little.
Sounds like you are doing a great job. I would make sure he knows that his mum loves him and wants him but shes sick and its stopping her being the mum she wants to be. Alateen may be another option. You coukd encourage him to write letters to his mum, to keep him connected. Attending alanon yourself may also help you gain understanding and in turn set a healthy good example. Good luck and keep up the good work.
