The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have had a guy friend for over 13 years and he has wanted to date me when we were both single. I have kept him at bay, because he is a good friend and I have never wanted to ruin what we have. I met him while I was with my exAH and we worked together, nothing romantic ever entered either of our minds back then. So now we are both single and have been for awhile and he asks me out on a date. I went and it was awesome, he was sweet, took me to a nice dinner and a movie and we laughed lots. I like that he already knows me pretty well and it seems to just flow. We went on a second date and it was nice, but he was in the dumps and had a terrible loss in his family around that time so I gave him some space. Third date he is easily frustrated, emotionally unavailable and just not in it, over dinner he is playing on his phone and at first I thought I should work harder to bring him into a better mood and get his attention. Then I became aware I was having a red flag and this was reminding me of being with my exAH and the people pleasing me wanted to work harder, instead of flowing and just being my new relaxed self. Hmmm, so after dinner I headed home and haven't hung out with him since that third date on valentines evening. We have talked several times and I am willing to keep him as a friend at this point, but I have detached a bit, just because he is still trying to date me. I am unsure if it is him or I, but I felt that the relationship was heading into a familiar unhealthy direction and maybe I am too skittish these days, but I like to think I have learned and grown. I do not know what the future holds, but I am not going to head back into a relationship where right away red flags start flying and I ignore them. I am taking my time and figuring things out and I love what my sponsor said, "When a man is the right guy when he shows you who he is, you will not have red flags and want to run." I am so thankful for al-anon, sending you all love and support on your journey's!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Way to go! Boy do I wish I'd heeded those red flags early on. I'd always tell myself "You're just being too picky." Too picky turned out not to be the problem! It sounds as if you have such great perspective on this -- and you've left yourself available for someone truly healthy to come along.
Good for you!! Your life is full, a relationship should add to your life not be uncomfortable. If we don't like how someone is when they are not happy, no thankyou.
When we are ok or content even if they are crabby or whatever that is very cool.
proud of you!!! If he bums out after only 3 dates...geez. there are better people out there! just like you!
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Putting HP first, always <(*@*)>
"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."
Thank you Mattie, Deb and PP! It feels good not to dive headlong into something that does not help to grow or nurture me at this point. I used to be so self sacrificing and well that did not really work out for me. I was talking with an al-anon friend today about healthy relationships and if we know how to have them, I definitely love seeing them and am working on myself so I can eventually have one. Thanks for the ESH. Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Good for you Breakingfree, your gut is never wrong! You are taking beautifully care of your needs. I also still have to learn that. Thank you for showing me the way.
I like what Debylin said. A relationship should add to our lifenot be uncomfortable!
Thanks for your share.hugs