what do you suggest when adult child takes her whole script - Al-Anon Family Group

dibsylou · Member

what do you suggest when adult child takes her whole script

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP

One question I had to begin to start asking myself was am I doing something for someone else that can do for themselves? Am I allowing myself to suffer from it?

Please keep coming back and sharing.

Please seek a face to face meeting if you can.

Please be sure to take great care of you

Sending much love and support
M

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi dibsylou, and welcome to Miracles In Progress!

I don't have any suggestions. I can see, though, from your post that you are suffering from what we in this community call insanity. This insanity is when we step back and look at ourselves and say "what have I become in response to this addiction?" and don't recognize ourselves or our behavior anymore. We all have or have had it at one point or another when we have dealt with our loved ones' addictions, in fact, until Al Anon, most of us have lived in continual insanity. There comes a time when we understand the spiral we are going down, and say "Enough, it's going go kill ME!". It sounds like you are there.

We have a twelve step program that is very much like AA. Step1 is our first acceptance, and is probably the hardest: We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable. This applies to any addictive substance or behavior in my opinion, whether drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.

Since you didn't Cause the addiction, can't Control the addiction, and won't Cure the addiction, you can now let go of the responsibility you feel towards trying to help and/or control your daughter.

We also say that "nothing changes if nothing changes". You are the only person whose behavior you can change. You can do that by going to Al Anon meetings, or Nar Anon if there is one in your area. There is also a chat room and online meetings here as well.

Peace
Kenny

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed by this confusing situation with your daughter. Addiction is a progressive, baffling and powerful disease over which we are powerless.

In order to try to regain our peace and our lives it is suggested that we connect with others who are walking the same road and who understand as few others can. Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. I urge you to reach out and attend. We also have to daily online meetings here that could be beneficial.

This program supports the idea that each person must find the solution to their lives on their own, while attending meetings and using the new constructive tools offered. You will find support and understanding at our meetings however no one will give you advice as to what actions to take in your situation. Some of the most important tools are; live one day at a time, focused on yourself, attend meetings, and remember that we are powerless over others and developing a belief in a Higher Power.

You are not alone and there is hope

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

This sounds incredibly stressful for you. You are in the right place, and I hope you have found a face to face Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to attend in your area. There you will find support, comfort, and hope. This is something that would be good to talk over with a sponsor.

In my experience I do not intervene in another adult's personal matters at all. Their doctors, their other relationships - they are their responsibility. The consequences of their actions are theirs to deal with when they occur naturally. Intervening would be managing or regulating their life, in order to force an outcome, which I have made a commitment to myself not to do. It may not feel like it right now, but it is your choice to provide money or take care of other responsibilities for your daughter. I have learned that (for me) enabling is doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves. I have learned to set boundaries that I will follow through on, and not give threats/ultimatums that are too big for me to really do. If you do/do not do ___, then I will do/not do ___. It gives fair warning and it becomes the other person's decision and their consequence to deal with.

What are you doing to take care of you?

dibsylou · Member

Thanks for your response. It helps put things in perspective. It really does. I'll stop managing it. I am taking care of myself and always have but this time it took me down. I meditate on a daily basis, now taking beet juice for my condition, take wheatgrass daily and IV Vit C. Im into alternative medicine and of course receive massage since I do massage. Its my thoughts that are hurting me. Its the stinkin thinking because my body runs like a cadilliac. I am in the process of the thinking management; and I have to find the courage to say no and stick to my boundaries.

dibsylou · Member

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I would love to attend... I like the idea of daily meeting online. Its more cost and time saving. I hope to keep in touch and again thanks for reaching out to me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha D and welcome to the board, this MIP family and I have followed the suggestions of those who have just posted and they have worked for me I also have extensive experience from other areas in my chase for sanity from being born and raised in the disease of addiction. Only one of the things I learned about responding appropriately to the disease is that sometimes I need to see the picture metaphorically in other words what would I do if the person was hit by and car or shot. No she hasn't been and what do I do as a first responder...I've learned to call for professional help and then take my self out of the mix. "telling on them" for me is practicing help not taking over or personal control after that is appropriate. What is my part in it? is a question we learn to ask ourselves when inventorying the situation...how did I affect the process and the outcome. A person who is "dependent" upon a mind and mood altering chemical is trapped. They are not rational especially for the fact that the drug alters and then they have perception only that the drug will relieve them of pain and trouble. They do not know, are not rational and not normal. Sometimes I am there by the push of my Higher Power to disturb the addiction to death process. There is no guarantees and it isn't a life time career. Trust your Higher Power...ask your Higher Power to "place me where you want me...then...tell me what to do". Keep coming back cause this program works when you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

dibsylou · Member

Thank you for your response. I have had some wonderful messages... I like what you callor descibe as "insanity". Ive deceided by the comments not to intervene. Its complicated but I hope I will not suffer and can detach if the the pills are all gone. It'll get ugly. I'll keep in touch with this community. I appreciate all the comments... I really do. thank you again.

dibsylou · Member

Thank you for writing... I think it's a good idea at the end of the month when there is nothing to take to just send her over to the local rehab... Its a better alternative. Thank you

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

love your nic!

welcome. What i learned is this, when we help them,we are really killing them. We make them comfortable to use, and not feel the consequences of their own behavior. Book: Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew, volume one is sooo good.

It's no different than picking up your child everytime they fall, they need to figure it out for themselves.

My mother was like you. She never said no. I had NO idea she wanted./needed to! When she did it was great! I was happy that she got out more, learned to fly!! my mother! she took classes, just had fun. makes me smile to think of it. NO is not a bad word!.

Its as easy as saying,"honey, I believe my doing for you, makes it harder for you, so am not going to anymore. I have faith you can figure everything out."

Or as simple as saying, no, I know you can figure it out, I have faith in you. if they argue, repeat, if they argue repeat. they willl stop.

I am proud of you for wanting to take care of you. We just cannot allow their disease to kill us! You have every right to live your life and find what makes YOU happy and give it to you. When they are an adult, we have to let go, have to. So they can learn how to use their own power!! It is so wrong to baby them!!!!

I hope you keep coming. I know you are a very nice person. You give your all which is not right! We just cannot keep giving with nothing coming in. If you want to give, I know I do, volunteer at a shelter or animal shelter, or a thrift store supporting them, habitat for humanity. Or do like my Mother did, she made cloths for the Russian kids! so cute. She made quilts for everyone. Its up to you. I would not give my adult child who is using anything .they will just sell it to get drugs.

watch how she finds them without using you. you can also say you don't want anyone under the influence in your home. I avoid the word YOU a lot. I use one. One is doing something I would not choose to do. So it is not my problem.

LOVE YOU. We already do., I mean it., Al Anon members love each other here at MIP. we share such a common pain. We know better than anyone what each other needs. I believe we are to love everyone as we love ourselvse, We may not love the behavior, but we love the person. We need to love the person we are and be thankful for the person we are. hugz, please come back!!!

Debilyn

dibsylou · Member

Hi Debilyn... I was gonna change my name from Debora to Debilyn... still may... anyway... I appreciate the advise... I like what you said about not doing it for them anymore. They want me to hold they're script and dispense the pills daily. I am figuring this plan of dispensing pills is not going to work ..it works sometimes... for one it does and the other it doesn't. Then it waivers. Since my health issue came up (which was a blessing in disguise) I have been saying no (no to the car, no to gas, no to paying the script) and now I have to figure out more of the right chooses and what I can't do for them. I do plan on seperation. I know it sounds crazy to leave my home but it will only be for a short 6-9 months so they have a chance to make it right. I can't have them nickling and diming me for every little thing. They will have very little contact with me because they don't know where I will be or where I work. No matter what I say to them... get a job, get up, do homework, do housework, etc... its all a fight. I will leave them with a roof over their head and a car if they have a job or going to school. I have a plan set up. As far as dispensing the pills, I think your right, to tell them I beleive it's a disservice to them and have faith they will figure it out on their own. I have seen in the past that they just have someone else buy them for them. I agree they'll learn their self discpiline; butunexpected reversals do happen.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

addicts will do whatever it takes to get their drug of choice.

If someone can not even take care of themselves, how would they ever take care of a house or a car? If the car is in your name, whatever they do with that car will be on YOUR record. you could lose your license and your car. If they wreck it and hurt someone else, you could lose yoursouse.

How wise is it to leave a home for addicts. First thing will happen, a bunch of homeless addicts will move in.They won't have to work or anything they will have a house. they won't pay power etc.,

glad you are taking care of you..

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Is this your home you are leaving? Al-Anon counsels not to make major decisions until you've actively worked the program for at least 6 months. Perhaps attending as many face to face meetings a week as you can make, obtaining conference approved literature, a sponsor if you meet somebody in the meetings who has what you'd like to have, learning and applying the steps, slogans and principles to your life will help you see other options that are available to you? I know it might feel like you have to do something - anything - to change what is certainly stressful and unacceptable to you. Attending Al-Anon face to face meetings, on-line meetings and coming back to this board for support would be a good conservative first step to take to make those changes.

As a mother of an active adult child, I have learned that I can't take good care of myself while trying to take care of him, too. Although I've been tempted to make life easier for him by paying for an apartment or a motel at times, I know that I will end up footing the bill for any alcohol or drug fueled choices that he and his acquaintances make. I will end up being responsible for the consequences of my own choices - to make life easier for him when easier is no help to him - and his and his buddies, too. That isn't healthy for me. I've learned to say "no" to those mothering impulses to protect and shelter my child's disease. I've also learned that whatever I might do to support him while he is actively using backfires because the disease uses all forms of support to keep itself moving on its destructive path. Unlike the days when my son was a child with the flu and I did all I could to comfort and protect him from getting sicker, I now have to step back and let him be sick without doing anything to give him a soft place to fall.

Keep coming back. We've been there or we are there. You're not alone.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of March 2014 11:24:54 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of March 2014 11:26:06 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.