The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am at a point now where I think I am ready to move on with my life.
I left my Alcoholic husband in July (8 months ago). I was on the brink of a breakdown from the alcoholism and verbally abusive behavior. He eventually went to rehab. It did not last long, but I had come home in the meantime. I got myself into recovery programs..Alanon, Coda, Church. I have regained some of the person that I believe that I was meant to be.
He has been home twice since last Friday. It is now Sunday evening. Everytime he come home he brings..basically his "driver", so that he won't get a DUI. So we either pay for a cab ($80) to send the guy home, or He sleeps for a few hours and drives him home. LOL actually he just says he will drive him home, but he never comes back. It is just as well ; ).
Today he told me over and over how he loves me and I am all he talks about. But (even if it were true) It really doesn't do ME any good now does it. I told myself that I do not like being this person anymore. That he shows such a huge lack of respect to me, that I should be ashamed of myself for staying in this marriage. No self respecting person would continue to put up with this. Now, I am not really beating myself up, but more like motivating myself.
I have gotten to the point that I don't really like his "core" anymore. I wonder if this has just gone on for too long to be repaired.
I would rather live alone than to have my peaceful life interrupted by his intrusions.
I have gone through different stages. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to speak to him, to put good people in his life, to compel him to stop drinking. I have been resentful, angry, frustrated, sad. Then apathetic. I read a few verses from Ephesians a few weeks back that talked about forgiveness, and letting go the way God has forgiven us. That was a turning point. Not so much that I forgave him and can move forward with our relationship or I would try harder to work with him, but forgiving him removed a huge burden from my heart.
In the last week or so (after praying so hard for God to heal him), I said "Ok, God, He is Yours to do with what you see fit. Please work on me, and make me who YOU want me to be" I think that was when I let him go.
I keep wanting to make up excuses not to leave him at this point. If he comes back at such and such a time. If he comes back at all, if he calls. But its all baloney. It's gone too far. I want better for my life. I suppose if I am not going to have a good husband, I'd rather not have a bad one. lol That is about the gist of it. He is a bad husband. There are no two ways around it. And Frankly I think the "disease" is an excuse for him to do what he wants when he wants. I'm not sure if I care that he has a "disease"....he is not making any effort. He likes to apologize, but I never really feel like he has any remorse. That lack of remorse is probably the biggest tell tale sign that this "marriage" should end. Sometimes I wonder if he wants it to be over too, but prefers to let me leave, so that either he can be the victim, or so that I won't have the "glory" of being the victim.
I hope I can get on with it. Luckily I secured a divorce lawyer when I left the first time. The hard part now is that I got a new dog...an almost 7 month old Doberman girl named Zoe. She is a new experience for me since I have never had a dog. I am not sure who will let me rent from them. one apartment complex specifically said NO. hopefully I will find an animal lover to rent a house from with a big yard. lol I already requested some information on that as well - last week. I figure she will be worth it. I am going to get her in obedience classes and hopefully agility. I am looking forward to a happy future.
It is a process, It is a process, It is a process...a step process..one after the other...letting go and letting God hold the lantern in front so you can see the path and letting the program support and hold you upright. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Im sorry susie, your awareness is so good though, at least your living in the world as it is now, in reality, can seem harsh but your actions based on this new reality will be good for you rather than work against you. You deserve a good life, a peaceful life filled with good things, respect, peace, serenity etc, thats what god wants you to have and only you can get these things for yourself, the trick is believing we are worthy, ignoring that horrible voice that tells us lies. Forgiveness is very important , I had to forgive myself for taking part in the whole mess and being a victim. Your strength is growing susie, your future is looking so much brighter even if you dont feel it, we are here for you too, sending my love.x
And Frankly I think the "disease" is an excuse for him to do what he wants when he wants. I'm not sure if I care that he has a "disease"....he is not making any effort. He likes to apologize, but I never really feel like he has any remorse. That lack of remorse is probably the biggest tell tale sign that this "marriage" should end. Sometimes I wonder if he wants it to be over too, but prefers to let me leave, so that either he can be the victim, or so that I won't have the "glory" of being the victim.
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I could have written this!!! And then I was told by a wise AlAnon that if he had epilepsy and had an episode and broke something in your house he would want to come and repair and make it right and then learn and take better care of his disease. But with alcoholism, I never saw anything like that. He broke my heart. He broke his family. He broke our relationship and his relationships with the kids. And now he is sober with still no remorse. He believes he only hurt himself.
But all of that really doesn't even matter. What matters is how he treats me.... right now. And it is how your spouse treats you.... right now.
