The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my AW suggested I seek out alanon. Having grown up with an abusive drunk father I swore I would never re-live that kind of life. Fast forward 35 years later I fall in love and marry a recovering heroine addict. 6 months in were awesome however recently she relapsed and started todo cocaine occasionally and then a bottle of wine a night to help her sleep. She also has been abusing valium which I knew prior to the marriage. I was under the suspicion she was doing heroine so she took a urine test which only came up positive for cocaine which she admitted before hand.
So now I'm upset going crazy wondering how much and where she's scoring. I ended up going through her phone records and found a number she kept calling every time she said she had to step out to buy me something or whatever. I confronted her about cheating and the number which she then turned back on me since I broker her trust by going through her phone. So now we're at a trust issue in our marriage. We started to see a marriage therapist which has been ok and then I set boundaries however they are probably not healthy for me. This boundary was anytime she had to score she would let me know and I would take her. Well today that boundary was broken...
I'm sick of not being able to trust her. I beat myself up for invading her privacy. I been to 3 alanon meetings, 2 were 95% women which made it hard for me to relate. I went to my 1st stag meeting and felt more at home. I guess I don know how much more I can take. Everyone has their breaking point and I'm almost there.
I'm hoping to hear a male success story that their relationship worked out but all I see is divorce etc.....
Im lost and broken down.
NOTE: anyone can feel free to reply, I was just wanting to hear other men out there that have and are going through the battles of dealing with a AW or girlfriend.
Chris
-- Edited by Hollywood on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 01:25:02 PM
That is funny my first meetings there were more males than females, but I still could relate to them as only a fellow al-anoner can. I look for the similarities in their sharing and ESH not in the differences in gender, the men and women at my meetings have all been negatively effected by alcoholism and have learned from al-anon how to use the tools and resources from the meetings, sponsors and readings. Face to face al-anon meetings helped me so much, so has MIP and reading lots of books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, my 3 daily al-anon readers "Courage to Change" "One Day at a Time" "Hope for Today". Digging into your self care and working an al-anon program has saved my serenity. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am wondering why a male perspective would be any different? We are here because of the experience we share - that our lives have been affected by someone we love's alcohol use - and not because of our differences. The true self/soul/spirit seeks to unite, but the ego/false self seeks to compare or see differences.
I found Al-Anon very helpful in clarifying that I did not cause my qualifier's alcoholism, I could not control it, and I could not cure it. I learned to stay "on my side of the street" and to stop trying to regulate or manage him. I learned to take care of myself. I learned that enabling is doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves. I learned to set boundaries that I was willing to follow through on. All of these things that I have learned here have nothing to do with my gender or the gender of my qualifier. They are simply wise and healthy principles that have helped me greatly on my journey. I hope that you keep coming back and find that Al-Anon is able to help you regardless of your gender or the gender of others.
I'm not male and I know the disease affects us all the same way. I'm also thinking the boundary broke down for you because it isn't truly workable or healthy. I was married to an alcoholic and a drug addict. I know that I spent a lot of time in fear of swat teams breaking into our house, dealers coming to our house, and his partying buddies making our lives miserable - and this was in the 70s when the type of drugs you are talking about weren't the usual drugs of choice. Nagging, pleading, crying, threatening divorce, dumping his drugs didn't help the situation nor being nicey-nice to his "friends." Although I never agreed to help him "score," I did agree to live with that kind of fear and desperate attempt to change things for much longer than I would today. Thanks to Al-Anon, I found new ways of dealing with myself, enforcing boundaries that were healthy and do-able for me, and finding an HP's help that was untouched by this disease. I hope you will attend Al-Anon face to face meetings and come back here, too.
You are not alone.
Thanks again for all the replies. I didn't mean to come off as gender bias... In-fact women share the same experiences as what I'm going through so If I came off like that I apologize. I just wanted to hear other men's point of view too. I had some good conversations in the chat room here and it motivated me to hit up another F2F meeting at noon today. Coming here and reading the posts gives me hope and strength to try to focus on myself. Its just so hard when you love someone and know they have this disease the addict continues to manipulate, lie, and blames you for being a nagger when all you're doing is loving and caring for them.
The problem I recognize and struggling to do is love and care for myself. I hear great success stories and sometimes it makes me more angrier because I want to get there but I'm just clouded by my own stubbornness to change for myself.
Chris: It takes a long time for us to get to where we are. It takes a long time to get to where we want to go. We've been beat up by both the manipulations of the disease and by our own insecurities. Easy does it. Progress not perfection. Being gentle with ourselves one day at a time. Applying any or all of these slogans to myself and my life helps me relax and get off my own back. Maybe they will help you?
I'm glad you went to a meeting today and I'm glad you are willing to let both the men and women of our fellowship of equals be there with you and for you as we all progress through the steps, strengthen our assets and heal our wounds together.
Yeah, another lady...no offence taken, lol...((Hollywood)) you came to the right place for YOU. Stick around and listen and learn, there will be other guys joining from MIP that have lots of ESH to offer you too! Boundaries are tough, don't beat yourself up, you'll get it. I had a rough time wrapping my head around the concept. We are all effected by this disease and on this journey together, come along!
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
I am a male in al-anon, and have been going for almost 4 years.
If you think it was tough being the only male, try being the only 26-year old male. Not only was I the only one, but I was the youngest by about 30 years in most meetings I went.
I went because of my alcoholic father. My mother is schizophrenic and mentally checked-out when I was about 15 so my father raised me by himself, alcoholically, with all the isms. I learned to live life that way, minus the addiction to alcohol and I thank God every day for that aspect. Since al-anon I've come to realize that it's amazing how much I acted like him and drew myself to people like him, without even knowing it. That was the message that was ingrained in me since birth.
When I walked into my first Al-anon meeting, I was 23. I thought that because noone looked like me and it was all older women, they wouldn't be able to relate to my story nor I to theirs so I said screw it. I left after and didn't return for 2 years. Life got worse.
I returned again on the recommendation of a friend of my father's who also happened to be an alcoholic and have been going back ever since.
For me, al-anon gave me a forum to talk about my childhood out loud and not be judged. This was something I couldn't do with my friends. I came every week and not only could I start relating to what they were saying, I'd have people come up to me after and thank me for sharing what I did cause it hit home with them, or letting me know how courageous and brave I was for continuing to come. For many of them they felt it was like pulling teeth getting their kids, let alone sons, to come to al-anon. When I didn't come, they'd ask where I was last week. They hugged me took a genuine interest in my life. They became the mother figures that I never had in my life. They defended me, validated me and gave me a sense of hope that I myself was not a nutbar.
Since I have been able to think more clearly, my attitude has changed, my relationships have changed, toxic friendships have disolved and my relationship with the alcoholic has changed.
I notice that a lot of women have chimed in first, so yes, you may feel outnumbered. I certainly do, at my meetings the women far outnumber the men. If only high school had been more like that for me!
However, as everyone said, we all have approximately the same crosses to bear. We are all the same, in that we are slightly unique! The sameness is driven by partners (and sometimes ourselves) with addictions, the uniqueness is what drives our individual stories. And the uniqueness of our stories is what helps each other as we give our experiences to each other for us to be able to use them.
I got to the same point you are now. I can look back at that and realize how sick I was. On vacation this last October, she bought wine at the grocery, even though she had already been to inpatient therapy once, and had a DUI. I "let" her, because she threatened to throw a fit if I complained. So the next time I went to the grocery, I bought her some wine thinking if she's going to drink, I may as well just drink, after all I can't control it.
What I didn't understand was that I do have control over myself, and I should be able to set boundaries and not worry about the consequences so much. What I feel I should have done was to tell her that's fine, have some wine, but I will not be there to witness it. I will go to the beach with the car and the kids and hang. That is what I would do now, but then I was so sick I didn't realize I had control over my own reactions.
She is now in recovery, so that would seem to be a somewhat moot point. But I don't know how long she will be in recovery, it could last years, or it could last months like the last time. It's going over these situations on this forum and in meetings that I can keep my strength and resolve for the next time it may occur.
My story does not include divorce. But it could someday. In fact, right now she is better in her recovery than I am, (I have a lot of codependence issues from long before the drinking started to work on) and she is getting impatient with me. She may divorce me if this keeps up! But if that happens, it will be the right reason on both our sides, it will be for the reason that we can't make the relationship work, rather than "she's drunk all the time".
Everyone's story is somewhat different. You talk about successful stories: our definition of success is a little different than most. To us, success is keeping our sanity and ourselves intact. If that means we can put up with our partners' addictions, then great. Perhaps they will go into recovery, perhaps not, but we can't control that, and we accept that. For others it means divorce, because it is the only way to stay sane for us. This is all individual, which is one of the reasons you won't see advice other then to get to Al Anon meetings. Where you won't get advice but you will get ears to listen and hear the experiences of others.
Feel free to PM any of us if you want more in-depth discussions. Also, I love the chat, in fact I like the after-meeting chat as much as, if not more than, the meetings. There are some wonderful folks that hang in there.
Aloha Chris and welcome to the board and I almost fell off of my chair in reaction with your post. I wanted to yell out loud "Oh shit he found my diary" LOL The similarities are striking and honestly I was taught it is the similarities which will keep me in the program and in the fellowship and get me serene and sober. Yes I am a double...I use to buy drugs for my alcoholic/addict wife and try to teach her how to drink and then attempt to kill her because she couldn't get the lessons right. It took me two trips like Slogan to really get in and claim my own chair in a home group and then years with allowing the women of Al-Anon to re-raise me. I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction...it was normal for me to live that way while I was thinking of another "normal". I was born and raised in the Hawaiian culture...the "Aloha" culture and I know what unconditional love sounds like, feels like, moves like and is and that is what I found in Al-Anon when I was "up there" and not here. The women of Al-Anon loved me sooooo strongly until I could learn to love myself and they were patient without being wussies. "I love how they love me"...is not a song for me. It is a reality. I'll give you the very first promise I was given when I came into Al-Anon and which also came true for me. You will hear it in the closing statement of each of our open meetings...in part "if you keep an open mind, you will find help". I had to get rid of all of my prejudices of which I had tons of and use a metaphorical chair to keep the door open and then take that door off of its hinges. Grateful says "this takes time" and all we have is "one day at a" time. This is new for you. Let me encourage you to do small bites and small steps at first. QTIP the journey at first (Quit Taking It Personal) which is easy to do because it is different than what you know.
If your spouse is suggesting Al-Anon tell her thank you and suggest NA back. Thats not an arguing point...its just FHJ...Fair Honest and Just. You won't hear that too often cause its a personal tool. If your personal value system is not to participate in the addiction...don't, "to thine own self be true"...Doing the opposite is what "enabling" is...enabling causes and makes the problem worse and stronger and if its kicking your butt now you don't want to enable it to get stronger. This disease has but three outcomes...Sobriety/Serenity, insanity (there already?) and/or death. What I wish for you is Serenity. Keep coming back, check out Breaking Free twelve step response in an earlier post. (((((hugs)))))
Wow, thanks again everyone! my meeting went well. I'm starting to atleast understand the 3 C's. Mostly I'm getting the understanding that I'm not alone in this fight and the support out ther is overwhelming and comforting. Nobody is judging you and that you need all the support you can get which starts to make yourself feel better about yourself.
Im im going to set up more healthy boundaries primarily for myself and let her fight her own battles. easier said than done but I at least get the picture. My biggest struggle has been finding my HP. However I do know that someone has been watching out for me all of these years. I can only hope the same will find her.
thank you also to Jim, Jerry, and Kenny as well as morning, grateful, ginger, and braking free.
Im 39 and thought I have accomplished everything from being a former Marine, semi successful rockband, to a successful business owner. It's super humbling that when you realize you don't have control over anything outside yourself and even then there is not much control.
anyway thanks again to everyone. I'll keep making the effort to attending daily f2f meetings and trying to make new friends as well as coming back to the boards and chat rooms for support.
You've found what we've found! Support. No Judgment. Understanding. New tools. Finding a new HP other than our As. Freedom. A new focus on us and what we need and want to live serene and sane lives. Thanks for your powerful share! Glad you'll keep coming back here. You're part of the family now!
Glad you made it to that next face to face meeting, keep coming back and showing up! Sounds like you are well on your way! Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
