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I'm starting to feel pretty stupid. I've known my husband for 14 years, and yes I knew he drank as a teenager. But, I guess I hoped he'd grow up.
He will have one or two (or 3...) beers or glasses of wine just about nightly. But I dread the weekends. From Friday night until Saturday night he drinks. It's not unusual for him to get so drunk he slurs, can't walk straight, or vomits. He always comes home with whisky, rum, a few strong beers, and whatever else he's craving I guess.
I don't like him when he's drunk. He's not mean or even verbally abusive, but I just can't stand him. In fact, I find him...well...repugnant. He's silly, and my usually quiet husband is non-stop talking. Often he'll be on the phone with a friend while he drinks until at least 2 or 3 in the morning. I had given up staying up with him around midnight or so, so I'm asleep by then. It never fails, he comes in and wakes me up begging to talk about this that and something else. It just can't wait a few hours until morning. Probably because he knows he won't remember. He also begs for sex. If I don't want to talk or tell him that's a big fat negatory on the sex he gets huffy and puffy.
It's like he looks forward to this nonsense.
When I confront him and let him know how this bothers me and hurts me he says things like: "I'm going to be addicted to something, which would you prefer", " Do I hurt you? Do I abuse you? NO, so what's the problem", "I only drink like this at home anymore I don't see why you hate it so much", " I wish you'd drink with me, maybe you'd enjoy it and loosen up". He also says he can't do anything about it because he's military and if he admits to the problem and looks for help he'll be kicked out.
You get the drift.
We've gone round and round and round this merry go round for the last 8 years of our marriage. We're only 28! I've given him ultimatums in the past and he got better for a bit. But then here we go again. I'm to the point of wondering if I do love him anymore. I'm contemplating packing my bags, saying this is it change or I'm out, and being ready to make the 2 day drive back home. I'll admit, being a young mother of 3 who's been a stay at home mother for years now I'm scared to leave, I feel stuck.
Does he have a problem or am I blowing this way out of proportion? Any advice?
-- Edited by ashcrash on Saturday 1st of March 2014 10:23:21 AM
Welcome to MIP, ashcrash: What you are describing is similar to what I have experienced in relationship to the As in my life. What is apparent to me is that you have a problem with his drinking and Al-Anon can help you discover ways to take care of yourself without letting the typical denial of this disease derail you. We suggest face to face meetings, getting Al-Anon conference approved literature, finding a good sponsor and practicing self-care according to Al-Anon program practice and principles. We learn to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. We also learn to trust what we are seeing and not what the disease is saying that is often that we are crazy and are making too much of something.
Keep coming back here, too. We also have on-line meetings here twice a day. Information about it appears on the MIP message board. Glad you came here. You're in the right place.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 1st of March 2014 10:59:24 AM
When I started to speak up and tell my AH that his behavior was unacceptable, he got even more controlling and manipulative. The threats and fear talk (you will lose the house, you will lose custody of the kids, etc etc etc....) that is the alcoholism trying to stay firmly involved with his life. He was in such denial --- he would be staggering around the house and blame his blood pressure medicine for the behavior. He hid his drinking (very well) so I would never see him drink, if I went to the basement to get the laundry, he would literally RUN to his hiding spot to stash the booze. I gave up telling him he was drunk and looking for evidence ( he would go out in the middle of the night to get rid of the bottles)
It was so tiring, he would also wake me up (4 in the morning) when I had to get up at 6 to get the kids ready for school and to get myself to work. I would call home and he would just be waking up at around 1 in the afternoon.
I broke my ankle---hopping around the house and pushing myself in a wheelchair to get the kids up and out to school----him snoring away----unable to help me (yet I dealt w/ it).
There comes a point that you have to decide what you can put up with and where you will draw the line.
When he woke up our 11 year old (after an arguement w/me) and told him "goodbye, you will never see me again"--------and my son cried for an hour that was the point for me.
My AH is now "toying" with the idea of recovery and it is taking awhile for him to make his mind up (about what he wants in life) Right now I still believe he wants the alcohol---even w/ him in rehab at this very minute. I have no trust in him left. He doesn't understand why.....he is clueless.
I talk to him in rehab and he sounds great---yes because he is locked up and can't get the booze. When he is free that is another question. In the meantime, I am dealing with everything (well, that is nothing new to me....) but at least I know that I can deal with whatever happens in life!!!!
My AH never "hurt me or the kids"---either...........ummmmmmmm WHAT?! just because we don't have bruises doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. His behavior is bruising our souls---that's what we need to heal.
I wish the best for you in whatever you decide. I always tell myself that if it were just me (I could put up with the misery) but I won't watch the kids go thru it. Then I think-----hey I am a good person, I should be treated the right way and shouldn't settle for misery.
My AH always uses this phrase "you hate me"...I say to him.....if I hated you this would be a no-brainer.............because there is no way that I would let anyone treat me like this----you would be out in the cold w/ bags in hand. It is because I love him that this is hard.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I am glad you found us at MIP and I can very much relate to your post. Face to face al-anon meetings helped me, so has MIP and reading lots of books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, my 3 daily al-anon readers "Courage to Change" "One Day at a Time" "Hope for Today". Digging into your self care and working an al-anon program can help you. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Dear ashcrash,
I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil. But I'm happy you found MIP. I too came to the point wondering if I don't love my A anymore. I found out in time, that I still love that person dearly, actually with all my heart. But today it is from a distance. Would I have stayed close to him, it would have killed my soul and my most truest inner Self, and maybe one day physically too. So i came to learn what the disease is and does, to him ..and me. and it does rage. and it does this in a very subtle way. We start questioning our sanity. I do love my A, I don't blame him (but I see clearly where alcohol is to blame.and be aware, it's not only the liquid in his bodyit could be that he is dry for months, but some connections in his brain are altered such by previous use that he thinks and reacts in unhealthy ways, he is literally 'out of his mind' sometimes) and I do feel for him, because he is still in the midst of the disease, and he is suffering, for he is still in denial, still thinks he is more clever than , still thinks he has it all under control. I cannot change that. But I can change myself. reading, sharing , listening , learningopening up, reaching out, understanding. This is what you can do for yourself, staring right now. and by the way, you will do this for your children too, because growing up under the alcoholic spell will change your adult behavior forever. It's not about the obvious, that which you can 'see' it's the manipulation, the guilt, the shame, the liesthe distorted realities. If you have girls, they will later on probably go for a man who resembles in many ways to their fatherbecause that is universally and psychologically what daughters do.
keep coming back, we love you very much here.
in support
