The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I wake up in the morning sometimes, before I've had coffee, everything is very clear. Coffee hides my feelings. Without it it, I see so clearly that I have to clean up some things from the last several years. I'm not talking about amends (I do those too.) I'm talking about setting boundaries I never set.
Its not every little thing, it's the 5 or 6 big things, where other people havent been able to resist temptation and have narcissistically baited me. At the time I didn't have the strength to be stronger. I was either exhausted or physically sick so my defenses were down. I felt helpless to do anything.
These are people like a doctor who I never asked anything extra of until I got sick, whose help I really needed, who saw it as an opportunity to withhold care and emotionally manipulated me. (there's a lot of abuse in health care because we're asking for something and they know we need it more than perhaps anything else.) And a hair colorist who ruined my hair, refused to fix it or recompense me, blamed me then laughed behind my back through gossip, a dealership who screwed up my car, lied pathologically about it, tried to get me to not trust myself, was not willing to fix it so I had to try to find a solution, cost me hundreds of dollars, stress and inconvenience, then put me through hours of a "wearing down process" when I went to meet with them until I was exhausted and gave up. Then of course the girl in AA who's been slandering me, that has to be dealt with in a business meeting. It just does. I'm done with that type of alcoholic.
bit these people are all just doing what I LET them do. I knew in Januart that this would be a year if setting boundaries. I guess I'm getting there.
These are the big things. The things that cost us emotional security, give us physical problems as they pile up, trauma, steal our sleep and ability to have truthful, healthy relationships.
Now I'm not going to fight everybody! Or even anybody. I'm simply going to calmly deal with these issues in the manner each of them has to be dealt with.
Ive been afraid of trying because what if I make a mistake? What if it brings me back even WORSE stuff? what if I look like a poor example of recovery? What if I'm threatened or jailed?
Its scary. yet I have read that adult children spend a lot of effort on this. I have enough recovery that if I do this I might get some rest, lessen my trauma and could deal with future situations better. is it ever too late to set a boundary?
WTI
It is never too late to clear up the wreckage of the past. I do believe that working Steps 4 through 12 on these issues could bring you the serenity and courage that you seek in your life and will be accomplished by the Wisdom that you have gained from working this program so diligently.
It is never too late. I learned quickly to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean". It works great! I use it in all aspects of my life. I also learned with the medical field that if I needed something, I don't give up if there is something needed or needs to be done. I DON'T quit talking and giving reasons why it is necessary Until they either do what I feel is needed or they can give a very good reason as to why it can't be done. Do research and be ready. With your dealership, I would has talked to the owner of the dealership or called the president of the company. Mistakes are made every day but the people that make them, need to correct them. I was one of those people that never wanted a confrontation, would do anything necessary to avoid them, but once I realized that I was being taken advantage of, I decided that it was going to end. I changed My attitude and I don't allow people to walk all over me anymore! I did nothing illegal or immoral in correcting these areas, I did exactly what your are talking about...I set boundries!
I did it. I fired the doctor in a non-emotional letter to her boss which pointed out the facts very well
If I need to follow it up with further action, I will.
Her behavior was absolutely insanity and resulted in my ending up in an acute health situation.
We should never tolerate abuse.
Everything else should be seen as perfection.
Thank you for your share WTI...I appreciated your topic of abuse by medical professionals. Kudos for your response!!
PS, I've noticed the same thing with coffee, and I've been gradually cutting back on caffeine as an personal experiment.
Ok all. First of all thank you for your support.
But I believe I handled this wrong now that it's setting in.
this doctor and her staff knew what they did was very wrong but I got my needs met elsewhere. I stayed silent and didn't react but after a number if days they started calling me to illicit a response or gauge any potential consequences.
I feel I should have never said anything and just moved on. That would have been (I believe anyway) the best example of God and recovery.
I "fired" my doctor today because I was afraid she would fire me first and there would be some kind of record affecting my future health care in my files.
Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong. But I feel the pain right now of giving my power away.
I'd i made a mistake, it's ok. I am dealing and feeling and asking God to help me outgrow the fears around it.
You didn't know the details. And it does stink when health care providers aren't appropriate but I guess that's real life sometimes. I can't fight the world.
I use to second guess myself all the time until I learned like Betty mentioned to look for the consequences I wanted before I did the action. Second guessing was a tap root to my procrastination which was always fertilized by fear. The fear had me feeling that I had to do it all alone and then I learned that acronym for fear that I use often in my life. False Evidence Appearing Real....When I learned that I was able to let the "other side into the solution" or work it out with them rather than against them. I stopped fearing them and understood that they were humans just like myself with feelings and concerns like mine also. I learned that the world was not out intentionally to "get me" like I felt when the disease was running rampant thru my life. I'm in a similar situation right now with the mortgagee/bank who made a major planet affecting mistake with their "sub-prime lending" fiasco. I know that the customer Care people didn't do it themselves so I have to be kind and compassionate rather than being a jerk when I had no program. What consequences am I looking for?...Fairness, Honesty and Just treatment. I will give that myself. I don't want to do battles and I don't want to harm myself. Good thread. (((((hugs)))))
I had a problem with one person at this clinic and that's where it all began. I'm sorry but she was tough to deal with and knew when I was sick she had me. Still, even when sick I can't react.
I don't know what her problems or fears are as a human being...it's not for me to figure out. I need to have tolerance anyway. Not easy.
Reacting to her was not trusting God to take care of me and my needs. It was immature.
There's nothing better than not letting someone get your goat!
So way back at the beginning, that was my part.
Laws are good but people and hospitals don't always follow them. If I complain I may NOT be treated fairly. The turnaround is I didn't treat God fairly because I didn't follow directions. Patience, tolerance...sometimes we need a LOT of it under difficult circumstances.
Anyway today I ask God to help me do better and I say, "Thy will be done."
It is the past, I did the work and got a teensy weensy bit more growth.
I have a doctors appt today and am more spiritually fit. Thanks for your support and talk to you all later when I hope to come back and give something !
