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There are some things that beat the sh*t out of me. My grown kid, unaffected by mr. ex's bs (because he came after her) continues to lavish praise onto her in-laws and I get no thanks for all the years I spent devoted entirely to her (how many hours I spent sitting in a car in the rain while her father went fishing?) well, sorry, sometimes it hurts. I do the best I can; I send money and cards to grandkids I never see because THEY chose to live where they do, and get reminders that I am not the grandmother They think I should be - hey, contact requires money, live with it. I AM an adult and I CAN live with it, but it still hurts sometimes, because I remember what she said about her in-laws and I remember what she said about her MALE in-law.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am sure you were a great Mom and I am sorry you are hurting. (((((((((((((Likemyheart)))))))))))) I would adopt you in a heart beat to be my Mom. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Many thanks dear family for the support - I was feeling pretty down last night, my daughter, unthinkingly perhaps/probably, tells me of her in-laws visiting (he flies his own plane, who can compete with that?) and it takes effort I sometimes don't have to not say something - but, to what end? Nothing would change and she'd only be angry at me that I said anything and fire back defensive words that would only make matters worse.
I know that I never appreciated my mother's efforts to raise me as much as I do now! Do I have to wait till she is in her 50's before she looks back and says, you know mom...... ha - probably eh? Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Sometimes I think we worked very hard to protect our children from the affects of alcoholism and growing up they did not see the load we actually may have carried. Afterall her Mom has always been her Mom right? Hasn't yours? I know until the later years I never saw that my Mom was the Saint she was in servitude until I got grown. Every man I dated said.."why aren't you more like your Mom?"
My Mom was very nurturing and growing up I took it for granted. It just seemed her pathology. It also seemed to me she did not "have a life". She was a SAHM, kept an orderly house, managed the finances but she was always "giving" and doing for others. She seemed to have no interests outside of cooking, cleaning and making her family comfortable. I used to think "she never has any fun". She always put everybody else first and I saw that as just her demeanor. Who KNEW it took soooo much effort? My Dad & I both came to expect it rather than appreciate it.
So yes indeed you may have to wait for her to see it..I had never done it nor knew what it took until I had teenagers, one of course got into alcohol and substance abuse and took soooo much energy that the others and their Dad and my relationship with my parents took a back burner. I kicked him out at 19 and lessened my/our load. Then my husband (who was my soulmate for 16 yrs) & whom I had credited for raising me..(how that hurt my Mom) died from cancer at age 47. I was 37 & had to become my Mom (caregiver) and I was not graceful about it..I was exhausted in no time flat and I said to Mom...finally HOW did you do it all those years? She said IT took work and establishing good habits and it's Finally nice to see you actually are taking notice..She told me no one knows what it takes to wait patiently until one has done it, and that after awhile (even though a thank you would be nice) you have developed the habit and that you settle for being needed rather than loved.. I was shocked...
My Mother is my hero. I felt horrible that I had been so neglectful of her feelings. I was unappreciative..until I saw..years later what it took, but the plain truth was that she too had made it too easy for me in many ways. I could and would have helped more, I did not mind, but she was like the Master Guitar Player..she made it look...so easy. Effortless, I had no ideas all the hours she put into planning..while I was playing, studying, dating and carrying on with my youth. I could have easily given her some kind words for all her diligence, the endless hours devoted to my care. (You would have had to have been there to have half a notion of everything she did).
I have since tried to make amends to her and still I forget (She's 85 this year) that a few kind words go soooo far. I am better than I used to be and I HAVE told her how valuable she was/is to me..but it was way tooo late in coming....and even still not nearly often enough. I hope it does not take your daughter as long to come round as it did me...
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
What you have that the in-laws don't have is knowledge of your daughter from infancy up to the present. Piloting, more accessibility can't take the place of your affirmation of her and all the things you remember about her that delighted you or warmed your heart and still warm your heart. I agree that complaining would serve no good end if your daughter is like mine - it would just cause guilt and a need for my daughter to get defensive. But, it might help to share with her what nobody else but you can share? I don't know if what works for me will work for you, but I wanted to share it with you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of February 2014 09:34:38 PM
