The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm up again. It's after 4 am. It's been like this for a year now. I stopped my anti depressants last January, got off birth control and separated from my parents all within a span of 30 days.
Some nights I would lie in bed terrified that someone was trying to kill me. In the spring I had a sleep paralysis episode where I couldn't breath and saw a shadow figure over me. I know this all comes from anxiety. I did an exercise where I visualized what the feeling I was having looked like. I pictured a black shadow figure. Then I allowed myself to fight with it before it came in my house. I stabbed it to death in the grass at the foot of the steps to my porch. Then I took the water hose and sprayed it to clean it off so I could see it better and revealed to myself that it was my father that had been haunting me.
At least now most of the time I'm up in the middle of the night because of regular anxiety and not crazy panic attacks thinking someone is trying to kill me. One night I had a panic attack that felt like I was having a stroke. The whole right side of my body and brain got really hot and tingly and then went numb. I thought to myself, I'm really dying now. But it was just another panic attack. I keep thinking I'll be able to talk myself out of this hell I've created.
Instead of being frightened every night it helped to visualize stabbing this thing that was keeping me in terror. I was surprised that it was my father but it makes sense. He scared the hell out of me when I was a child and the night that we had our big fight I felt like a helpless child again. But, it was different this time because I told him I was going to call the police and he took my mother and left. I haven't talked with them since and it's been a year.
My relationship with my husband is not good. I was suicidal this summer because of it. I went down the drain so to speak and he wasn't there for me. So, I just kept spiraling down until I figured it would be better to just not exist. Because I can't just will myself to not exist anymore I am still here. I feel like I am climbing back up out of it though.
I have plenty to keep me up at night but I am ready to be done with all of this. I want a normal healthy existence. I was looking at pictures of myself from 2008 and they make me so angry. I've gained 40 lbs and I blame my husband for it. I'm so co-dependent with him. I don't trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to major things in my life like whether or not to stay with him. When things are going good with him it's wonderful but those moments are so far and few between now.
I wonder if this past year was so hard because I stopped taking the anti depressants. I stopped because I wasn't feeling anything anymore. I wanted to feel my feelings. Careful what you ask for I guess. I'm considering going back on them but I would feel like a failure if I do. I feel like a failure anyway, so what's one more thing on the pile?
Those thoughts that come to us, especially in early morning, the ones that keep are anxiety going--they are difficult but you are not alone. Many many times when I was unable to sleep I came to this site and posted, or the chat room and there would be someone there with some wisdom for me. Going to meetings, on line and face to face, helped me tremendously and could be a help to you too. Readings and meditation helped as well.
((((Lily))))...how absolutely courageous!!...You are not a whimp, you're my kind of sister. I have gone to the same things. Part of what I learned was the power of the subconscious...that level below the consciousness system that can become so real it has the power to alter my mind, body, spirit and emotions. I survived it; the near death experiences because the dreams became real, so real that "I acted as if". One of the very best lessons I learned in Al-Anon was an acronym for FEAR which was given to me in the fellowship to think about, believe in and practice. The acronym is (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearning (R)eal. The evidence in my head was false and dreamt up from what ever source for whatever reason and my head/brain...subconscious and counscious believed it as if it were real...and it wasn't. When I came to understand that it wasn't real and while it appeared to be, I didn't have to act as if it was and then my life started to change. In working my program especially on the inventory steps (Step4)..."Made a searching and fearless, moral inventory..." I did that step 6 times with one of those times focused on my emotional condition alone. What I found was that my greatest emotional character defect was fear...it was a default emotion and I always felt it even when I didn't think I was. My actions and reactions were fear based all of the time and then coming to understand I learned to change it. My latest lessons on fear was learning the opposite emotion of it; that emotion that cannot exist at the same time in the same place as fear. The opposite of fear ...for me... is love. I cannot feel fear and love at the same time because fore me they are diametrically opposed to each other. Today I go with love. Practice, Practice, Practice. Thank you for allowing me to revisit the journey. This program really works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
