I understand what your going through, I was very nervous leaving my children in the care of their alcoholic dad. Alcoholism is progressive and will get worse unless she stops drinking. Thats unlikely unless she accepts she has a problem and gets help. You are aware there is a problem so your kids must come first, can you get some help with driving them to school or someone to look after them while you are at work? I suggest you seek out your nearest alanon meeting, here you will get help from people who truly understand. Im glad you have reached out while your kids are young.x

I am in a similar situation. This disease is baffling and it will bring everyone down. I can see what it does. I get so frustrated, thinking, I can never trust my AH with the baby, I can't take my eye off of him, he might do something irresponsible, incompetent.. he doesn't drink in front of me, he lies about it and denies that it is a problem, etc. i have been going to the meetings for a few years and i just feel like it's getting old. it's getting old trying to 'work the program' with an active AH in the home. he doesn't make me happy, when he is around i just feel anger and anxiety, and an obsessive need to control and monitor what he is doing so he doesn't set the house on fire, or let the car overheat, or lock himself out, etc. it is such an energy drain. the amount of energy i would need to get out of this situation would take a massive effort of moving, flying to my mother's house in another state, getting rid of all my stuff and my pets. it's like i've gotten into so much committment of time and energy with the AH that it is not that easy to get out but definitely getting old to stay in. expecting someone to change or trying to change someone is not the way to live my life. nor is being a martyr. i don't need to feel shame or guilt about leaving the insanity, or choosing to get away from it. i don't have to be a martyr and put up with the impossible. i'm not legally married but i understand what you are going through. i obviously cannot give you any advice but i can relate to the frustration, especially for the children, and the reality that all of us in Alanon need each other for experience, strength, hope, and support. thank you for letting me share.

Hi Kwas911. welcome to MIP! And welcome to my story. Please indulge me and let me tell it so you can get a glimpse of what might happen to you. As you have already gleaned, the parallels between all our stories are amazing.

It's almost exactly the same as yours, only with some timeline differences. My AW started drinking heavily a couple of years ago. On top of the wine that she already drinking 1/2 to 1 bottle a night, she would binge 3/4 bottle vodka. Came home to many passed out nights. They were pretty miserable. To make it worse, a couple of years ago she had contract mononucleosis, so often enough when she was passed out, I wasn't sure if she was drunk or exhausted. but after awhile I finally figured it out.

She went to rehab #1 fall 2102. It was good, and of course she was supposed to come out fixed. And she did come out in a pretty dang good state, but did not keep up the recovery and relapsed within a few months. At that point she got her first DUI.

She didn't really learn anything from that. In fact, she was drunk the night after she met her probation office for the first time. And she was occasionally starting to get drunk in the day.

Her second DUI occurred 3 months ago. She was in jail for 10 days without bond due to probation violation, and had to stay in incoming (with the lights on day and night) due to making suicidal comments on the phone. I got it arranged for her second rehab.

She got mildly verbally abusive to our son. her biggest fear in life was that she would lose him. She would wake up from passed out to say "where's our son?" repeatedly, but when she got abusive, I started to realize that alcohol was in control of her life. She loves that little (well, now big, he's 13).

Once she got in treatment the second time, she had hit bottom. She realized her choice was either stay in rehab and learn and get a good report, or go back to jail. And she had been sober enough again that she decided that she really *didn't* know better than all those counselors who had been through it all before. She is now sober over 90 days, and doing well.

Bubbliness. Clumsiness. Yep, I know it. I could tell in 2 seconds just from how she picked up the phone (or whether she picked up the phone) if she was drunk.

Should I have left her? I don't know. Things were getting dangerous, they got more dangerous than they should have. I didn't have a good handle on it IMO. I'm glad you are concerned already. I'm glad I didn't leave her, but at the time, perhaps I should have.

I can't tell you how to live, though, our situations are still unique. but I would recommend you keep up with the Al Anon, it will help you clear your head. And in the meantime, you are right, safety first, especially with kids. You may need to explore how you can do that, whether that is packing them up and leaving like you said, going over to a friend's house when wife is drunk, not allowing her to drive, etc. Only you can decide what boundaries are right.

If you want to talk any more, feel free to PM me, you can click on my name and send me PMs. Also, we have online meetings that you can attend, click above to see the schedule, they are once in the morning and once in the evening.

Also, just keep looking around here for others' Experience, Strength and Hope.

Peace
Kenny

 

 

 

Aloha Kwas and welcome also to the board.  You are not alone and while not all members check in and share there are over 11000 of us registered here.  The disease of alcoholism is HUGE!! and it is cunning...powerful...and baffling.  Its not so rare now for the guys like yourself to check in reaching out for help and guidance.  When I got into the Al-Anon Family Groups guys were rare and so I came to understand I was being re-raised by the women of the Family Groups.  Stay here and listen to the suggestions and follow up in them.   Getting to face to face Al-Anon Meetings in your area is usually first because for an hour you can sit in the light, listen to the similarities twix your condition and others and  learn  how to alter your condition.  Most often when we alter the alcoholic will have to also.  I was born and raised in alcoholism by people affected by it.  None of us knew which end was up or as my cousing use to say, "Whether we are washing or hanging out to dry".  Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical that in the disease form affects everyone it comes into contact with.   You are presently "it" and that can be temporary and altered for the better from inside the rooms and with MIP.   How do you get there?...the hotline number can be found in the white pages of your local telephone book.  That is how I found it or honestly was led to it by the help of a power greater than myself...I was looking for the suicide prevention center or help with emotional problems for me and they were not available and I "accidently" found myself on the A section of the book with my finger over Al-Anon.  

I made the decision to get in and then stay in the program before leaving my alcoholic/addict wife.  She was my second addicted spouse and more than several addicted relationships.  I often say I marry the women I drink with and not today.  Now I don't drink either.  

In the meetings there should be tons of literature much of which can be free and you can find out about the disease and the disease and them and the disease and us and lots of other great useful information from that and you need to get there.  Find a place or person to watch the kids for the hour or so and then go.  Sit down and listen with a wide open mind...thats the tool we need at first because you will not be hearing about how to get her sober or willing to stop or alter her drinking or stuff like that.   It isn't about them...its about us.  We can only change one person...ourselves and we have to really work at that one.

Keep coming back here to the board and keep reaching out to MIP...when you reach out to us we get to grow and get well.  You'll understand later on.

Good to have you here ((((hugs)))) 

Hugs and welcome,

You have already received wonderful ESH, really I don't have anything to add. LOL .. except .. there is always the except. I would encourage you to find face to face meetings (which honestly it pissed me off that I needed to attend a meeting when in my case HE had the issue.) .. it really helps and there is a wonderful fellowship of men on this board who can help and support you through your journey. I don't care if you are a man or woman if the primary caretaker is an active drunk .. it's different. Kids safety ALWAYS first.

My first and primary concern is taking care of me (the kids need one parent who can function, even if I have my issues they know I am always there for them), the children (their safety always comes first when they are with their dad). I don't think it's as simple when it comes to having kids and the primary caretaker is an active drunk. I don't know how old your kids are .. mine know (9,14 .. almost 10,15 .. I'm very proud of them both). They know they don't get in the truck if they suspect their dad has been drinking, .. they call me. They know if they feel unsafe .. they call me. It is not an easy role and because I'm separated at the moment .. mine has completely checked out on the kids for the past 7 months .. he did see them last weekend. They also attend therapy and there is discussion about effects of alcoholism in our home when they have questions.

My kids have no choice and no voice in this situation so I'm teaching them to have a voice .. WOW .. they speak with more compassion to their dad than I can muster in the past 5 years honestly. I must be doing ok with the help for alanon, mip and so on .. it is coming along. It's very hard to allow them to be emotionally hurt and clean up after my stbax .. they are learning not to accept unacceptable behavior AND they are learning that NO is a complete sentence even if they say it to a parent (me included in that statement) .. they have also learned that they can't change him, they are not going to get the apology that they deserve (now if their MOTHER can accept that fact!!:) )

I trust my HP and I trust my kids to make good decisions even when their dad can't or won't .. it's like dealing with a rebellious 15 year old and can be very frustrating. He wants me to clean up his messes and not have to be responsible for anything.

It's ok that I no longer clean up after him and the more I do the harder he's going to bounce if and when he hits.

Love those babies to the best of your ability give them that soft spot (NOT guilt gifts .. time and attention) to land and find what gives you passion (not another person, what makes you feel good about you).

Those are the things that help me deal with the situation that I'm in .. I DID make the decision to leave .. it was not an easy one.

Hugs S :)

I have seen many posts on here about how forcing someone into rehab never works. I don't think that is the case. I have a couple of family members who were 'signed in' to rehab. One stayed sober for 10 years, and the other for around 5. Very few addicts/alcoholics get sober and stay sober forever. Remember 'relapse is part of recovery.' Statistically I am sure it's better if they want it, but sometimes, just clearing their heads of the fog of alcohol and drugs can help them see they have a problem. Even if it only lasts for a month after, at least you have kept your kids safe from her during that time and planted the seed for recovery.