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Hello today is like any other day just when I saw how happy and good my husband 1 year sober how the house had peace then 2 months ago the house became sick again , I think I had something to do with it . I have been staying away from my husband he has been not supporting me during my time of needs with other issue beside alchol related. I'm more like a room mate , I no he Lonly and I'm sorry that I been not the best wife I wanted to be for him . He has a job for now but that will soon be going under prior to this job he lost 2 more jobs due to being sick and stealing . I feel bad that I can't be his wife anymore he behavior he had when he was drinking I find it to be worst , his insults an name calling and groping has become priority one to him now . He might go to A meeting once a month I don't think he talks to his Sponser and if he goes to a meeting I don't know. I'm not any better I haven't gone to a Alaon meeting for a while but today I got all my books out and started to read them again. I found this video on a dry drunk and I think this is part 2 of the illness and I'm wondering if I cause it. By staying away from him . He been spending money we don't have . He had a item deliverer tothe house today and I asked him what it was he told me to get out of his room it's none of my business , so I desided to look for myself to see what it was and (( my fault ))) I should of respected his wish and just left his room ,but I didn't I went to look at it and he yelled at me get the f away from it get up to your room your so useless . So I did go up to my room not because he told me to but that's my safe house is my room . I came back down to tell him I was sorry and he was already in bed sleeping I thought then he told me again to mind my own buisness and get out. His actions towards me I think I made him like this by detaching myself from him. I don't know what I should do. Let him be let him continue to be dry or should I Try to spend time with him when I don't want to . From him not working he stopped paying the morgage and other bills we have no heat can't get assistance and I asked him today if he heard from the bank yet about the house if we are gonna lose it for sure he told to not worry about it he will tell me when he wants to .
This is indeed a sad disease. I am so sorry that you are in such pain and uncertainty. Please remember that you did not cause this disease and that many of the actions of the "dry drunk "are merely symptoms of the disease and not caused by anyone or anything but alcoholism.
I know that living like this is very discouraging and that is why I urge you to please start attending on line meetings here if you cannot go to Face to Face at this time
You can recover and begin to feel your serenity, courage and wisdom once again
At my AWs rehab center a couple months ago I had to go to two hours of family education on Saturday afternoon to be able to see my wife for one hour. Wow, I didn't believe I had to do that, yet another pain in the butt that her alcoholism caused me.
But then the counselor, an addict with 12 years eecovery, said the first thing that ever registered in *my* recovery. He said "Nothing can make me drink. *nothing* can make me drink. Oh, I can drink if I choose to, anytime, but nothing can *make* me drink". Right there I realized the three Cs. And I realized that I don't make my AW drink, alcoholism does. She really didn't want to drink after awhile, but the compulsion remained and remains, so she irrationally continued to do something that was ripping her family apart.
She is now 90 days sober. And not a dry drunk, instead an active, purposeful recovering alcoholic. In fact, her recovery is stronger than mine right mow. But I still know that I can't make her drink, and I can't make her not drink. I can contribute to her wanting to drink, and I try my darndest not to contribute, but ultimately the decision is up to her to lift that wine glass back to her lips.
Go back to meetings. You will find yourself again.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 20th of February 2014 10:15:47 PM
Wisdom...your part in it is contributing to your recovery...24/7. When you know you're not the consequences are yours...not the blame, the consequences. This is a sad, sad, mad, mad, bad, bad disease. It is also fatal. (((hugs)))
Hi, Wisdom. Several years ago, my then sober, recovering son was riding in the front seat of my car. We were on our way back to my home where he was living at the time. I stopped at a red light at a downtown intersection. All of a sudden, my calm, smiling son became agitated and then said: "Pull over there," pointing to a corner beyond the light. I knew what he wanted. He wanted a drink. The light was still red. I asked, "Are you sure you want to get out? Is this in your best interest?" "Yes, I'm sure." I pulled over. He got out. His drinking began in earnest again. If I hadn't pulled over, he would have jumped out or grabbed the steering wheel or worse. The compulsion to drink overtook him. He had time to reconsider. He didn't. He also had time to let the compulsion wash over him and he had AA tools and a sponsor - none of which he wanted. He wanted or his disease wanted a drink.
I did what I wanted to do. I asked him the questions that came to me. He answered me. I agreed to let him out. I agreed to let him do what he was going to do. I went home and called my sponsor. I went to a meeting. I went to an open AA meeting the next night. Although my son went back to drinking and away from AA and recovery, I knew I had to stay with the program - not because I caused his drinking that night or any night - but because I would be going right back to sleepless nights, beating myself up, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, anxiety, depression, despair. I'd been there. I'd had enough of that. I wanted to stay in recovery.
There is nothing we can do or not do to make anybody drink or not drink. But, we can make a commitment to ourselves and to the program and stick with it if we don't want what we've always gotten. Keep working the program, Wisdom. You've come a long way.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of February 2014 10:29:13 PM
If we have the power to cause someone to drink, then we also have the power to make them stop. And we learn through al anon, we do not have this power because we are not the HP of anyone's life.
When I could see the craziness in the above statement, I could see I was powerless and it was arrogant of me to believe I was not. I am powerless over my husbands choices to use or not, I am powerlessness over my son's choice to use or not and KNOWING this keeps my focus on me. I get side tracked occasionally when I have taken the focus off of me and then I suffer. I get up, quickly, though, after I put the the 3 c's and the a's in my pocket and all my other tools and do something fun and uplifting for me.
And, yes, it is a sad disease, but sometimes I believe we place so much focus on the sadness it paralyzes us.
-- Edited by PP on Friday 21st of February 2014 11:08:05 AM
-- Edited by PP on Friday 21st of February 2014 11:12:17 AM
