Hi I'm new here and pretty confused - Al-Anon Family Group

Snowflake74 · Member

Hi I'm new here and pretty confused

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Snowflake. There is always hope for anybody - those with the disease and those affected by the disease. I'm glad you will be attending Al-Anon. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can only be arrested by total abstinence and a recovery program, but never cured. Those of us affected by the disease of our loved one can get help for ourselves in Al-Anon whether or not our loved one stops drinking. People don't drink because of you or me or another loved one. They drink because they drink. There are other ways to cope with death and loss that don't involve chemicals. Al-Anon can help you learn more about the disease and how to deal with its affects. Offering to take his daughter to Alateen is a wise and generous thing to offer her. Keep coming back.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Snowflake and welcome to the board. You have just hooked up with family and we have a chair for you. Sit listen with and open mind and keep sharing. You already seem to have learned alot and it sounds like your head is still intact. Mine wasn't when I reached the doors of Al-Anon and I did know one thing for certain...I was insane. I was addicted to a woman who was addicted to drugs and alcohol...her first love wasn't me and then in the meeting rooms I find out that this is a disease that isn't curable...I didn't cause it was a relief, I couldn't control it was a fact and I wouldn't cure it was the reason I felt so hopeless and helpless for our relationship. Drinking isn't the only or best solution to handling emotions; positive or negative. Drinking is a compulsion first followed by the decision along with the allergy. Alcoholism affects everything it comes into contact with and so for me I believe that everyone and thing is allergic to alcohol. just for me. Good that you have a plan for a meeting and dependent upon how old his daughter is might you take her with you? There is Alateen which is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups so maybe there is a group and meeting she could go to so that she can understand also.

Keep reading here and also let us know how your first meeting went for you. Most of us are also members of the program and live it daily and some of us are doubles; members of both Al-Anon and AA. MIP is a major part of my own sanity and serenity so I come read daily. The family here has saved my sanity much more than one time. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Snowflake ( Love your Name although we have had too many Snowflakes in NYC for this winter

)

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. To answer your question - Yes there is hope. Hope for him, hope for you

and for his daughter.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who share our lives with an alcoholic are powerless over the effects of this disease and because of our intense concern with the afflicted person we too need a program of recovery. of our own Al Anon is that program. AA is the program that will help your S.O. when and if he decides to get help.

very Meetings are held often in most Communities in the USA Check the local white pages for the main Inter Group number and call for information as to there location of meetings and attend. There are also alateen meetings for teens and if his daughter is of that age group it would be great for her to attend as well.

In alanon we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, not to react but act in our own best interest, to live one day at a time supported by others who are walking a similar road and who understand as few others can.

It is in alanon that I found the tools and support I needed to restore Hope, Joy, Courage, Serenity and Wisdom to my life.

Keep coming back here as well You are not alone

H

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Snowflake you have gotten some wonderful input from some folks I respect greatly. All I can add is keep coming back!!

Peace
Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadly it sounds like he has never allowed himself to grieve his deceased wife. I don't know if he is an

A or not.

You are right he has to find his own way, YOU are the priority here. There is nothing you can do for him. He has to take care of himself. As far as his daughter, in my experience a routine home is vital for her. I always checked with relatives when my kids brought a needey kid home, they were welcome but if grama and grampa or an aunt or uncle whoever was available that was best.

It's hard as you sound like you love him very much, no one wants to see a loved one so sick. Whether there is hope or not for me is not for me to decide. My thing is I would have faith that HP will take care of my A. Myself I took myself out of the picture, did not go see him nothing. They are not kids, they need to figure it out for themselves.

I don't even drink but when my husband died I was so upset I drank and took the pills offered to me. So many times I could have accidently killed myself. I even drove my car into a ditch.

Some one not so hot was living with me and my kids. I kicked him out, there I was alone. It spurred me into getting it together, go to counseling, moved into a nice house with my kiddos, got a very good career that i could be home when my kids were home, and went back to college. If he had of hung around, who knows what I would have done.

I had to depend on me, for me and my precious babies.

We are here for you, hugs,debilyn

Courage · Veteran Member

Welcome snowflake!

Hope you find the support and friendship here as you go about your day.

Keep coming back.

Courage (Della)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you found us here at MIP! Face to face meetings, MIP and my al-anon sponsor have helped me find my answers for my questions and I am glad you are here! Sending you much love and support on your journey!

Snowflake74 · Member

Thank you all for your support and information. I am struggling tonight as it has been a little over a week since he has started drinking and I really miss him. I actually forgot for a moment tonight, as I was playing with my children and felt the rush of excitement thinking that I was going to see him tonight like I usually do. Then I remembered, he is drunk and gone and I got a pit in my stomach.

His daughter is almost 16 and I know Debilyn recommended that she stay with family. She has done that before and did not like it. They live in another town and that would mean that she would go to a different school and miss track which she loves and is doing so well in right now. Also, when she was younger and he "took time off from life" as he puts it, her Uncle from her Mother's side called the police and added in false alegations regarding her father to gain temporary custody of her. She was miserable there and just wanted to be back with her father, even if it meant he was the way he was at the time. Her mother's family is very controlling and wouldn't even let her wear clothes that she wanted to wear. Her biggest fear is having to go back to them. I love her like a daughter and would rather her life has as little change as possible during this time. It is more stressful for me because it means a lot more driving around to get her to highschool and then to pick her up after track practice. However, I would do anything to help her as I would for my own children. My children are very young and don't know about the issue going on. They are just excited to have her sleep over and eat dinner with us. I still am giving my own children as much of myself as they got before this happened, in fact I am focusing more on them because it helps me forget the problem.

I haven't visited him as much as I did the last time this happened. I have decided to give him no attention or help. I have only talked to him twice since last week in person. When he texts me (when he remembers to charge his phone) I don't respond except for the few times when I knew in the beginning he was drinking and I let him know I was aware of what he was doing.

Tonight his daughter is staying at her home because she wanted to and has a very early morning track practice. There is a carpool and she doesn't want the parents to know anything is going on. She wants to be picked up there as if everything is normal. She is safe there, it's just a sad place that is a mess right now. I made sure she had food to cook for dinner, etc. Due to the fact that she is going home she had two extra bags with her this morning on the way to school. I didn't want her to have to carry them around all day so I let her know I would go to her house and leave them in her room. So, I went over there today and he was awake and on the couch drinking. I walked in and plainly stated that I was just there to drop off her stuff in her room. After I did that I sat down to pet the dog and he asked me how I was doing. I told him I was stressed, that the extra responsibility is hard because I am by myself. He seemed to hear me. He said that he is drinking more water now (a few days ago I was there and he realized that he had no food or water for 5 days). I just looked at him. He talked about how he had a massive panic attack last night. I said that the alcohol is messing with that part of his brain and that he is neglecting many work and life responsibilities right now and that must be what is causing the anxiety. He acknowledged that this could be the reason. Then I stood up and told him I was leaving because I was busy. That was it. I don't hug him or even talk like I like him very much. This is because it is like he is a stranger to me right now. I can barely look at him.

Normally I wear jewelery that he gave me every single day, especially a ring that he gave me almost two years ago. Yesterday I took it all off. I am trying to prepare myself for what I will say to him when he stops drinking. I just am so sad at the thought that I might not be with him as I had thought. I know that I can't break up with him right away but I will be clear that until he gets serious help I will never be able to even think of living with him or marrying him. It is all very heartbreaking and yet I haven't been able to cry about it yet.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.