INTIMACY QUESTION - Al-Anon Family Group

mccr · Member

INTIMACY QUESTION

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi mccr, welcome to MIP!

In or out of bed, you shouldn't have to put up with the verbal abuse of an active alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it may stay on a plateau for a long time, but it won't get better, and it will likely get worse. It sounds like it may be getting worse.

You said he has been in AA. Have you been to Al Anon? You can get the tools to help yourself detach with love from abusive behavior.

Keep coming back here as well. We have online Al Anon meetings and lots of support in these forums.

Peace
Kenny

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been where your at and it was very unpleasant , we have the right to say NO . I found the courage to tell my husb like yourself that if he couldn't come to bed smelling of zest soap and toothpaste to please not touch me , luckily for me my husb is basically a gentleman and accepted my decision , he did try but as a cronic alcoholic at the time he just couldn't pull himself to gether enough to care. today I know he had no respect for himself so couldn't have any for me either . take care of you Louise

Beatrice · Senior Member

Oh yeah that, well my ex husband , who has now passed away from the disease. Use to play sex games with me, He would not come home for many nites and I wasn't
about to have sex with him not knowing where he was and with whom. Plus its not very pleasant having sex with someone smelling of alcohol, believe me I could get high
just off the fumes.
He would blame me, blame his impotency , when he was having many affairs. I pulled the plug on having sex with him, knowing full and well the consequences of my actions.

Just remember not having sex with your husband, does come with consequences sometimes. Also comes with acceptance of your alcoholic.

Do you choose to accept him or not. Not having sex with my husband was part of the decline of our marriage . Alcoholics who drink and still want sex , most don't realize the consequences of what they are doing, its called self will. And they don't get It unless they are really sincere in their recovery.

Its a difficult choice , just know the choices we make all have consequences.
Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I moved into a different part of the house into a different bedroom. My x was not loving towards me and I lost respect for him. I respected myself enough to say "no" to him. I didn't explain it. He knew why I wouldn't let him come near me in that way after awhile. He didn't like it. I didn't care. To me - no man has a right to treat me poorly and expect me to allow him to get close to me. Sexual intimacy for me is self-giving. Why give myself to a person who repeatedly behaved like a brute and a bully? I stopped allowing him to dictate how I would behave in relationship to him. I valued myself enough to stick to my guns no matter what he thought or how he felt when his behavior didn't equal loving in my book. My motivation wasn't punishment. My motivation was self-respect and self-care. Seeing myself as worth more than what he was giving helped me, too. Talking it over with him would have been a waste of my energy. He didn't care how I thought or how I felt. I did though and to me that was all that mattered.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

no one for any reason has the right to expect sex or anything else from another person. Intimacy is a precious thing, given, not taken.

I hope you find yourself coming back here. al anon has so many things to teach us!

when I found myself very uncomfortable as you do, I got ahold of a domestic abuse group and attended. that really helped me.

-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 18th of February 2014 09:59:41 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For this male's side of the picture I also don't see sex without intimacy included...it is intimacy that gives me the flavor of love; not sex. Sex without intimacy is selfishness and I've had more than enough of that. When addiction is present I'm not important and maybe not even there at all. Don't like that. Often times sex is just another nerve ending exercise, like a high and not a mutual practice of love with respect. (((((hugs))))) smile

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

For a lot of men, sorry guys, but there isn't any such thing as intimacy, its just sex, a biological function like scratching an itch; and for these guys, one of the purposes for a wife/sig other, is to get that itch scratched. This type of guy just doesn't get that its unpleasant to be in that position with a guy who smells because of what he's ingested, and can't really perform but thinks he is, and then blames the woman when he realizes he isn't performing, its all her fault for being frigid!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder what my AH would have said if I had simply told him the truth i.e. 'I really don't fancy you when you are drunk?' I think that there probably would have been a barrow load of verbal but I suspect that the arrow would have hit a very sensitive spot.

I've learnt that I need to feel as though I am in a safe place to get intimate these days and that is a tricky thing to feel with someone whose actions have hurt me so much. While I was in denial about our problems it was ok and I could enjoy the contact, thankful for crumbs I guess. But awareness and self respect have changed me. Who would have thought it - I have standards!!

mccr · Member

Thanks for all the responses. Thankfully, he has not brought this up again for nearly a week. I am still waiting on the sober night - hasn't happened yet. :)

NavySealWife · Veteran Member

Welcome, I new to the al anon and I have to say that my AH keeps pushing the sex issue to me and I tell him him, how I feel. That I dont feel to be intimate when he is drinking and have a issue since he relapse three weeks ago, and when I say relapse after two years sober, hit hard and haven not been intimate for three months. My AH has been sober for 5 years straight before I married him and then relapse on and off, then sober again for two years until three weeks ago, he is lost for days at another alcoholic house who his wife enable her husband to continue to drink and she excepts it, when I dont and our sex life is not there anymore... so stay strong, and keep coming back...

mccr · Member

Thanks!

Devo · Newbie

I am new to this forum and found myself drawn to this particular post because of the intimacy issues I am currently wrestling with. My husband is in denial and has been secretive in his drinking. Although I know this is a disease but because of this deception I find myself feeling quite angry and therefore distant in our relationship and avoid intimacy.

Grace7 · Senior Member

To add on to this topic, when I went through Family After Care when my ex AH was in treatment the first time....it was explained to the women our men would develop if they already had not, impotency issues as circulation is obviously necessary for a healthy physical relationship. Alcohol destroys the circulatory system. In this end, A's and their mates who have not had the benefit of learning the physiology issues caused by this addiction....go through life with the same ol confusion surrounding this (on top of just Not being attracted to Them when in bad behaviors). A's are Expert at blaming Everything on everyone but themselves.

I wonder how many would strive to stay sober if they knew they were destroying their organ when functioning properly likes to be itched. When they question their difficulties to themselves, you become the target "obviously". It can show itself as inability to ejaculate and then impotency.

I bring this up so No One beats them selves up from the mean things the A can say in blaming you for their inadequate sex lives. When you hear something long enough, it is possible to wonder if they may be touching on some truths....when nothing could be further. As the disease progresses, the damage does. The reason it is fatal is because of the circulatory system. It collapses and shows itself in various fatal events.

Also, do Not assume a physiological issue that is solely theirs, not yours. Do whatever it is you have to do to preserve your dignity when assaulted by this disease in the intimacy arena. When I did learn of the above, I was So Relieved and Ticked! I had a few years under my belt of dealing with what once was great, and over time all became "my fault". Wrong!:) Possibly someone can add to this, or knows of readings that deal with it as well.

In Peace......

mccr · Member

Yes it is very sad to think about how things used to be. This disease robs everything.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.