The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Deep inside of me , I want to write my AH a letter stating how I feel about his relaps, but another part of me tells me "NO, TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS HE DONT CARE"!
You can write the letter for you and share it with your HP. You don't have to give the letter to your husband. I think you've had a really good idea here!
I believe that alcoholism is a dreadful disease that destroys the entire families' ability to think , know and feel the deep love, kindness and caring that lives within.
Remembering that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease, I would examine my motives as to what I would like to accomplish when writing this letter and I would remind myself that I am powerless over this disease,and cannot control it or cure it.
Mindful that we can have no expectations of the outcome ,and would simply like to honestly state your feelings and state your boundaries without blaming or , critiquing then I would go ahead.
Writing the letter, reading it to a sponsor or alanon friend and then burning it helps as well
I've found it very useful to write a letter. I sealed it up in an envelope and left it in plain sight for a few days. I did not give it to the person it was addressed to but instead I held a little ceremony for myself and burnt all those nasty things that I so wanted to say. It helped me to understand my feelings and to acknowledge them. I still journal most days and have even started a little notebook in which I only write positive things that have happened - it has helped me to realise that not all of my life is bad!
That letter would have meaning when he is sober as a reason to not relapse. During this active phase he would read it and say something like this "See what a total loser I am. I might as well go off and drink." You might get tears or an apology but the end result would likely not be what you want.
hard, Seawife .. i know the feeling of wanting to write .. but i also know for me, part of the reason i wanted to write was because since some of the hurt came from him, it made sense to me (at the time) that he would be the one to need to fix it and take it away .. on the other hand .. when i thought i could fix him, i didn't realise how many of his hurts came from others through the years .. my insanity was to think i could singlehandedly "change or control" his thinking .. i finally realised that talking to him, wasn't going to clear my thinking or 'lead me to serenity or sanity .. him either ..
i don't know what your situation is .. i don't know if you go to alanon .. in alanon (if there is no physical abuse) .. we recommend to newcomers waiting 6 months .. (or after a 5th step) before making any decisions to stay or to go .. etc ... in fact, any lifechanging decision .. i was so emeshed with the other when i came, i couldn't see me .. my own thinking was distorted with everything i was going through .. my favorite alanon line was .. when my husband and i got married, we became one, we became him ..
active drinking is very hard to live with .. (hard to live in the dark .. denial, confusion, resentments, anger, obsession, etc .. <--- those aren't really signs of life ..
whatever you decide, i do hope you attend face 2 face meetings .. they can change "us ..
when someone is actively using, i also learned alcohol isn't the problemfor the alcoholic, it's the solution .. it temporarily fixes their need to feel, etc .. (i thought we both knew there was a problem) so . when i came along saying lets talk feelings i became the problem for messing with his solution .. the situations actually got worse sometimes, not better ..
it's a good idea to write a letter to share with hp .. it's a great idea to attend those meetings where your letter (sharing) (metaphorically speaking) will be received and responded to without advice, criticism, judgment, or interruption, etc ... by others who understand the disease of alcoholism and its effects ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 18th of February 2014 09:13:54 AM
I have written many letters over time but non have gotten through. I sometimes write them but I like others will tell or read to somebody than burn them. I used to do it all the time with my therapist.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Writing can be very therapeutic! Journaling can be like cheap therapy because you can get all your thoughts out of your head without fear of judgment or drama. Instead of starting each entry with 'Dear Diary' you could write 'Dear AH'. I give each entry a one word title. The last entry was called 'crisis'.
You do not have to share the letters with him. For me, journaling is enough to get the words out of the constant loop going on in my mind. I never go back and read what I have written. I also make sure it is in a safe place so I do not have to explain the 'stream of conscious' babble that is written in my cute little owl notebook.
NSW...for me I found out that the desire or need to write the letter was evidence that I was still addicted to the addict/alcoholic. I was connected still and invested while she was not. I was still trying to "fix" it alone and wanted her to tell me "I understand" yet I only got those words in the Family Groups from members who listened and understood from their own experiences what it was like. You can still do what you decided to do. I did at times and then learned how to kill my expectations of how I wanted it to come out for me. That helped along with the understanding and belief that I was a whole person all by myself and didn't "need" her to verify me and who I was. I loved her and I like having her with me and ....I didn't need her. Ask yourself what outcome you would like to have and then make the decision to have that...if it doesn't work...change. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
