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Hi. I understand this is not an advice seeking forum, but I could really use some ESH and any other insight you guys might have. I don't post often, but visit regularly and do respect the thoughtful and loving responses I read here. I go to f2f meetings (started in Jan) where there is no crosstalk, so specific problems are not usually addressed. I have just this week found a sponsor to work with, and she is a wonderful asset. That said, I'd like to know what you think about what I did this morning.
I refused to go to church with my AH. We've only recently returned to our church after 35 years. He was actively drinking when we returned, but we both wanted to reconnect and felt it was something we could do together that was positive. We've gone to every Sunday Mass since December except the time he passed out on our floor an hour prior. He staggers on his cane, leans on the pew in front of him, talks inappropriately, and smells (a shower won't erase it). He drinks a box (100 oz) of wine every 24 hours, is never sober and always disoriented to say the least. He is physically addicted and suffers DTs when detoxing, so he just doesn't stop.
I have sat with him to prop him up, steadied him in line to receive Holy Communion and told him he was great all the way, just to get through it. I can't do it anymore. I have quit taking him to any other public place and quit having people over. But, I didn't want to deprive him of communion. I feel like a heel because I went without him. He's not too happy either. But, seems he's just as or more angry that I went without him than that he missed Mass. So, that's my story. What's your take? Thank you for your honesty.
It sounds like your husband has had no consequences for his drinking. He has no motivation to stop, he's even able to take communion while intoxicated with your help.
I'm glad you are able to get to a point where you have been able to be honest with yourself about something you don't want to/ won't do. This is the start of awareness and acceptance on your part.
Now is the time for action then. Go to an Alanon meeting and get some face to face support. And keep coming back here! Your self awareness will grow and you will be able to make better decisions about your life and your husband.
I am so very sorry to read of this situation and believe that the way you are handling it takes much compassion, empathy, and courage. I do understand how difficult it is for you to continue this activity and would like to suggest that you continue to attend your alanon meetings and then see if the Church can arrange to have a lay minister visit your home to deliver Communion. I know my church does this
Thank you so much, Betty, for your kind words. They made me feel better. I am struggling with whether or not I did right. He's really sick with this disease, not just difficult. And, while going to church hasn't made a difference in his drinking, it has given me hope - that he might ask for help from somebody/ some power higher than me. I have begun leaving the doors shut behind him. I am, one by one, ending the enabling behaviors he has grown to expect from me. He is alone, now that I am stepping back. The thing is, I see he is dying, but he is not terminal. He could save himself. And, I feel so ashamed that I am, in fact, embarrassed by his condition. I know our church brings holy communion to the sick. But my husband won't admit to alcoholism/illness in such an open manner, even though he cannot hide it. I can talk to him and the church about it. Thank you for the suggestion. It is something. And, I can stand my ground and see where it takes us.
My heart goes out to you both ssilver and I am encouraged by your own determination. Reading your post I agree that the church will come out and bring the sacraments to those who are sick and disabled and I'm seeing the picture of you also delivering him to the altar to get communion while it is his sacrament and his will and determination which is necessary. And he knows that he is incapacitating himself. He knows and because he knows he also knows to get help and you are not the one to do that. For me it is okay for you to back away. Leading him to God and the sacraments doesn't get him points and I doubt if the family is going to put your name in for sainthood.
Here is one thing I know and know it from experience. AA will make house visits...I have done them (I'm doubled) at the request of wives in Al-Anon and others and some have worked. Make the call and see what they say or have him make the call and get out of the way.
I am so happy for you going to alnon and your sponsor will help you so much.
It is very difficult being around an active drinker.
Jerry brought a great point to bring an AA fellow to the house.
I am just learning about this disease. The big blue is helpful to read.
Keep going to alnon meetings. It will give you courage and hope.
Hope
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
I know we often tend to feel guilty for not helping our A's (whether we should feel guilty or not), and we might feel even guiltier if they want to rely on us to get to church or something that's spiritually enriching.
So it might be helpful to remember that according to Canon 919 of the Catholic Church, those who celebrate communion should not eat or drink for one hour beforehand. If your A is so incapacitated, I'd wager he's drinking in that hour prior to communion. So for this and many other reasons, you are not preventing him from taking communion as it should be done he is preventing that all by himself. It is his responsibility (of course) to get himself there and in the proper state to be ready for communion. Merely physically getting him to the altar is not the whole job. You can do that part (though you may not choose to), but the more important part is his responsibility and something that only he can do. So there is not any reason to feel as if you're the thing standing between him and communion.
Of course their own actions and consequences being their own responsibility applies more widely. But just to mention the specific facts here!
"Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed." These are the words uttered before communion in the Catholic Church. Your husband feels drawn to God in some way from what I read here and only God can draw him from what I read in Scripture. I don't have any answers for you as to what to do or not do when it comes to taking him to church, but if it is any comfort to you - I do see that God loves him and God is tending to him on a level that maybe can't be seen on the outer? My background is also Roman Catholic and my work is the same as a pastor's work in an ecumenical setting. If your husband was a person in my "flock," I would say that his desire to attend church is a sign to you that God is with him, He is caring for him, and nothing - to include alcoholism - will separate your husband from God's love for him.
Firstly, welcome :) I hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us. You sound very excited about the person you've chosen for a sponsor and that's great. As far as your husband, you've gotten some wonderful responses. I would just like to add that there's always hope for sobriety. I know because I saw my father become sober and stay sober the last fifteen years of his life. He never found AA but he was a very religious man and I believe he grew older and the pain of drinking far exceeding the pleasure he found in it. I also think as an older man he may have wanted to mend his relationship with God before leaving this world. He really was a changed person for the better in those last years to his family. I guess he was ready. Your husband could be getting ready. I hope so. Anyway, I think you are very loving to have brought him with you to mass but he might actually benefit from the one to one visits to your home and it would be easier on you. Stay hopeful and stay with your recovery. Hope and recovery.. I like to think of them as a gifts I get to keep if work this program and stick close to my meetings. Thank you for sharing. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks again, for the continued support. I have wavered back and fourth, considering my thoughts, your views, Al-Anon literature, and consulting with my sponsor. She advised I create a Pro and Con list, which I did. On its review I see that there are many pros to my taking him to church, including your point, Grateful, that this really is between him and his God and not mine to judge. I do not know what benefit he gains from being at Mass, but clearly he is drawn. The cons, of which I can only really produce two, are MY cons, being my own embarrassment and feeling like an enabler. The embarrassment issue is really my own low self-esteem and allowing my identity to be defined by his. I have a lot to work on there, but for now the awareness is a start. The other is more subjective, and my sponsor simply asked me to check my motives. Am I doing what I think is best for him, or am I acting out of anger and therefore punishing him because he will not quit drinking (even for God)? In effect, is he trying to manipulate me, or am I trying to manipulate him? I must admit I am angry. And, more recently due to other crap he's pulled. He is not drinking within an hour of communion, but if he were, that is his to own. His church behavior has not changed since we started a few months ago, I'd just had enough. So, I'm thinking I can pick another battle to win for now. I want him to go to church. If that means I have to get over myself, I'll do my best. I can avoid public humiliation another day. If others in church think badly of me, they are in a good place to be forgiven. No one there has ever looked at me or my husband sideways, so I might ought to think better of them, myself, and even my AH. I'm feeling more grounded now.
I'm so glad you are feeling more grounded now, ssilver. Your candor and your wrestling with the questions that only you and God can answer together touched me. Many prayers for you and for your husband. I'm glad you're here with us, in Al-Anon, and have a sponsor, too. This is a very difficult road to walk alone. Together we can find hope, joy and peace one day at a time.
ssilver, that is a great share, thanks for the ES&H, it has given me something to think about. I hope you can find peace with your husband, and keep taking care of you as well!
