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My STBEX AH (we haven't even started the divorce process yet) got busted this weekend by my niece with another woman in another city. She took a picture and sends it to me. He spends no more than a couple hours with my daughter a week, but takes another woman to another town to wine and dine her and party. My niece is devastated that she had to break the news to me that in a booth very close to hers is her uncle with another woman and as she states to me, it is very obvious that they are more than friends. I call AH and he denies the whole thing, he states he is there for work and that he is eating lunch with his sister. I tell him I have a picture of him with the woman. He tells me it is his sisters friends. The kids call him about the other woman and he denies that he is seeing anyone and they believe him. I know he is lying. I call my niece back and tell her what he said. She tells me that she knows AH sister and she was not there. She tells me that it looks like AH's hand is on woman's leg and they are sitting very close together. I'm devastated by the news. I figured there was someone else as there was no emotions what so ever when he told me he wanted a divorce. I show the picture my niece took to some friends. My friend asks if the woman in the picture is a friend of ours and I realize that it is. Now I'm hurt and livid. I ask AH if it is this friend he is with and denies that it is. He will not tell me who he is with. I tried calling his sister who up until a couple days ago was talking with me. She will not reply to my phone calls or texts. Now I know it is true as his sister would have been with him and the other woman the previous night out on the town. I'm mad that I have lost this friendship with his sister, not by her doing but because she doesn't want to be in the middle of this mess and I'm sure she doesn't want to tell me the news of who he is with. I'm mad at AH for putting his sister in this situation, although I'm sure it was intentional to end the sister's and my friendship. Deep down I knew he had someone else, I just didn't figure it would be this very fit pretty blonde woman. I know the marriage is over and I have come to terms with that. For the life of me I can't understand why he is lying about the relationship with the other woman, it isn't like we are together, he left six months ago. To make matters worse, the last couple days I have been comparing myself to this other woman. She is a very fit, nice body pretty blonde girl, who is outgoing and like to drink a lot. The insecurities keep rising and I'm feeling worse and worse about myself as the day progresses. I've never had a high self esteem, but now it is absolutely crushed. I'm off to a f2f meeting as I am very much in need of one. Thanks for listening.
(((Mongowal))) I relate. Please be gentle with you! I've come to believe that comparison like this is an aggression against ourselves. Daily asset lists and gratitude lists are helpful to break that sinking mindset and put the focus back on me.
Your relationship with your sister-in-law may not be a permanent loss- it sounds like the situation became painful for her too and she's doing her best to handle it the best way that she knows how at the moment.
Living in a long-term marriage to an active A, I ran on a conditioned autopilot to think about him first. It takes time to undo this.
It took me a long time to accept that his relationship or lack thereof with our daughter was between him and our daughter. It felt awkward and wrong at first, but with practice, I kept to my side of the street. My exAH remarried and at first I was devastated, but, in time I saw what everyone else sees- that it is not what I thought- not the coming together of two people in love, but two As that are trying to survive by destructive dysfunction.... nothing that I want.
So, I'm working out (rebooting a new routine), eating nutritionally, starting a new career path, and smiling- something that I haven't done in a long time. Start slowly, do something small, like taking a walk, that makes you feel good every day.
In support.
-- Edited by bud on Friday 14th of February 2014 06:46:17 PM
I hope you got something out of the meeting my friend. I know how crushing it can be. Even though I was not getting along with my SO, when I found out he was having a affair I was devastated. I did everything I could to get him back and stocked him for maybe 3 months before I gave that up. After two years I was finally getting over him and my gosh he came back...wanted me. Stupid me I took him back...oh well live and learn.
I'm sorry..I just pray you take care of you and let go and let God take care of him.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am so sorry you are going through this pain.
We are here for you. Hugs
It is very hard to find out the A is having an affair.
I was told alcoholic using have dual vices. Great huh.
I have caught mine cheating on me. He thought I would never find out. It seems we do find out.
It is painful. Try to read out of your books. Talk to your friends.
So sorry.
Hope
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
