The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, and seeing what those around me had and were capable of, I grew up with some very unrealistic expectations of myself and my limitations. I grew up in a home where I simply didn't have the resources or the influences at my disposal to accomplish some of the 'grandiose' ideals that I set for myself.
I didn't know what was possible. All I knew was that it was possible that I become an alcoholic and a lonely depressing man. I knew I didn't want that, but I was unaware of what the alternative was. So I had to pick and prod from various sources and form my own image of what 'normal' life was like. Those sources included, TV, the internet, heresay from friends I had to piece it all together and figure out what was real and what wasn't.
By all accounts I am doing very well for myself. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, and my relationship with the alcoholic is a very good one. Yet, it never seems like it's enough. I can't turn off this drive that's always telling me that there is more and I am not good enough.
It's only me and my higher power. He's been here the whole time but I need some human re-assurance. I need to know I am good enough and I need people to understand that. I need people to understand the struggle I went through. I feel like sometimes, people see me as a big joke. They don't know how hard I had to climb to get to a place that some were able to walk into and take for granted.
Sometimes I ask, who am I doing all this for? What is the point? The void is not getting filled. Yet, I keep looking to fill it. I keep falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations tied to my yurning for instant gratification.
Is this really all worth it? Am I being unrealistic?
You inherited Isms sounds like. I now feel like you are describing sometimes. Feeling okay with self and you journey is a challenge jim. I validate you. You are plenty good enough.
Hi Jim. You seem to have a good handle on where this void is coming from and it sounds like you have done a good job putting yourself back together in as healthy a way possible given everything. You are good enough, we all are. I feel this way a lot, then I try and make my gratitude list and remember the things I like about me which seems to help a lot. Hugs and some extra feel good about who you are as a person energy to you, because I have a little to spare finally.
I also validate you Jim...You really are plenty good enough!! Are you going to accept that? If your Higher Power has been with you constantly...You're more than just good enough and then it is your responsibility to believe it. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Growing up in an alcoholic home, and seeing what those around me had and were capable of .. just looking at this sentence .. makes me think of my own walk through the disease .. Hp is good.. i was in so much denial coming into these rooms and in face to face .. hp always showed me others first .. he knew i wasn't overly willing to look at me .. but just before i would think of approaching others, he would gently tug me back and say hey wait, i wanna show you something .. lol and then i would see it in me .. Same with the disease .. i saw it in them .. didn't see the level i was actually effected on in myself for many years other than i had been hurt and have to work alot harder than others also .. my own distorted-thinking disease .. confusion, projecting, obsessing, etc .. my point is for me i had to see the disease in others and come to know it before i could begin to see it and know it in myself .. my ''Disease is always going to feel like its never enough .. but i also walked around feeling needy because i was waiting for others to meet my needs .. it was my motives i needed to check .. but it was never enough because i was looking for others to give me what could only come from higher power .. what i love about alanon, is when i'm in a meeting sharing with others, one thing i hear is always enough .. one word from my hp is enough .. it feels like enough .. so have to ask myself where am i turning to get my enoughs .. i was looking to be filled up again by those who didn't have it to give ..
learning about our own disease is also part of recovery .. sounds like this is just a new layer of the onion .. at least it was for me ..
except even with hp .. i didn't feel like i was ''good'' enough .. all i ''felt'' was bad .. had to share my feelings and begin to let them heal .. if i think my higher power loves me for what i am as opposed to who i am .. i feel my self worth lessen every time .. love the person, hate the disease .. i felt i was missing self love (and love for others) for a long time because i was trying to love the disease in me (and them) and i hate the disease period.
-something Jim, that i did was talk about my 'attic thoughts'. Some were right off the wall, and some were things i really wanted and needed to get done.
It is a temptation to think that we have to stump up at meetings with our basement thoughts only. I talk about this idea from time to time... sometimes I picture myself at the attic window, propped up on elbows, with another person, looking out on the big wide world- an actually talking about stuff.
I have shared about this idea a few times... what came to mind was to have kitchen table thoughts, dreams and conversations as well. Alcoholism isolated me, over time... and I want that back...
I can relate Jim at times I feel so on top of the world and other times I want it all and now. I want you to know you are good enough and deserving. It is best when it comes from within though and you feel worthy and can accept yourself as worthy and deserving, you work a good program and it will come. My HP has helped fill me up when I felt that void that only He can complete for me. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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