Making someone else my higher power? - Al-Anon Family Group

lsng · Member

Making someone else my higher power?

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Isng-I don't think this is about being a "man." I think this is about being codependent on another human being instead of being able to be dependent on ourself. I'm in my second marriage and had several relationships inbetween. In every case, the person of my affection had one or more addictions, and I had not learned to stand on my own two feet emotionally. The other person was everything, and I often felt like I was nothing. I let those others determine many of my actions and feelings. I didn't have my own self and identity that I counted as equal to other's. Many years ago I understood this on an intellectual basis, but it is only now in alanon, that I am making REAL progress. If my spouse chooses to drink and drive, I will not be ruined. I will stand tall and know that I make good decisions. I know that I am not self-destructive. And I know now that I can be OK no matter what my spouse is doing. My HP will not be any more human beings! Lyne

maryanne · Member

Thank you for sharing. I can relate all too well. I am glad I have found Al-anon. I want to change my own behavior, and Al-anon is helping me. Thank you for sharing.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your powerful share and good reminder. I hear your deep awareness and yearning to add more effective tools to your coping mechanism kit. I have been guilty of making others my HP and still sometimes do- I'm a work in progress. Pedestals used to seem harmless, but I have come to believe that they are unspoken one-sided negotiations of expectations. That is, if the threat of toppling can be eminent, a great potential to result in resentments for both parties involved.

In support.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Isng,

I too was very co-dependent and adored my partner no matter what, I too felt ashamed when I realised and I am a woman.

I felt ashamed because I was so self reliant in many areas of my life but had this real FEAR of being alone. Today this has changed thanks to al anon. I spent time on my own building my relationship with my HP and self.

the three A's comes to mind awareness, acceptance and action. Once I realised my dependence on my partner and accepted it I could begin to change it. I worked hard at strengthening my relationship with HP and myself.

An old timer told me my triangle was upside down, she told me to visualise a triangle of my relationships HP at the top , then me, then others.

awareness is the first step

hugs tracy xxxx

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi lsng,

Are you cheating, looking at me at the desk next to you while I am doing my stepwork? Yeah, you just described me. It does seem outrageous. I have talked to AW about it before, how I am sometimes afraid of her. She just looks at me and says "what the hell are you afraid of?". And I can't explain it to her. She does have a much stronger personality, and can come across as emotionally bullying. And we are both codependent, due to her A mom, and my just generally dysfunctional, emotionally unavailable family.

It's not a physical fear, it's an emotional fear. The real fear, in my case, is fear of intimacy, which comes from fear of rejection. I'm sure there is more to it than that, but that is what I have found so far. I will keep working on it.

Bud, thanks for your input on this as well. My awareness has started, the acceptance I am working on, time for action very soon!

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

(c: an ah ha! moment. that is so cool you journal! I used to had a ton of them. read thru some of them, was basically horrified how insane I sounded so burned them! lol

Its a great way to get stuff out.

You sound like you are working your program!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Lang))) if every man would be as brave as you to step out of man image and admit they're powerless what a great world this would be. I have so much respect for the men who do. Mine never could because of his fear of the whimpy man image and because of that his own life is falling apart. He is still in bondage, you on the otherhand are in the process of breaking free. Sounds like hp is waking you up, and you are beginning to listen. I still have so many to pull down off the higher importance ladder. Grateful alanon has circles and not ladders, all the way to the world service office. The globe is round and so are we. Glad you made it in to share. When you do, you give us all a gift and grow courage, to other men too who might secretly feel the same .. ((Thanks for sharing))

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lsng sorry .my phone changes words on me !!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lsng sorry .my phone changes words on me !!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lsng sorry .my phone changes words on me !!v

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

And didn't know I was resending sry, can't delete. Wanted to say, I also like what Lynne? Can't see name without leaving page, wrote about codependant man .. most of us are codependant, it's learned. To think we should be able to be anything other than what we've learned could make us a hp too

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sooooo you found my journal!! Keep it I'm done with it...I found out I could change the things I could and did and now no one but Akua is my higher power. No one else qualifies and I'm not looking for substitutes or alternatives. Yes often times the problem is about being male. smile

lsng · Member

Kenny, thanks for your post, we do seem to be coming from the same place, including the origins of our families.

Thanks everyone for the kind words... I am impressed with the fellowship here...Each post has some bid of wisdom, so thank you very much.

I am on the road for work, and tonight, she may have been toasted while we were talking, I dont really know. I can tell by her tone...but of course I can never be sure.

But, while I know its on my mind, I am going to focus on my self. Really interested in writing more about rediscovering my higher power, a real, actual power greater than myself, (no humans, as Lyne said :) )

I pray that she wakes up to this, knowing from my own personal family experience that its probably not happening....

Better to pray that I can let it go somehow.

Thanks again all.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

lsng,

I could always tell by the tone of her voice on the phone. So them I had to get to a point where it didn't matter. That was/is the hard part. Even though she is in recovery, my drunk radar has had two false positives hit me, and both times the stomach tightened, etc. Had to step back and serenity prayer it through.

Kenny

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