Please help!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Living508 · Member

Please help!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What was his input to stop the behavior? Guilting you is not the solution. Might have to change the arrangement on how to handle the money your mom is giving you. He already knows what he has done and how you feel about it...time for action. That's not advise...that is what I did with my alcoholic/addict who use to lie, cheat and steal like it was a career and then it isn't only alcoholics and addicts who do this. (((hugs))) smile

Living508 · Member

What do you mean by "what was his imput to stop the behavior" ??

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Can't speak for Jerry on the input but Guilting you was his solution to avoid the conversation .. agree. never a solution .. i haven't been in your exact situation but two things come to mind that i have been in .. the secrets make me feel the worst .. they keep me in the dark .. guessing, obsessing, confused, etc ..

when my a's mother would come along and unknowingly or knowingly pit us against eachother, and she did many times, aside from the situation itself, on a deeper level in me, i also used to secretly feel she had won something .. his love ? his approval ? his loyalty ? .. was very emotional at times .. the power behind any addiction is hard to fight alone .. smoking, gambling, drinking, drugging, etc .. it effects our thinking and better judgment every time .. sounds like your husbands gets effected too in her presence ..

I like what Jerry shared above about changing the arrangement of the $ your mother is giving you ..

Living508 · Member

I told my husband i am going to pay my mom back. I explained to him that i was unaware we had enough money to be giving away, & i didnt think it was right to accept support from my mom but give $ to his.

I am thinking about writing her a letter....to set some boundaries with her.

I don't know if i should get seperate bank accounts or What. Yuck

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Living,

Sometimes the best action for me to take when I am in a highly emotional state is to take a break and take a breath so I can clearly see what action I want to take. I don't have to make any decisions today, I can give the situation over to my HP and figure out what is the next best step.

It really sounds like this is something that you need to speak with your spouse about and allow him to set the boundaries with his mother (my opinion looking at it from the outside in). He's the one giving her money. He's the one keeping secrets and that is not ok. I had a similar situation with my stbax .. he IS my current qualifier.

You can and have a right to set boundaries with him in terms of separate accounts and so on. I don't know if you are familiar with Dave Ramsey .. that program is a great program for single and married couples about money and how to communicate about it. Finances are a huge stress on families and considering you are starting a family, this is a great way to open communication about money and how to agree to disagree and figure out what works .. I know for me being on the same page is a must financially. I'm speaking from my own stresses in marriage and lack of communication and like I said before .. I went through something similar.

Do you have a current sponsor, friend who you can discuss this with who will not give advice kind of thing?

Hugs keep coming back .. best of luck and congrats!!

S :)

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you have this weighing on you and especially during your pregnancy. Breathe.

I'm observing your sense of responsibility in repaying your Mom and that your husband was perceiving the money more casually, as a gift. He doesn't seem invested in the thought process of repaying your Mom.

Take time to think about what makes sense for you and is in your best interest. Jerry makes a good point about handling the money from your Mom differently. What happens if you didn't put your Mom's money in the marital mix and your husband did not have access to it? How might this change the dynamics with your husband? Can the bills be paid from what the both of you make and any extras that YOU want come from the money that is from your Mom?

If you separate the accounts, what would be the dynamics? Who pays for what? Expectations when the baby arrives? Do you have enough money? Does this work and does it provide you with safety and serenity?

Keep coming back.

In support.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Living what I mean't was what did he say or offer you that he would stop taking the money and giving it to who it wasn't intended. He knows he was stealing because he hid his behavior. There is guilt there and maybe not shame but guilt. Does he have a plan and method to stop. It is not your responsibility to cover for his theft. He is the one who owes back what was taken in secrecy and wrong. Our program, for us, has a set of steps where we recognize our wrongs and then make amends to the person(s) we have harmed...that process is moral and good and he should be invited to act it out also. We teach our kids to behave properly and there isn't a good reason not to follow what we teach. (((hugs))) smile

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Very good replies .. i also love serenitys response .. having been pregnant twice with emotions up and down .. i know from my own experience only .. many of my decisions were made in moments of emotional anger, confusion, obsession, compulsion .. if i don't think before i speak, my action is more likely to become a reaction which might break down communication rather than build on it .. good luck in this ..

Living508 · Member

Thanks everyone. I dont think he has any intention of stopping. This is, of course, not the first time this has happened.

Living508 · Member

This is what i wrote out to go over with my husband:

Just like i cant stop an alcoholic from drinking i also cant stop you from going behind my back & giving your mom our money.

What i can do is :

1) make amends with my mom. I told her we can't accept the money.
2) become active in our finances. I want to create a plan to get rid of our debt & have 9 months of income put away in case of an emergency. I want to work on our retirement. I want us to meet with a financial planner. We need a budget & i think both u and i need a set amount of "spending money" each month. the baby will have set spending money too. If we want to take him to the zoo we pull that from his spending money for example.

I would be ok w/ u giving your mom money from your spending allowance if:
  A) we have NO debt
  B) we have 6-9 months income set aside
  C) you give her money from YOUR spending allowance.
  D) you are putting a certain percentage of our combined income into retirement. We can meet       with a financial planner to figure out what that is.
  E) we have started a college fund for the baby.

This is the responsible thing to do i think. Whatever money we have leftover from spending money we can pool together for family vacations.

**************** i cant make you do any of this. I can just hope & pray you will agree. I will have to begin planning my own finances AND the baby's seperatly if you do not wish to work together on this.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome is insanity.

He has shown he steals from you. He has shown a shared account will not work. Not only that he turned it around trying to make you feel bad for wanting organic food! which good for you to buy that and NO Gmo's ugh

What would make you believe doing the same thing, joint account is going to work???

My way is they are an adult, they blew it so I am now going to protect myself and my interests.

I don't like one account just for this reason. I want my own, and maybe one we share for bills only that we both put equal amounts in.

Your ideas sound good,however he sounds like one who wants control so I can see his face turning red now!

My way when I was setting up something is to do it with the other person or persons. all having feed back. My second husband was a mommys boy, made me nuts. I just took care of me. I told him once how she treated me. He did not or could not believe it until one time he called me from her house, he caught her listening in on our conversation! oops.

hugs!

thank you for sharing!

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