if anyone has experience in this .. i might have asked this once before .. - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

if anyone has experience in this .. i might have asked this once before ..

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

... hi Me-two,

this is a real 'in the moment' issue... this is just my opinion, and hopefully you will get a few. Not advice.

I would be willing to tell her, if she asks...

...like all of us, there is always a lot of things going on...

...if questions about her dad do come up... yep I would be there for her...

aww DavidG.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

David that's beautiful .. you don't think 10 is too young ? i know i know .. i hear me .. i want the answer !! lol .. i love the way you typed that .. i know there is so much help here .. the understanding when others can't (even the professionals)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Me too 2...often times there is Alateen literature in your Al-Anon meetings or you can find it online at Al-Anon.com. What's drunk Mama and the Alateen daily reader like our ODAAT is available. Additionally since Alateen is a full part of the Al-Anon Family Groups...if she wants to attend meetings they cannot keep her out. The youngest Alateen/Al-Anon Family Group member I've recently met is 11 years of age. Your daugther doesn't need to be kept into the dark regarding the disease and how it has and is affecter her. ((((hugs)))) smile

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Thanks Jerry ))) .. so sad here because the alateen meetings have ended .. she is more than welcome to sit in the alanon rooms but was really hoping eventually she would have alateens there to talk to too .. brought her to one meeting and just thought can you imagine being 10 and sharing among the adults ? i'd feel like i was telling all my parants on myself lol .. can maybe bring her back .. they are good at sharing, etc .. been thinking maybe she needs to see adults share too .. and i need to stop judging it .. its not like her dad and i really ever had healthy communication .. the what's drunk mama book i have seen before and can't recall where from .. i will try to find it though .. but just feel like i am keeping secrets from her .. feel it's putting a wedge between us too .. when she asks about him, i honestly don't know what to say somedays .. feel like i am growing the disease by trying to hide it .. as if her dad still has power, etc .. because i haven't brought it into the light and turned over the outcome .. just don't know ..

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

For myself, I would tell her in an age-appropriate way. "Your dad had a bad upbringing and he didn't learn to make good choices, so he got involved with some bad things and got in a lot of trouble. Right now he's in prison serving time for those things. Sadly he isn't able to handle the world very well. We can only pray that he finds help and the right way. Meanwhile, our job to is learn well and make our own lives good" -- or whatever.

Children do tend to take things to heart and believe that if their parents don't see them, that means they don't love them because the child did something bad. I think it's important not to let a child make that interpretation. I have noticed also that secrets gather their own intensity. There's the saying "You're only as sick as your secrets." Secrets allow all kinds of imagined horrors to fill the imagination. Children pick up that they're "not supposed" to ask about daddy, or whatever. So they just wonder by themselves, and explain it in the ways they can, which are sometimes harmful.

If you decide to shed the light on that secret, you don't have to do it all at once -- just a little bit at a time as she takes time to absorb things. Might also be something a sponsor could offer wisdom on.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

For the first couple of years for us, our son was 10-12, and mom was "tired", because she would binge and crash on the couch. And also she had mono for some of that time, so I wasn't always sure if/when she was drunk or if/when she was legitimately tired. After awhile it became apparent.

AW would start to get verbally mean to him. And be somewhat irrational and blackout and not remember things from one moment too the next. I told her it was h duty to tell him the truth, and she did eventually, when he was 12. And told him the entire truth. She was in recovery for the first time, and I was very proud of her because there was no secrets or denial in her right then.

She relapsed 3 months later. I kept telling her again it was her responsibility to tell him, but she went back to denial and secrets. Then she got her first DUI, and told him again, but it wasn't a good one this time. She got her second DUI driving to pick him up from school. She was busted in front of the school trying to pick up son and his friend.

I then took over, and told hime everything. Took him to the family education sessions at the inpatient center. His eyes opened wide the first time we took him, and he lost alittle innocence when the questions started of how to keep needles away from son, why wouldn't my AH listen to me, etc. He is now fully aware. and has been able to express frustration and anger. And AW is again in good recovery, and fully discloses all.

We don't have a convenient AlaTeen, but we do family therapy with the addictions counselor AW met while in inpatient. It's very good. I think he is doing some acting out, lying about schoolwork, but we are addressing it honestly. And I'm not sure he really is much worse than any other 13 year old!

Would I do it differently? yeah, I probably would have told him earlier. But in an age-appropriate way. probably somewhat along the lines that Mattie said above. I don't think it is good to hold it back, but then again, he just couldn't have comprehended it as well at 10-11 vs 13. I am glad he know all now, and is able to feel comfortable expressing it.

Kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Wednesday 12th of February 2014 06:42:39 AM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter had been the one to ask me and I confirmed the truth in very simple terms. She was a very avid reader even at 7 years old and identified with a character in a popular book whose Dad had drinking issues. My daughter's feelings of a lack of love from her Dad is huge and something she still wrestles with, as he is still too steeped in the disease to show her anything other than manipulation and cruelty. She has come to her own conclusions about him.

Had she not asked when she did, it may have been a good idea to bring it up in basic terms- Dad loves you and feels badly that he isn't able to be with you. He is sick and not able to have good judgement right now, etc. This way, it sets the idea that she didn't do anything wrong and it has nothing to do with her; we never really know what's going on in their heads if they don't share it.

Sending prayers.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. What I usally saw working with kids who had addict parents was that they understood addiction and accepted it for the most part from ages 7 or so up to age 11 but at those ages they will often make excuses for their parents so as to keep them "perfect." So in other words its "Daddy is great but he has this bad thing called alcoholism." At about 12 or so, they start really putting it together and it becomes "Daddy has not been around. Daddy is an alcoholic and it is what it is. Maybe he's not so great but he's still my dad." This is just what I observed from kids working through this stuff.... And they do it on their own time at their own level of understanding while knowing the truth.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you .. i'm trying to gather as much information as i can before deciding what to do ..what i have to try remember is we understand the effects of addiction better than few others can .. even professionals .. we have lived with them where sometimes others haven't ..in my heart i know as long as i keep everything in the dark, i'm not there for any of us .. i see too that by not saying something, i give the addiction so much power over all of us .. have to ask myself what do i really want to grow? the truth ? or the secrets .. makes me so mad because i still feel like i am carrying the burden of his choices .. in typing that i can see how i am also allowing my daughter to carry it .. so many times i've felt like ive protected him and not her .. even as i type this now i have to ask myself whose outcome do i want this to be .. mine ? his ? gods ? honestly, ? this is the most selfish disease i have ever seen rear its ugly head .. i am so tired of watching the effects on my daughter be to feel less than (important) .. less valued, loved, self worth, etc .. confusion abandonment .. you name it .. i sit and wonder what the effects of telling her are ? the effects might be healing to self worth, value, clarity, etc .. we are still walking on eggshells .. all our hurts and worse, his .. his disease has progressed so much .. it is unbelievable .. i also know when he comes back, the effect of his blurting it out would be more devastating .. he had no boundaries going in to prison and certainly won't have them coming out . he will be even more walled up without recovery .. the motive in His telling her would be to make Himself feel better .. ease the guilt .. my motive is to ease hers for feeling like She has been the one to do something wrong .. !! it is so much easier to jump into messes than it is to clean them up .. no criticism to him .. he isn't to blame for his disease but like the big AA book states .. how long do we continue to allow our spouses to abuse and harm us when there lies before them the path to choose .. (((thank you for all of these .. i will read and reread every one of them )))

i also do have a call into a licensed therapist who specialises in family addictions .. will listen for her feedback as well .. my heart just keeps moving me to .. tell her .. what i guess i'm really hearing even in typing that .. my mind just keeps moving me to the 'light ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks for walking with me along my path .. really think you are all helping to carry me through this and this morning i feel maybe i'm a little further along !!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

from the time my kids were babies I was always open with them. Nothing was ever a surprise or a lie. they grew up balanced and sure of themselves.

Your dear daughter is old enough that she could get mad at you for not letting her know. she is probably putting all kinds of dumb things in her head like it is her fault he does not come to see her! NOT your fault, we all are learning as we raise kids.

If I were you I would get some books for her. Maybe make a special dinner, just you and her. or have a pizza night. I would tell her she is old enough now to know the whole story about her daddy. Maybe stress how grown up she is. then tell her in your way about dad. It is up to him to show his love for her. we cannot reassure them of that, they won't believe it until he tells them.

Its sad I know, been there.

Its so nice to be here reading and seeing how much you care for her. Believe me, sadly it is rare. I am sure you will handle this in the best way.

she may want to go see him, which is up to you. from my experience it is better to allow them to make some decisions in their life.

hugs!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

After many years sponsoring Alateen I have learned our kids want to know the truth . they don't need to know the nitty gritty stuff , but a simple explanation of the disease and the fact that it is the reason he makes the choices he does would help , and also let her know that his not contacting her is not because he dosent love her . As has already been suggested Whats drunk mama is an excellent book , you can find it on Amazon , it explains the disease reassures the child that it's not her fault , teaches respect for the alcoholic / addict and explains the importance of keeping the focus on themselves .

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.