The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After this past week and weekend, and making a few connections, I've decided to start doing simple things that I'd stopped expecting him to pick up the slack and getting mad when he didn't (because that makes sense!). I have come to accept that I'm pretty much on my own. Besides his injury, his depression and alcoholism makes him pretty much incapable of having any real relationship with me. Obviously I'm not going to start acting single or anything, but I gotta take care of me. So here's the short list:
1. Cook a real dinner for myself most nights. We've always had the issue of him eating late (like around 8 or 9) while I'm actually hungry around 5 or 6. However, most nights he doesn't even eat, so I just made something easy and usually unhealthy. Not any more. I'm going to plan out dinner for the week, and make whatever I want. If he wants to eat it, fine. If not, I can take leftovers for lunch. If I eat like crap, I'm going to feel like crap.
2. Exercise more. I've been going to yoga once a week, but I need more. There are lots of workouts I can do at home, and I'm pretty sure there are lots of free yoga videos I can follow along with. Plus a plethora of 30-day challenges that only take 10-15 minutes each day.
3. Go to an AlAnon meeting. This one scares me the most. Not the actual meeting part, but what I'm going to tell him. I'm afraid of what he'll think and his anger, but I can't let that stop me any more.
4. Spiritual re-connection. I've let this one slide to the point where I don't even know how to talk to my HP any more. That's not good. My yoga classes help focus on breathing and have bits of meditation. I going to try and fit in at least 10 minutes of meditation somewhere in every day.
This is the short list. I have other plans, like getting pedicures more often, and especially when the weather warms up (I'm learning to ride that motorcycle, by gum!), but I didn't want to get a huge list going then be upset when I can't take care of it all. So, two small things, and two not-so-small things, just for now.
Hugs SA .. good for you!! You know .. what you choose to tell him about going to an Alanon meeting is up to you. My response about my open AA meetings is and it's a standing joke with those who know me is .. I am having coffee with some friends at church .. it's ALL true .. I just omit the issue of what topic we discuss and they can reach their own conclusion without any other input from me. I did finally tell my stbax about the AA meetings it was after he left. It was my choice. I'm not saying lie .. that's not ok .. this is about you and when you feel safe then you can share.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
so glad to hear you are going to get to al anon meetings I hope you have same experience as I did I finally felt supported and my loneliness disappeared.
I love this share is so focused on changing the things you can.
When I accepted I was powerless over my partners drinking, choices, behaviours, feelings etc etc
I began to notice how unmanageable my life had become. Today I get up and get focused on myself and my life is great today. when I got focused on myself my partners life continued to go down hill, but thankfully I was going to meetings regularly as part of my structure of my life. I left his life to him to manage today he is in AA and sober and I did not play a part I just kept the focus on myself lots and lots of meetings.
Great post, very inspirational, taking control over our lives and taking care of us. Thank you for reminding me, Ive been neglecting myself a little lately.
Could you tell your AH that you are joining a womens group, not really a lie as it is mostly a group of women. Your anonymity is protected at these meetings so he wouldn't find out from the group members. Just a suggestion, so glad you are going to a meeting, your progress will go full throttle now.x
I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hear any negativity about it. However, I might just be expecting the worst. He's always been supportive about me going to therapy - if I tell him that my therapist recommended it (which she kinda sorta has), he will probably find a way to deal with it. I also want to tell him because he WILL have to deal with it on some level. 'My wife is going to AlAnon meetings because I am an alcoholic.' He may just decide to bury it under more alcohol, but he might also take some inspiration from it. Who knows?
Yes, I agree Spider, its about letting it all out into the open, Im really open about my meetings, with family and close friends anyway, Im careful not to give away his anonymity. There are many women at my meetings whose husbands are AA members, I think its quite common for men to take the example of their wives and seek help.
This is so great to read. Wonderful to be planning things just for you. Healthy healthy healthy! well done...
I too, would not always tell my now ex H when I was going to meetings---it would stop being about me if I did. But that was my experience. Now that we are divorced, I have been more open about my involvement in Alanon and going to meetings...and surprise surprise he doesn't seem to even remember!
Sounds like you are making a good start on taking care of you! Great insight about keeping your list manageable. I was taught to do the same thing and it really helped. I reduced or increased the number of goals to suit changes over time and I found that I stopped feeling so overwhelmed most of the time. Flexibility and not rigid rules were a real need for me since I tended to be overly strict on rules.
As for telling your partner, I am reminded this is an anonymous program for me too. In the beginning, I thought I had to explain myself over everything. I thought I needed permission or approval from others for EVERYTHING but with time came to understand my business is mine and his business is his. I remember my AX complaining to a counselor, "she just goes and does whatever she wants!" My reaction? "I was unaware you thought I needed your permission." Wow what a few years of Alanon can do!
For me, my first question to myself when making a decision about what to do or say is, "what are my motives." Am I trying to change someone else? Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? When I follow that course, I find that my
Update: I told him. He was supportive. 'You gotta take care of you.'
There was a thread on here asking why we stay with our As. This is why. Because when he's sober and we are able to talk like this I can see how it can be, and it makes me incredibly happy.
Oh I so understand you. I see the glimpses of the sweet and wonderful man I married in the morning but not at night.
I used to be scared of him to make him anger. Now I do what I want to do.I have learned not to have a conversation after 5 pm because it becomes an arguement I can't win not matter how insane and irrational the conversation.
I see the disease progressing faster and I am getting out.
I have learned that his agenda is not me . I need to make sure that I think of me.
Oh you are being so good to yourself.. keep doing it..
Hope
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
