The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The drinking and using wasn't so much a deal breaker for me at first than was the infidelities, lying and stealing. Then came the realization that the drinking and using addiction were directly a part of it all and I couldn't stay married to someone who was too sick to stay married to me. I had to amend a mistake I made when I chose to marry the alcoholic/addict. What is and where is the hope in that? It didn't kill me even after it had come close to. It almost killed her. Last time I saw her she was clean and sober, we loved each other and had no reason to be married to each other. I wasn't such a great win that she would get clean and sober for and I was a detriment to the disease coming to an end. I know that what the alcoholic/addict and I did when together wasn't considered "living" even remotely. (((((hugs)))))
Hope, In Alanon you are asked to wait a while, 6 mths to a year, I think, before making any major decisions.
The way I see it, based on my own process of recovery, is that after going to meetings, reading, embracing this new way of thinking a few things happen. For me the first thing that happened was I began to see some hard truths about myself and my relationships with my family including my ex ah. I learned that we were together due to being unhealthy, we were both quite sick in similar ways except he ran away through drinking and I didnt, I ran away through being obsessed with him. We were both dedicated to avoiding our inner selfs.
I became aware of the disease of alcoholism and what it meant in terms of being in a relationship. I began to see life for what it is rather than on what I thought it should be or what I wanted it to be, its like I woke up from a dream into a clearer, sharper world where I could see the truth and no longer fear it. I began accepting this new reality and my behaviour changed, my expectations were no longer unrealistic, I accepted that the alcoholic is not deliberately trying to hurt me and his children, he suffers from a disease that I have no power or control over.
I chose not to stay in my relationship before I got Alanon, Im not sure if I would have stayed had I got some recovery. I do know that I would set some boundaries designed to protect me and my children. Tolerating intolerable behaviour like abuse is asking for a miserable life. I was never able to set boundaries and defend them before. Today, with Alanon I can, although I still struggle with my adult son and his drinking. Thats a different kind of learning and I hope you never need to go through it.
My suggestion to you would be work the program hard for you and your childrens sake, give yourself time to learn a new way to be, and you will get enough awareness and acceptance to decide on the correct course of action to improve your life. Deciding to stay so early on like this could be a way of avoiding something within.x
Al-Anon is a one-day at a time program. You can choose to stay with your A one day at a time while you work your program for yourself. Although there probably aren't any happy ever after stories for marriages wherein the active A doesn't enter a recovery program and work it, there is hope for us to reclaim our own lives and live life on life's terms with serenity.
I can't tell you some great success story, because I'm still living mine, but we are living together right now, and I'd like to share with you my struggles. My A has taken the steps towards sobriety, but sobriety has brought along its own problems.
We are currently living together, but we are still planning on getting separate living spaces. We have agreed to stay living together till he is able to obtain his own transportation and place. He is in a heap of debt and has a long way to go with his sobriety. I have heard several opinions from my friends and ppl on boards that I owe him nothing and should move the separation process along quicker. No one can tell me what is right for me. All I know is that today I am seeking recovery for myself through al-anon and therapy, and doing my best to take care of myself. I love my man, and I want him to get well. We have both reinforced the need to live apart, to give each other time to breath and space from a hectic 2 years of him being an active A. I will do this as I feel necessary. I do not want to kick the man I love out on the street, but I have reiterated to him that I do not want drinking in the house. That is the boundary I feel comfortable with setting while we are still living together, and to me: that is what feels right, and that is what I'm going to do.
I went to a meeting tonight, and realized that the reason his sobriety has been so difficult for me is because my focus has had to shift from me trying to constantly pick up the pieces, to realizing how much I've used his disease as a distraction from my own problems. It has caused me alot of quilt and shame to realize I have not been at all compassionate to his new found sobriety, because I was in such shock of how much it really had taken a toll on me. It has hurt to realize that my bad behaviors have contributed to the madness, even when I intended for them to help.
I'm not sure how hopeful this all is. I just wanted to give you a picture of what I'm going through. It isn't pretty or easy. I get frustrated so easily. I sometimes think about other men. I sometimes think I don't want to be this visage of support through his recovery, when his ability to be there for me emotionally, has been damn near non-existent. Yet, surprisingly, he has been so supportive of alanon, and this has helped A LOT.
It is hard tho, as he is not in a place of recovery. He is very anti-AA, and anti-therapy, so I worry of relapse. Its hard when he gets lost in his own head, as he is having to deal with coping with life sober, and I have to remind myself to be patient, and when I can't be patient, to walk away from the situation. Me coping with my feelings, and he coping with his, is more important than me trying to feel validated through his acknowledgement.
I don't know if we will be together forever, if we will get married like I've day dreamed about when we first get together. I don't know if we will build the house together. I know today, we had a sober day, and it was great. Tomorrow if we don't, I can be okay, even if he is not.
My mum lived with my dad's alcoholism for years and it wasn't until during the period he was sober for 3 years that she left him. She couldn't live with the constant threat of it. He is back on it again but I only just realised on joining this forum yesterday that I have been living with it ever since. Not physically but mentally. I cannot imagine what you are going through having to live with your partner on a day to day basis. I hope you find all the answers you're looking for. Xxx
Is it possible to live with an active alcoholic? Well, that depends. My A is a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde binge drinker. He is a lovely, kind, and cultured gentleman when he is sober, but verbally abusive, nasty, hateful - a loaded cannon when he is drunk. That's when he hates me, is jealous of my grown children, and I have been the cause of every problem he has. Of course his drinking problem began waaaay before I knew him. Still they have to have someone else than themselves to blame, don't they? The list of examples of his unbearable behavior goes on and on. I finally got my wits together and made the choice to break my relationship with him. He was causing me to not only lose my mind, but my health as well. So, to sum up, if your alcoholic is abusive in any way, filled with hate, and outrageously out of control, I say get away from that influence on your life. AlAnon, of course, can help you deal with him if you choose to stay under adverse circumstances, and you indicate you HAVE to stay. On the other hand where there is a will there is a way. Don't forget that.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Monday 10th of February 2014 10:08:35 AM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I went to a meeting tonight, and realized that the reason his sobriety has been so difficult for me is because my focus has had to shift from me trying to constantly pick up the pieces, to realizing how much I've used his disease as a distraction from my own problems. It has caused me alot of quilt and shame to realize I have not been at all compassionate to his new found sobriety, because I was in such shock of how much it really had taken a toll on me. It has hurt to realize that my bad behaviors have contributed to the madness, even when I intended for them to help.
Both parties end up in shock with the toll alcoholism takes on them - for this both need support. Being a reflection of recovery as best we could individually is what helped my husband and I stay on track - and ultimately - being the change we wanted to see was always the only way. We were equal in every way - coming to terms with the exact same things as we recovered. Getting our egos in check and realizing that it was the affects of alcoholism - not the person (each other) that we were suffering from, and we were each suffering equally from it - was where humility and the ability to be open minded and willing took our recovery program to a new dimension. I was able to recover the affects of growing up with an alcoholic, and he from growing up with a para-alcoholics ( untreated adult childs of an alcoholic - his grandfathers were both alcoholics but there was no one drinking in his house, just people with behaviors exactly like an alcoholics).
Alcoholism steals people from themselves - it stole our parents from themselves, and they passed it down and infected us. I happened to be born genetically predisposed to the brain disorder aspect and allergy, he wasn't. Still - our thinking and behaviors were a perfect match after growing up in a house filled with shame and never feeling good enough - alcoholism and dysfunction makes this so.
We were equally as emotionally stunted as one another, and when the active drinking left our house, we were both still so sick, and needed the 12 steps and a spiritual awakening even though my symptom of drinking was gone - our symptoms of codependency were still in full throttle. His symptoms of his upbringing - low self esteem and the need to control were no match for mine - yet matched perfectly. We were silent for 30 days. It just all hurt so bad. We were the same, yet so different in our symptoms - he was a workaholic, I an alcoholic - both isms just trying to fill a void in our hearts and empty love tanks from growing up, and we didn't know HOW to love or live.
The living conditions we grew up in set us up for this - the dysfunction. When we get here and heal, it is equally disturbing to all alcoholism has touched, how much it robs the person of themselves. Usually, there is nothing to be restored to - because we never did know true peace or happiness. This recovery program is about building a new life... we don't want to go back to the dysfunctional people we once were prior to marrying alcoholics, or para alcoholics or others dysfunctions, because that person was shame filled person set forth into this perfect match up with equal dysfunction. There is no person robbing or changing others - alcoholism changes all involved equally. It does not discriminate. It infects people with misery in so many ways - but there is hope here.
My family is happy and free from the affects of alcoholism today - no matter if we are around it or not. We can get through anything with support. We know how to take very good care of ourselves individually - so we can be good for each other and anyone as a result. We know we will be okay with or with out each other and so being together is such a precious gift. It has always been about learning HOW to be the change we want to see, one day - one moment at a time. I believe that if our family can be healed, anyone's can with the 12 step programs. All it takes is the willingness to be honest with yourself - and the perseverance to never give up on you.
Living with active dysfunction could not work for me today if it was unsafe, and learning here was is safe for me has been golden. This program offers me the tools to live in a dysfunctional world. The more healed and normal I get - the more I need to keep coming back! Living in our society should REQUIRE alanon IMO!
-- Edited by Tasha on Monday 10th of February 2014 03:51:40 PM
