The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I was ready. I had my talking points. I was full of self-righteous indignation. I was strong, and I wasn't going to go unheard any more.
But when I got home, he was waiting for me, and I just looked at him and thought, 'What was the point? He asked me if I wanted to talk. I said no, not really. I didn't see a point.
I helped him with his exercises (he's been in PT because of a knee injury). While we were doing that I asked him, 'Do you think you're an alcoholic?'
'Hon, I know I am.'
'I'm really afraid it's going to kill you one day.'
'I'm working on it.'
And that was that. We had a normal couple of days, where I could swear he was sober the whole time. This morning I went shopping by myself for a few hours, and I've been sewing and watching TV most of the day. Part of my thinks he's been drinking today, but I can find no proof of it. I know I shouldn't be looking, but I guess I just haven't reached that level of detachment. I just want to know, but eventually I know I have to stop looking for bottles. Maybe he's just experiencing dry drunk behavior. Whatever. It's not my problem. I'm trying very, very hard to remember it's not my problem.
He knows, and it's all in his hands, and that's all I can do about it (beyond taking care of myself). I'm not ready to leave yet, so there are things I must continue to deal with. There are boundaries I'm not ready to set yet. I think I really have to deal with me before I can deal with him. I don't feel great, but in a really, really weird way I feel better.
I too am staying for today. I just have to get myself better and stronger for now. I am not having to hear the angry rants that was once an almost daily thing. Calmer now, I can work on me. He will do what he will do. I am feeling better about myself than I ever have and everyday I am feeling healthier. I don't know where I am headed, what will become of our marriage, just taking it one day at a time for sure.
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
I was just looking to see if you had any news Spidey! Just keep it up, I hear honesty and truth in your share. Expectations management is a good place to be right now!
Keep it up, progress not perfection, and you are definitely making progress!
Read your post over again Spidey as if you were listening to another member share it...that is what "our addiction" looks like, feels like, acts like and sounds like. Good that you had the start awareness "Whats the point"? That was the question I had to ask myself so I could learn how to change. Until I learned how to stop, I would always be under the influence...gulp! Keep growing. ((((hugs))))
Spidey
I totally understand. My sponsor told me if you think he is he is? At least this helps me to not look for bottles except here I was this weekend thinking is he or isn't he. He has that dry drunk behavior too. Gosh I am obsessing about him. It drives me nuts. Why do I need to find the bottles so can say see you are back to drinking. I think I do this so I know his conversations will not make sense and then I will avoid talking with him and getting into a fight.
Even when he stops he has this dry drunk behavior.
Then I see what I am doing this dance again.. my crazy behavior.. I have to tell myself stop and " do the next right thing" . I do not want to be this person always wondering if he is drinking or not. If he is not drinking I have a chance at having a relationship but I am starting to wonder if ghd oy relationship I will have is with my self.
I have to go back to alnon thinking. It what keeps ME sane...
I am learning to try to detach but my detachment is avoiding and not talking to him. I haven't found that nice boundary.
I was scared to talk to my Ah about you are an alcoholic.
It is so hard. Do you have a sponsor. Mine is amazing. She walks me through everything. She helps me to remain sane. Hang in there.
Hope
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Well done SA. It took me a long time to process the "what's the point" in a positive way- a good form of detachment is what I read in your post. You saw the brick wall and did not take the brick wall personally, however, you also did not let it deter you from your path. You spoke your truth with kindness and from a place of love. You spoke it briefly. You let go of outcomes. I'm feeling inspired- thank you!
Working with a sponsor and talking things out with other Alanon members is the most efficient way to work the program. It does not depend on what the A is or isn't doing. The program taught me not to look at what he was or wasn't doing. Now I have enough distance where if I notice what he is doing, I observe from a distance and get back to working on me. (sort of like waiving to a neighbor over the fence and then getting back to the business of tending my garden)
I have found that readiness comes with program work. Readiness is something to me like the process you used for the talk; it comes from a serenity of mind, body, and soul. Keep practicing focusing on yourself and the program, keep doing the next right thing, one day at a time - the answers do come.
Thank you for sharing, your post shows acceptance and detachment, great tools for us to keep our serenity. 'Whats the point' sums it up for me too. I like how you asked the question and then let it go all the while helping him. Really nice example for me.x
This is my take you have done very well, once I am able to stop wasting my energy on what I can't control life gets a whole lot easier .. please be gentle on you and as you have stated this is out of your hands. Now how are you going to take care of you today? :) Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
