The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The best answer I can think of is it takes 2 to be in the marriage and if you are just getting to al anon, then it is wise to give it some time. I was told 6 months to a year, before making any drastic life changes. Unless of course there is abuse or danger to yourself. Otherwise, the best thing for you is to keep coming back and learn from the people on this website, as well as go to face to face meetings. The support you get will be lifechanging for you and help you in making a clear decision, rather than one out of reaction to the alcoholic. Hope that helps. Glad you are here! Keep coming back.
I wanted to ask this question too. Here are mine reasons that I go over iny mind all the time.
I haven't worked in seven years and I have 3 young children. I have been trying to get a job since sept.
I feel like I get age discrimination. I had my children in my mid 40's. So I am much older mom returning to a job.
If I had a job then I could get an apt and leave.
Plus I wouldn't have any family around they are in their 80's in another state.
I figure I can at least count on him in an emergency.
I stay because of fear of not bring able to take care of 3 kids. I would have to depend on a babysitter.
What scares me most is not having my health. I ruptured my disc 2 years ago. I thought i would been healed by now but healing has been a very slow process. Everyday I am better and healing.
For the last 2 weeks I have been without pain. I am starting to feel confident.
I do know that I need to protect me and the kids. I have started hiding money. I am working on a plan and when the time is right I will leave.
This last summer all my AH did was drink from noon until he passed out and this went on all summer. I was done by August and he starting trying to quit on his own. He stopped and got a job. I started working on my recovery in March and I am learning to try not to focus on if he is drinking or not. But I still want a backup plan . I will always have my money hidden away. Once I get stable in a job, I will be in a different position and rethink what is best for me and my family.
I am continually manipulated by him but I am getting stronger to ignore him and his 14 yr old behavior. I am learning not to fight after 5 and enjoy him in the mornings.
Alnon has saved me. I am not isolated any more and I have friends.. I try my best to be positive which is a battle to not allow negative thoughts.
My life is not prefect but so much better with alnon.
I would have never looked at myself and worked on myself. Which is an eye opening journey.
The best thing out of being with my AH is I have a relationship with God which I never had before. I feel safe with my HP and so far he has protected me.
I gotta have Hope
__________________
I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Living with the disease of alcoholism we all develop many negative coping skills that we believe helps us to survive. One of them is to take the focus off ourselves and look to others for approval and answers.
The answer to your question is as varied as each of us are unique. In alanon we learn to: Keep the focus on ourselves, look within ourselves and discover why WE do What we do and say what we say. We can then take appropriate actions for our own lives and receive the support we need to rebuild our self esteem and confidence.
As suggested, it is important to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is here you will receive the support and understanding you need to not only survive but thrive.
For another perspective - I didnt stay. I left, after almost 20 years. I had no permanent job but I was working, I up and left everything, took my 2 boys and rented an apartment and that was that. Impulsive, scary, not planned. I just knew that whatever was to come would have been better than living with him. I had no Alanon though, no recovery so the insanity was alive and kicking. I regretted not doing it when my kids were younger though. They were 10, 15 and 17 then. My eldest chose to stay with her Dad.
They are damaged from our relationship, the alcoholism. Im not saying it is the right thing to do for everyone though. There are women at my meeting who stay and work their program hard and they are happy and content so leaving is not always the answer. It may not have been the answer for me if I had got Alanon sooner but for me leaving has been the right thing. I have minimal contact with him today, I spoke to him back in November and I dont really like him to be honest.
Anyway, welcome to the forum and you will get the support and help you need from Alanon.x
I was in the marriage for 26 years. There are no judgements regarding women who stay in a marriage or partnership with an alcoholic. Its okay to love an alcoholic and to stay in it.
That's why Alanon exists . Different choices for everyone.
Not all problems in the marriage stem from the drinking. It seems that everything that is wrong is now blamed on the alcoholism or Alcoholic. If only they would stop drinking my life would be perfect. Doesn't work that way. You probably will have a hard time believing this , but being with an alcoholic has its advantages. You get to discover Alanon and the tools of life. Not everyone is that fortunate. Yes, even in an alcoholic marriage there is a dynamic that we play a part in.
So welcome to Alanon and MIP, its a great journey, one where we get to learn about Ourselves!! Enjoy and embrace it. Its for YOU!
Welcome to MIP and the forum. Hope you find the fellowship and support you seek in Al-Anon. We offer our experience, strength & hope here. Unless you find the candid comment, advice about relationships and what type of action to take is not going to be given. We will share with you about the things we did in similar circumstances so you might have the benefit of how others have solved problems that are like yours.
Like someone posted above, it is suggested that you wait to make major changes in your life for at least 6 months to a year after starting Al-Anon because your way of thinking may changing rapidly during that time.
Thanks for joining in on the forum, we're glad you're here. Welcome again and keep coming back.
Please give the program at least 6 months before making major decisions, unless there is physical abuse.
I had stayed and stayed for one reason then another. I stayed because I had hope that this would go away somehow, or that he would want and seek help and things would improve. I stayed because I was afraid to leave. I stayed because I thought the problem was me. (if that makes any sense) I stayed because of our daughter. I stayed because of the finances.
In my case, the reasons for staying became void, but I know others who've stayed and with the help of Alanon have serenity with their decision.
Whatever your reasons for staying or leaving, there is no one right answer. Working this program will help you decide what is best for you.
I think I stay because I still hope. Or because I'm not ready to leave, yet. We don't have kids, and I'd be ok on my own financially....so...yeah, it has to be that I still hope we can recover together.
